Tuesday, September 30, 2014

An Imaginned Conversationne

"I mustte say, I don'tte appreciate you leaving your garbagge in frontte of my Olde Curiosity Shoppe."
"I don'tte know whatte you're talking aboutte."
"You keepe leaving your goddamnne sackes of old bagels and napkinnes in frontte of my doorway. It's cluttering my entrance and blockking the waye for my custommers."
"What custommers?! Noboddye ever visitts your dusty olde shittehole."
"Fuckke you. I gette plenty of custommers."
"Likke who? Walk-innes from people givving up fromme waiting for a table at my Bagel Shoppe?"
"Thatte is unfaire."
"Unfaire butte true."
"You know Philippe, you shouldn't be surprised if someone threwwe a burning rocking chairre through your frontte windowwe sometimme."
"Is that a threatte?"
"Thatte's a promisse, motherfuckkerre."

Monday, September 29, 2014

The Worst-Selling Items at the Airport Hudson News

• "Fuck Yeah, Toledo!" Onesie
• Squeezable Commuter Jet Stress Increaser
• Nut Bar
• Collectible Letter Opener (Blade Removed for Security Reasons)
• Unique Inflatable Neck Pillow That Doesn't Make You Look Like An Asshole
• Counterfeit Boarding Pass
• Life-Size Predator Statue with Working LED Sensor and Sounds (Shipping Not Included)
• Nut Bar
• Skymall (Hardback Edition)
• TSA Metal Detector Wand Butt Plug
• Framed Photo of Your Wife and Kids At Home Doing Just Fine Without You
• Terrified lost child, age 6. Goes by the name "Camilla."
• Mandalay Bay, Las Vegas Prayer Cloth
• Soaking wet sock full of pistachios and Tylenol
• Pierce Brosnan's Turd Paperweight
• Nut Bar
• 1/48 Scale Model of the United Express Wing of the Lincoln, Nebraska Airport
• Used CD- Alanis Morisette "Jagged Little Pill"
• Ashley Madison Condom & Herpes Testing Kit
• 'Beats By Dr. Scholl' Footphones
• 4 Gallon Jug of Clorox
• Someone's Misplaced Charts of Nabisco's Q2 2012 West Coast Distribution  Channels
• Non-functioning, Decorative Parachute
• Universal Power Adaptor That Never Fucking Works
• Coupon good for $5 off any Chili's Express purchase. Price: $10
• Hand-carved Amish Rape Whistle
• Blank Journal Book-On-Tape
• Nut Bar
• Cracker Barrel-branded Actual Barrel For Holding Real Crackers In

Friday, September 26, 2014

So You Want To Start Your Own Subway Franchise

Thank you for expressing interest in starting your own Subway franchise. Before we approve you, we have to ask the following questions:

• Do you know how to cook?
• No? That's okay. Do you know how to operate basic machinery?
• No? That's fine. Do you know how to wash your hands?
• No? Not mandatory. Do you know about the basic refrigeration of meat?
• No? That's cool. Do you know how to make a basic sandwich?
• No? Fine, we'll teach you. Do you have $20 to start a business?
• Yes? NOW we're getting somewhere! Welcome to the Subway family!

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Fall Fashion Round-Up

Everybody's in purple. Did Prince die today or something?

Bethany and Craig take a quick stroll around Manhattan to watch the fall leaves before being brutally beaten for $10 in a parking deck.

No wait. Those are actually perfect outfits for shopping at Target.

I happened across this gentleman on the NYC subway. He had a pencil thin mustache and wore a baseball cap like a "rally cap," even though there was no sporting event that day:

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Barack Abomination

You might remember from previous entries that EADJ is curating a Hall of Anthropomorphic Horrors, such as a tooth with teeth, a hand with hands, and a foot with feet.

We found yet another possible addition to the collection from the Far East, a phone texting on a phone. Let me repeat that. A PHONE TEXTING ON A PHONE.


Monday, September 22, 2014

The Last Two Weeks In Hip Hop Awfulness

Hey Cease, when a bevy of whores is grabbing for your junk, maybe it's not a good time to giggle like a schoolgirl.

One good way to see Alpha Centauri without a high-powered telescope is to rub your eyes for 10 minutes straight.

Karla spilled an entire pumpkin spice latte all over the hotel room and didn't even tip housekeeping. Bitch.


"What the fuck, guys? I'm gone for a day, and you two leave the apartment a disaster?! I'm not even gone for 24 hours, and there's foot powder, Reader's Digest magazines, and bags of garbage piled up in the foyer. You guys are hoarders- there's no other word for it, man."

Stock search:" Labor." First result. Boom.

"Is this the real life / is this just fantasy / caught in a landslide…"

Stefani opens her ass cheeks to fart more quietly in the Champagne Room.

Plies is such a dedicated producer, there isn't even room for a CHAIR in his mixing booth!

"Hey, sorry fellas, but you know those exotic Lamborghinis you wanted for your album cover shoot? Well, all we could afford are some motorized Barbie Corvettes from Pep Boys. You'll make do, right?"

I guess if you don't care about proper lighting, basic human size proportions, glowing shoulders, or the fact that the photo of the car you used has reflections from a car show, this is a pretty decent album cover.

I can't tell if M.O.P. is "Free Parking" or "Go Directly To Jail." But it's nice to see how ballin' Monopoly Guy can be.

"Sponsored by Trukfit and Microsoft." That sounds unlikely but I'm too lazy to Google confirmation.

Puff Daddy? He's still around? Are those lines of foot powder?

Pro tip: If you're going to wear a black tie, make sure your facial hair doesn't also look exactly like a black tie.

No change. That cover is awesome.

"Hey, you guys are so far away! Come on up closer to the stage! It's an all ages show- there's no need to be so far back! Come closer, guys, we're going to spin some fun music over here! Okay, whenever you feel like it- there's plenty of room here by the monitors. We're also selling CDs for $5 after the show."

This was the best shot the photographer could take, because PartyNextDoor had to pee really badly and insisted on using his bathroom at home even though the photographer assured him the studio bathroom was perfectly clean.

Now, that's a real shame the guy with a "B" on his hat didn't stand between the guy with the "A" on his hat and the guy with the "C" on his hat. Missed opportunity there.

Meet your new Zumba instructor at Curves: Malissa! Malissa is a licensed Zumba, Zumba Toning, and Aqua Zumba instructor with a ton of energy and a boombox full of terrific workout tunes! Malissa comes from Brookfield, Connecticut and loves being fit and healthy, and she's got what it takes to get you on YOUR FEET and working ON YOUR CORE! The sign up sheet is located outside room 206.

Oh, that's a new hand signal. What does it mean.

Weird. This was all done by hand, but it still somehow feels lazier than one of those Photoshop jobs.