Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Because We Can't Stop Talking About It: Learnings 2 from 25 Days of Hallmark Movies

I'm sure a lot of you readers are wondering, so who won EADJ's 25 Days of Hallmark Movies? Well, little scout, this month-long segment wasn't a competition per se, but since you asked, we have to give it a little bit of thought here.

The 25 men and 25 women were judged on likability, believability and overall attractiveness. People were eliminated if they were annoying, too passive, generic or otherwise boring as shit. Also there were a few children, and they shouldn't win anything.

MEN: The EADJ judges picked Brennan Elliott who played the lovelorn music teacher Danny Collier in "A Christmas Melody," also starring Lacey Chabert and Mariah Carey. He seemed pretty believable and didn't embarrass himself with dramatic overtures of love and pining. He was also not a dick to anybody else–you'd be surprised how many of the other main characters were pricks before they magically fell in love.

WOMEN: There were a lot of blank slates here, defined only by their need to FIND A MAN BY CHRISTMAS DAY. That's pretty depressing. But Arielle Kebbel's goofy turn as Christmas festival organizer Chloe seemed proactive and stable enough to win her the 2017 crown. It didn't hurt that she looks like a younger, hotter Britney Spears.

And there you have it: Elliot + Kebbel = ULTIMATE CHRISTMAS ROMANCE

2017's power couple hasn't starred in a Hallmark Christmas movie together, but at the rate Hallmark is cranking that shit out, it's only a matter of time when he plays a single father who owns a construction company and she's a lonely homeowner who needs someone to repair her broken porch and heart. "Christmas Under Construction," coming November 2018!

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

25 Days of Hallmark Movies: Learnings

Here are 3 takeaways we learned from watching 25 straight days of crappy, maudlin, unironic Hallmark Christmas Movies:

1) After about 15 movies, it's pretty hard to find one that doesn't star the same actors or actresses.

When we started in December, we had this arbitrary rule where we couldn't review a movie that starred the same actor or actors. Little did we know that there are a lot of repeat performers in this genre. You'd think with Hollywood teeming with actors and actresses–all with slightly-above soap opera acting skills–this wouldn't be a problem. But I guess Hallmark likes having a stable of go-to talent.

 Here are some movies we couldn't review because of the damn same actors:

2) Doing an EADJ Crappinema write-up shouldn't take as long as it does. I consistently cranked out a pretty lengthy Hallmark movie write-up (similar to the Crappinema entries) daily for 25 days straight. Each movie took about 1.5 hours to watch and 2 hours to make fun of. The last Crappinema entry was posted on August 4, 2015, and before that, September 3, 2014.  I've proven in the last month that it doesn't have to take a fucking year to write these stupid things. So look for more of this shit in the future. I apologize in advance.

3) I'm no screenwriter, but those movies pretty much write themselves. Here are the main elements you need in any of these movies:

• single parent / broken heart
• a small town to come back from the big city to
• bright, precocious kids
• a co-worker BFF who acts as pep talker/cheerleader
• a Christmas festival full of events and decorations
• a misunderstanding in the third act that creates temporary conflict

So make the movie about a [teddy bear maker] whose [factory] closed down in the big city, so they had to come back to their hometown and meet an old classmate who happens to specialize in [toy law]. They team up and start their own [teddy bear factory] and fall in love in the process. "Stuffed For Christmas" starring Lacey Chabert and [handsome dude].

I've considered doing this 25-day thing every December, actually. It's oddly fun for me and there is NO SHORTAGE of these types of movies. We'll see!

Monday, December 25, 2017

25 Days of Hallmark Movies: Day 25: "Romance At Reindeer Lodge" Starring Nicky Whelan and Josh Kelly

The idea behind this one is that if you force two unwilling but compatible people together in a Christmas setting, they'll inevitably fall in love. It's supposed to by cute and romantic but actually sounds more like a method for breeding cattle. And with Molly accidentally dropped in the situation and powerless to escape, it's got darker tones of cult recruiting techniques. Happy Holidays!

Plot summary: "A group of adults from different parts of the country have sworn off partaking in holiday events. Two of those people are Molly and Jared. Upon arriving at their destination, they discover it’s a Christmas themed ranch. With no flight out until after Christmas, the group ends up staying. The Christmas activities eventually melt everyone’s cynical hearts and Molly and Jared’s love blossoms."

Wait. What adult would read the name "REINDEER LODGE" and not think it's a Christmas-themed ranch, whatever the fuck that is? Some people need to read the fine print. Or the bold print. Or need to read, period. Goddam illiterates.

Romance Factor: 5 out of 10
Christmas Cheer: 200 out of 10
Overall Rating: 102.5 out of 10
Time Until First Kiss: 1:22:57

Okay, that's the last one. 25 days of Hallmark movies is over, thank Jesus. I briefly considered just finishing off the month with 6 more, but shit, I've squandered enough of my life for this already. Fuck you, readers.