UAG

I Want To Pathmark Like An Animal / I Want To Feel You From The Inside

Newly Added Perks of an AMC Stubs Rewards Membership

AMC in association with uncomfortable furniture are proud to announce the latest benefits to the massively successful AMC Stubs Rewards Program. New members as well as current cardholders can enjoy these new perks:

• Free flashlight to check out that Latina's ass

• Free neck pillow for any Terrence Malick movies

• The AMC Stubs app will electrocute you if you log into Netflix

• Personalized license plate: STUBBY ME

• AMC employees will let you try on one of their stinky vests

• The ability to suddenly know all of NaS's lyrics by heart

• You're still thinking about that Latina's ass, aren't you

• Free pair of pants that don't really fit you but they're so nice you'll take a pair, whatever

• Good times (not the show)

• We will teach you how to correctly use the phrase "gig economy" in a sentence

• Seriously, dude, that ass

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain The Real Estate Trends In Vigo County, Indiana

"The Vigo County area, as well as the Clay and Sullivan County areas, are starting to... Ahh... UGGGH!... become a buyer's market as... GAH... can't breathe... FUCK... new business developments and ... ah... ahh... uh... and... um, lower interest rates... Ah.... ah... have... GUH... in L... LE...LE..." *dies*

A Very Special Video Segment of Taglines For "Avalanche Sharks," Featuring Phil and The Puppet Non-Juan

Thanks to Fiverr seller apt1982 for creating this video for us:

Spotted On My Spotify

Three very good listening options.

Upcoming Ice Cream Pop Flavors

Summer's just around the corner–like only 5 months away–so here's a sneak peak at the new flavors you'll be able to enjoy when the ice cream truck stops in your neighborhood:

• Anthony Weiner Push-Up

• The Domino's Pizza Calfrozone

• Raspberry Excuse

• Police Chocolate Profiling

• Frozen Mob Assets

• Pepe the Frog

• The SpaceX Exploding Rocket

• Flat Earth Ice Cream Disk

• Italian Ice Italian Ice Baby

• Unvaccinated Scooter Crunch

• Gisele Bündchen's $500 Fashionable Orange Creamsicle

UAG

In Matters of Truth and Justice, There Is No Difference Between Large and Small Problems, For Issues Concerning the Treatment of People are All the Pathmark.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Fashion A Makeshift Saddle

So you're stranded with your horse and plan to ride a distance but you don't have a saddle handy. What to do? Follow these quick steps to save yourself a lot of riding pain!

1) Take three or four thick blankets and arrange them so that they cover 4 ft x 5 ft.

2) Without bunching them up, carefully tie the four corners of the blankets so that they don't unfold.

3) With two longer lengths of rope, tie the bundle to your horse. Make sure they're tight but not constraining the horse's movements or hurting her.

4) Try riding on it a few times to make sure it's comfortable enough for the long ride.

And speaking of long rides, if you've hired my limo to take you to the airport, please don't tip less if there's traffic. I have no control over it and maybe you should've planned ahead a little to make your flight. Stay safe, kids!

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Hulu This Month

Not to be outdone by Netflix's constant useless announcements of which shows and movies are being removed and added every month, Hulu has announced their latest announcement of which shows and movies are being removed and added every month. Here are the latest shows and movies that are being removed and added to and from Hulu this month:

To be added this month:

• Cackle House

• Spoonful of Rage

• The entire Agent Cody Banks saga, starring Frankie Muniz

• Behind The Agent: The Making of the Entire Agent Cody Banks Saga

• Titslappaz

• Green Eggs and Copyright Infringement

• Busta Rhymes Reads Chinese People's Names

• Let's Eat Dirt

To be removed this month:

• Jiffy Lube Wars

• So I Married A Totally Normal Guy And We're Doing Great

• Shitwillow Acres

• Comparing The Size of My Balls To Various Produce

• Gingham Poppers

• INDICTMENT: The Trials of Sacha Ortiz

• The Glenn Beck Story, starring a bowling pin with glasses

• JPEG, the Movie

The ProofrEADJer: Mid-January Edition

UAG

Right?!

More Unused, Terrible Porn Names

So you've arrived at the San Fernando Valley and want to get into the porn business. But your name is Robert George Ackerman III?! No, son. You need a catchy porn name. One that hasn't been claimed already. Here are some that are available for you (and your girlfriend) because they're so awful no one wants them:


HER:

Aspiri Nactress
Concertina Wire
Lexus Dealer Today
Whyeye Otta
Lesbia Lickaphiia
Anneghan Offigan
Heidi Tighty and Lefty Lucy
Facetious Comment
Kay Sadiya


HIM:

Fortnite Minecraft
Scam Likely
Otto Zone
Swole Buttman
Jack King Hoff
Zazzle Knutts
Hannibal Pecker
Papi Bagel

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Due to contract changes, the following movies and TV shows will be removed from Netflix this week:

• Massaging Bobby Flay

• Dr. Pitbull Popper

• Was ist das an meinem Hals? (What Is On My Neck?)

• Pawn Shop Janitor Wars

• Whiny Rich Real Estate Fuckbois

• Star Wars: Minor Character Retcon Prequel

The following movies and TV shows will be added to Netflix this week:

• Klan Wives

• Shitting On The Dock of the Bay

• Gastrointestinal Singles

• Arthur Miller's "Crucible" Modernized And Made Unwatchable

• Bozark

• Tinkling the Glockenspiel

• We Interview Porn Stars While Pretending To Listen To Them

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Here Are Your Job Numbers For Jan. 7-11, 2019

Hey guys. Samantha here. You know the deal. Don't make me get up and hunt you down. Don't get on my bad side. Don't make me put down my coffee. Don't cross me sideways unless you want a size 10 heel up your wazoo, mister. Job numbers. Do them. Submit them to Accounting by 3pm or none of us will get paid:

28488: Burning the microwave popcorn

28488b: Claiming to like burnt microwave popcorn

86936: Flossing while "flossing"

50138: Work stuff

78934: Googling "pipe bomb" in Private mode

38199: Spitting on your dick at the urinal

200723: Washing that man right out of your hair

933567: Finding a toe ring that matches

422420: Greenlighting another shitty DCEU movie

100731: Shouting sweet nothings across the street

283680: Bringing a "hunna stack" to the Dollar Store

55883: Headbutting Jeff Bridges

102144: Headbutting Steve Buscemi

838371: Headbutting John Goodman

Yo Ho Ho And A Bottle of Pathmark

The ProofrEADJer:

You'd think the writers of Elektra would know how to spell her name.

You'd think the owners of Oreo cookies would know how to spell the name.

UAG