Thursday, June 26, 2014

The EADJ Facebook Defriender

In this installment, we give a hearty goodbye to C_______ from R_________ for using her Wall as a public form of self-affirmation, which is not a crime unto itself, but judging by the posts, either a ton of her friends have consistently betrayed her, or she just posts shit like this to make sure they never do. Translation: extreme manufactured drama by a very entitled person who doesn't have time for this shit but uses ALL HER TIME to post about it.

Here is a sampling of posts C______ made in the LAST WEEK:

And all this came to a head yesterday when C_____ posted this head-scratcher:

So many questions. First one being what does "turn up" mean. Like any other old man, I had to go to Urban Dictionary for clarity:

The other (maybe bigger) question is, why is poor Kermit the Frog part of this? Why has thatsnoneofmybusinesstho co-opted him, of all characters? Maddening. (Careful clicking on that link. You might get an overdose of sass.)

Amen, sister. Bye!

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

And Now For the FIFA World Cup Update by Cement Bird

Cement bird, as some of you might recall, can only communicate via shitty FWD emails.

---------- Forwarded by ernie : Luisa Chua

Fire Prevention!

House Fires!

Received from a friend who is in the property Insurance business. It
is well worth reading. This is One of those emails that if you didn't
send it, rest assured someone on your list will suffer for not reading
it. The original message was written by a lady whose brother and his
wife learned a hard lesson this past week.

Their house burned down and there was nothing left but ashes. They have good
insurance so the house will be replaced and most of the contents. That
is the good news. However, they were sick when they found out the
cause of the fire. The insurance investigator sifted through the ashes
for several hours. He had the cause of the fire traced to the master
bathroom. He asked her sister-in-law What she had plugged in the
bathroom. She listed the normal things....curling iron, blow dryer. He
kept saying to her, "No, this would be something that would
disintegrate at high temperatures". Then her sister-in-law remembered
she had a Glade Plug-In, in the bathroom.

The investigator had one of those "Aha" moments. He said that was the
cause of the fire. He said he has seen more house fires started with
the plug-in type room fresheners than anything else. He said the
plastic they are made from is THIN plastic. He also said that in every
case there was nothing left to prove that it even existed.
When the investigator looked in the wall plug, the two prongs left
from the plug-in were still in there. Her sister-in-law had one of the
plug-ins that had a small night light built in it. She said she had
noticed that the light would dim and then finally go out. She would
walk into the bathroom a few hours later, and the light would be back
on again. The investigator said that the unit was getting too hot, and
would dim and go out rather than just blow the light bulb. Once it
cooled down it would come back on.

That is a warning sign . The investigator said he personally wouldn't
have any type of plug in fragrance device anywhere in his house. He
has seen too many places that have been burned down due to them.



you gotta read this... lol............... 
Trying to flush . .
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Bring words and photos together (easily) with
PhotoMail - it's free and works with your Yahoo! Mail.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Shitty Movie Unsolicited Tagline Dreamworld

Here are more un-asked for tag lines for the movie "Avalanche Sharks," now playing on some channel on your cable box. Probably Discovery or History Channel. Maybe Spike? Fuck.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Jack Bauer, Pun Cop

The following takes place between 11:00am and 12:00pm.

Events occur in real time.

Bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong...

"Chloe, I need you to decrypt the files I've taken from a thumb drive I picked off a terrorist's corpse."

"Scanning, Jack. Uploading the first three."

"Hmm. Nothing there. Just lazy food-related puns. This isn't the information we need to stop the virus bomb, Chloe. What else have you got? I need something I can act on."

"Stand by, Jack."

"Is that a real beer? Jesus."

"It was found by an agent Barry Flanik, sir."

"I don't know who that is. Send me more as it comes, Chloe, I have to rappel off this bridge."

"Chloe, what is this?"

"It's a screenshot from a news program, Jack."

"I know that. These puns are getting worse. We have to locate that virus bomb, Chloe!"

"I'm doing my best, Jack!"

"'Squeeze the Day?!' 'Give Peeps a Chance?!' Things are way worse than I thought they were, Chloe. This effects the whole damn city. We have to triangulate where the signal is coming from and tell the police to evacuate from a six block radius!"

"Dear God. They've gotten an entire city bus. Move move move!"

"Jack, here comes another one."

"Chloe, I can't read that. I've been shot in the stomach. Lost a lot of blood. Tell me how bad the pun is."

"Pretty bad, Jack. There were two of them. Okay, I've isolated the signal and have pinpointed the location along with another file! Uploading now!"

"Is that even a pun, Chloe? Railroads use ties, not rivets. I think that one is a reach."

"Sorry, Jack. I'm just a little frazzled trying to type while being shot at in the Turkistan embassy."

"Just stay cool, Chloe. I'm sure the S.W.A.T. team is on the way."

Bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong

"What the hell is this, Chloe?! This is no good! It's a six month old signal, from CHRISTMAS!!! WE'VE LOST THE TRAIL!!!! DAMMIT!"

Bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong

Thursday, June 19, 2014

An Imagined Conversation

The following is yet another continuation of another imagined conversation.

"Okay, Mike. I think I can stay awake another few minutes until we find each other."

"Good. Now look around and tell me what you see."

"I'm in front of the Life Planning Center. Ovulation kits, pregancy tests, stuff like that."

"Do you see a Delsym Cough Relief Center nearby?"


"Don't move, Sandy, and look closely. It's a big orange kiosk. I'm standing by it, waving."

"Wait, I think I see you, Mike."


"Oh, no. That's not you. I'm by the Gift Card Center now."

"Goddammit, Sandy, you gotta stop moving. Let me come to you."

"Okay, I'll stop walking. I'm now at the Power Center."