UAG

Ads For Eyeglasses Are Weird.

There's something gross and unsettling about eyeglasses ads. Maybe it's in the casting, like they chose people too beautiful to wear glasses or something.

Why doesn't this guy just get LASIK? He shouldn't be hiding his beautiful cheekbones like that.

This is more natural. But she still seems oddly alien and smug.

Oh, look. I found my lost Kraftwerk LP.

Good Lord. Creepy vacant smiles, sitting too close together, smiling in two different directions at nothing. I'd prefer mannequin heads or just the frames. GET ME OUT OF THIS STEPFORD WICKERMAN MIDSOMMAR NIGHTMARE

Ummm...

 Found on Amazon on a listing for a heated jacket:

It makes slightly more sense if you maybe read it out loud with a thick Jamaican accent.

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Hulu This Month

Periodically, Hulu renews or cancels shows or movies based on viewer preferences. Here now are all the shows that will be added to Hulu's schedule this month:

• We Retell the Classics With Emojis Because The Kids Seem To Like It

• Baron Tumid & Lady Clenched

• Game Show: Guess Our WiFi Password!

• An 8 Hour Fully-Restored and Remastered Documentary on Candlebox

• Dingaling Hygiene

• Jake Crackity's News Quarter Hour

Here are the shows and movies that Hulu is removing this month:

• Nothing But Podcast Program Notes

• Napkin Folding Documentary by a Clearly Schizophrenic Woman

• The 2021 Gender-Swapped Porky's

• Some Pawn Shop Scumbags Ripping Off Old People

• Drag Queen Ninja Course Challenge

• 4 Hours of Footage of Divorced Men Trying To Assemble IKEA Furniture

• Cock! The Making of the Smash Hit Musical

UAG

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"WTF? Are you crazy or something?"

"No, actually, I'm..."

"Bless me, Father, for I have skinned."

"That new girl from Transylvania sucks."

"Blake! These aren't homeowners at all! They... they RENT!"

"Any questions before we continue?"

"Yeah. How come none of our hair is weightless?"

"Ghost ninjas?! Are they even quieter than regular ones?"

"It's over, Bargord. I'm holding the Cursed Gem of Rohm and now wield the power over all of Gatscedia and its undead armies. Now give me the amulet of Vurturr before Pakkaria's army breaks the east wall and conjures the Soul of Teretth'eh!"

"It's my ass. The ultimate weapon is my toned ass."

"Jesus. Are you sure you don't have any pen and paper lying around?"

"Agent Morgan, I'm going to be honest. You really suck at keeping a low profile while on missions."

"I knew I shouldn't have tried a homeopathic cure for my eczema."

"Jeet?"

"Wait. Did I leave my phone in that male stripper's gutted corpse? Shit. We gotta go back."

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

The Hosts of the Show "Love It Or List It" Love Or List a Bunch of Stuff

We asked Hilary Farr and David Visentin—hosts of the wildly popular HGTV show "Love It Or List It"—to love or list some things that are not real estate:

• bandanas: LOVE IT

• magnetic poetry kits: LIST IT

• Anya Taylor-Joy: LOVE IT

• Qdoba burritos: LIST IT

• The Johnny Depp/Amber Heard controversy: LIST IT

• Low impact workouts: LOVE IT

• Hats that are too big for you: LOVE IT

• Hats that are too small for you: LIST IT

• Any flavor of Cheerios beside the classic: LIST IT

• Andy Dick: LOVE IT*

• The poetry of Thomas Hardy vs. his novels: LOVE IT

*NewsRadio performances only

More Missed Connections From A Dog Park

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: the confused Setter licking where your balls used to be

Me: the demure Afghan pretending not to notice you notice me

When our eyes connected, it was like magic. I could feel a whole world of possibility between us up until my master told me it was time to go. I had pooped already anyway!

You: the Jack Russell mix with the smell of cat on you

Me: the shedding (sorry!) Samoyed

I was panting not only because I was hot but because YOU WERE. Where'd you get that physique? It wasn't from running around this cramped, 1/4 acre dog run. Look me up!

