Thursday, July 30, 2015

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Make Delicious French Toast

Originally a way to use up stale bread, hot, steaming French toast is a perfect addition to a brunch, as well as making a delicious cold weather breakfast treat. Follow these steps, and you'll soon be enjoying its delicious goodness.

1) Beat egg, vanilla and cinnamon in shallow dish. Stir in milk.

2) Dip bread in egg mixture, turning to coat both sides evenly.

3) Cook bread slices on lightly greased nonstick griddle or skillet on medium heat until browned on both sides.

And speaking of "browned on both sides," if you're riding in the back of one of the limos I drive and stand out of the sunroof for hours and hours, just remember that the waiver you signed clears me of any liability for nasty sunburns.

Stay safe kids!

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Fashion Week Comes Early

Spotted on July 4, this ensemble from the Ralph Lauren 2015 Summer Collection pays tribute to patriotism and terrible life choices.

Betsey Johnson and Emilio Pucci team up for this horrific Rainbow-Brite-going-to-Zumba-class look.

Spotted at the Sesame Place parade(!) in Langforde PA, this new line of revealing swimwear by Nancy Meyer makes your eyes scream for mercy and your erection apologize.

Givenchy launches this new style for metropolitans, which makes you look like your small dog got into your wardrobe and chewed your favorite sweater up so that it looks like you're wearing Skeletor's breast plate on your back.

Whether you're a college dandy from the 1910s or Ke$ha's boring midwestern sister, these new his & hers outfits by Balenciaga are sure to turn (dog) heads.

If you ever lose your bongo drum at a Subway, rest assured that this World Music three piece ensemble by Saint Laurent will announce to everyone that you're looking for it.

This peppy fluorescent number by Galls lets people know who's in charge, who's in control, and who is really running these streets.

When she's not pretending to speak British or eating healthy on welfare money, Gwyneth Paltrow likes to frequent loading docks in this casual ass-crack look by Gucci.

"Let your smile be your umbrella." This young chica took this advice to heart and braved the pouring rain last Friday, strutting her assets in this already-see through summer dress by Frederick's of Hollywood. You go girl!

Friday, July 24, 2015

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Icewear Vezzo sat quietly in his tent and prayed that the bear would take what he wanted and just go away.

Later that afternoon, Lil Flash murdered Yosemite Sam, butchered Foghorn Legcorn and put Sylvester and Tweety to death in a kennel.


Young Delphi's Groucho Marx impression was spot on, even though no one from his generation got the reference.


None of the Peanuts are getting murdered. I'll allow it.

Janet Jackson discovered that wads of cash could hide her mustache.

Monday, July 20, 2015

A Short List of Things I Would Rather Hear Than Taylor Swift's "Bad Blood"

If you've been to a strip mall, Jamba Juice, or any other retail store, supermarket, or public space, it's safe to assume you've heard Taylor Swift's song "Bad Blood (ft. Kendrick Lamar)."

Now, Taylor Swift has had a remarkable batting average of below-average chart-topping hits, but this recent entry into her catalog happens to be the most irritating, nasal, repetitive piece of tautology this side of a Tourette's convention.

Click here if you hate yourself.

Having been in public places this summer, I've heard this song far too many times for my tastes. Here is a short (but not complete) list of things I would RATHER listen to than that song ever again:

• orphans weeping at a funeral
• squirrel rape
• Axl Rose doing squat thrusts
• Wolverine scratching a mile-long chalkboard
• the Budweiser Clydesdales all evacuating their bowels simultaneously
• Arnold Schwarzenegger doing a dramatic reading of "The Notebook"
• an airhorn blowing directly in my ear for an hour
• A 4-season marathon of every episode of "The View"
• the bloodcurdling screams from botched pig slaughters
• Donald Trump's Presidential acceptance speech
• anything by Y&T
• that audible "snap" heard when Joe Theismann got injured
• Lloyd's "the most annoying sound in the world" from "Dumb and Dumber," in a 24 hour loop
• donkeys braying in a round (like in Row Row Row Your Boat)
• Japanese people trying to pronounce "Lalaloopsy" or "Lululemon"
• someone farting into an empty nuclear reactor to create giant echoes
• "Shake It Off" by Taylor Swift

Wednesday, July 15, 2015