You: the mutt with the ball

Me: the purebred Rottweiler with BALLS

You looked like you were into playing games. I am, too. I like fetch, tag, and burying my bone, IF you catch my meaning! Wink wink. But seriously, let's fuck.

Th... Th... That's All, Racist Appliances!

UAG

Some Upcoming Conspiracy Theories To Be Featured On InfoWars

Alex Jones's crack team of conspiracy writers have been gracious enough to share with us another exclusive sneak peek at shows they're working on. Here's what to expect in the coming weeks:

• Chore Boy scrubber pads are "Big Copper's" trick to get you into buying more copper.

• It turns out the Matrix is real and THE REAL WORLD IS THE SIMULATION! WAKE UP PEOPLE or GO TO SLEEP or something!

• Rage Against the Machine is a prefab band created by boy band guru Lou Pearlman to cater to more rebellious teens

• Ironically, RFID chips are inserted into every episode of CHiPs to spy on you.

• Every time a server at El Torito offers you "fresh guacamole", decline because it's actually a trick to get you to surrender your civil rights. (needs work)

• Neon signs don't actually contain neon gas but the souls of aborted babies, and every time a sign blinks, it hurts them.

• Everyone who works or has ever worked at a Zales jewelry store are werewolves.

Smecial Dreams Entry

From Andrew: 

From my friend Mig:

And another one from Andrew: 

Here Are Your Timesheets For The Week of March 8

Ahoy, officemates! This is Troy 😼, your fearless (unpaid) intern from the 2nd floor! I have been tasked with the important task (ugh, I just said task twice 🤔. Where is Grammarly when you need it? 😱) of reminding 🎗 everyone to submit their timesheets by "EOD". Here are the job numbers 🔢 you'll probably need:

------------------------------

97725: Dumping cole slaw into the disposal

37281: Looking up the definition for 'REKT'

20809: Teaching spouse the value of money

68223: Toner games

05441: Muting yourself

05442: Unmuting yourself

X3330: Mutant yourself

68342: Making rude gestures to the Fedex guy

12213: Beefing up your resume

82321: Twerking (for presentations only)

38309: Decoding "mamma say mamma sa, ma-ma kusa" to white people

72133: World building

85541: Trying to escape video mode on Facebook

GAU

The ProofrEADJer: Early March Edition Part II

"BACKY ARD"

"Bussines Center:"

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Due to periodic contract negotiations, the following movies and TV shows will be removed from Netflix this week:

• Behind The Scenes of The Making of Season 1 of "Tiger King": The Gaffers Speak

• I Shit You Not: How Hedge Fund Managers Negotiate

• Ice Cube's "Dog Grooming Shop"

• Bryan Cranston Clipping His Nose Hairs For 45 Minutes

• We Throw The Cast of Every Season of "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" into a Live Volcano

The following movies and TV shows will be added to Netflix this week:

• Real Housewives of Chernobyl

• Bedazzled Scroats

• Marie Kondo Says To Hell With It And Starts Hoarding

• ANKLES: An Erotic Documentary

• Pokémons That Can Burn, Whether They're Supposed To or Not

• Professional Cornhole League: Pre-Game, Highlights and Post-Game Wrap-up

Missed Connections: Dog Park Edition

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: short haired Golden Retriever smelling a fence post

Me: that cute mixed Papillon with the green collar

I thought we had a moment when our eyes connected over by the communal water bowl. You seemed interested in me even though I was sniffing someone else and you were being sniffed by someone else. Write back if you want to take this to the next level!

You: the weird cross-eyed pug

Me: I'm not sure what breed I am, but I think I'm a Malamut?

You were very loud and aggressive with the other dogs, but I could tell you were actually a sensitive soul by the gentle way you humped the others. I come by on Tuesdays!

You: the gray Yorkshire with the overbearing owner

Me: a lost cat

My heart went out to you when I saw your owner call you back every time you came close to another dog. She must be afraid they all might bite you! I however, was in serious mortal danger from being mauled by every dog that saw me, including you. Why am I even messaging you? I'M OUTTA HERE!

Mamma Say, Mamma Sa, Mam-ma Pathmark