Friday, October 13, 2017

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of October 9


Twitter is the tool of tools. The mouthpiece of morons. The megaphone of ultra-douches. But even the tooliest douches refuse to use the following hashtags. So go ahead and emblazon your dumb tweets with them yourself, you bottom-feeder:

#gazellepussy
#abstinencefetish
#MarioKartfairness
#PuncturedLungIdol
#knittedcrackpipecozy
#TedCruzinalobsterbib
#KochBrotherscrowdfunding
#PantsOnTheGrounddubstepremix
#HarveyWeinsteinteambuildingexercise

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Some X-Men Ideas Based On A Building Safety Notice


Overlong setup:

20th Century Fox has the rights to all X-Men films. The problem is, the immensely successful "Logan" killed off all the X-Men, along with Logan himself and Professor X. And although the Deadpool franchise is going to continue being a box office smash, 20th Century Fox desperately needs ideas for new X-Men. Desperate for some new superheroes, their writers turned to a building safety notice on the corner of 16th and Park in New York City. Here now are six upcoming X-Men movie ideas:


"The Derby" starring Ansel Elgort. Elgort is an assistant at a high end haberdashery who witnesses a robbery and puts on a prototype derby hat that can FIGHT CRIME! Directed by Corey Yuen, The evil Men's Wearhouse owner is played by Peter Stormare in a fake beard.


"G@@gles" starring Chris O' Neal and Derek Luke. A rising ophthalmologist in Chicago gets bitten by a contaminated fly and gains super vision, enhanced even more by his new powerful goggles invention. He FIGHTS CRIME with his newfound talents. Derek Luke plays the turned-evil optometrist with a laser pointer.


"X-Vest" starring Johnny Galecki, Mark Jackson, and Lily Collins. Johnny Galecki plays a pickpocket who accidentally steals an experimental vest from a NASA base. The vest triggers his mutant power of super strength and effortless directing of traffic. Voila: X-Vest!


"White Boot, Invisible Boot" starring Rosa Salazar, Hope Davis and Richard Gere. A young employee at a shoe store discovers two mismatched alien boots. The boots are radioactive and enhance her mutant abilities for super speed, super leg strength and the ability to WORK IT.


"White Glove, Invisible Glove" starring Dane DeHaan. Same shit as above but with gloves.


"I Don' Wanna Hear It" starring Daniel Dae Kim, Ana de Armas and Chris Pine. Daniel Dae Kim plays a cosmic being from another universe whose extraordinary hearing is aided by a pair of magical headphones to hear crime being committed. Chris Pine plays the villainous manager of HEAR Music.


Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Beach Rocks Was Mellow.


Beach Rocks was mellow.


Radio Controller Instructions was wired.


Airplane Coffee Control Panel didn't give a shit.


Vending Machine Bill Slot seethed with rage, however.


Back of Brick Building does his best Goofy impression.


Step Stool is absolutely shocked.


Fruit Plank is just happy to be here.


Two Way Sign would rather be somewhere else.


Udon Noodles wants to kill himself.


Outside Ashtray is drunk and would like to tell you a hilarious story.


Fast Food Mini Oven is all business.


Two Water Fountains is uncomfortable with you staring at her.


We can't go on together... with suspicious wines...  ♫


"Yarrrgh, matey!"


Dumpster Handle is without words.


Freshly Baked Pastries laugh it up.


Green Map Area is a psycho puppet.


"Help me! I'm trapped!"

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

The ProofrEADJer: Halloween's Cooming Edition











Here's another video. It's a little long, boring and hard to see, but watch for misspellings of COMBINATION, BEEF, SAUSAGE, and CHEESE:




Friday, October 6, 2017

Vince's Uncle Roberto Explains How To Publish Your Own Book



1) First, just get words on paper; work on your manuscript done. Once your manuscript is ready, use a self-publishing service to put your book in front of readers. Learn from their feedback to make an even better follow-up title.

2) Find an editor. While not required for self-publishing, editors can help make your story flow better, strengthen plots and characters, spot inconsistencies, and generally make your book more interesting and approachable in both fiction and nonfiction.

3) Find the right distributor. Don't use any book publishing service which demands an up-front fee and/or an excessive cut of sales revenue—there's simply no reason to pay for expensive vanity publishers anymore. Instead, use a service like Amazon's Kindle Direct Publishing. Similar self-publishing services are offered by Barnes & Noble (through Nook Press), Apple (through iTunes Connect) and others, but Amazon's is one of the most widely available platforms and is easy to use.

And speaking of Apple, if you need your iPhone charged in my limo, I have both an old fashioned 6-pin cord and one of the new "lightining" cables. So keep your cool and don't start shouting about my "old piece of shit car" when I've clearly kept with the times. Be safe, kids.

Thursday, October 5, 2017

EADJ Calls Bullshit

Spotted at a children's birthday party joint: "TENNIS Champion."


BULLSHIT. Kid looks what, 5 months old? She's sitting up— maybe by herself— so she's somewhere between 4 and 7 months. So to be able to even hold the lightest carbon tennis racquet would take strength and coordination that SHE DOES NOT YET POSSESS.

Let's not even get into the fact that she cannot walk yet, so how is she supposed to crawl quickly to the other side of a (assumedly regulation-size) tennis court to even return the ball?

Well, maybe if the other players in the championship are also dribbling infants. Maybe she could beat them all 40/love if they were incoherent or asleep or crying about being left in the middle of a tennis court in the heat. But that would still require her to be able to successfully serve the ball over the net about 4 times a game, assuming the others who were serving wouldn't be able to.

Okay, so maybe she won all the games where she wasn't serving, and that was enough for her to win the infant tennis championship. But she is no fucking tennis champion by any stretch of the imagination.

Let's not go crazy here. Fucking bullshit is what it is.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

EADJ Pun Police: 16th Century Scottish Regent Edition


"Walcome! Whit like? Regent Morton at Aberdour Castle here, strolling the grounds in 16th Century Scotland, reinforcing the daily standard and keeping an extra eye for puns! Wot say here?"


"To-ma-toes. A silly pun. Ultimately harmless. Off you go, rascal! We'll have none of your tomfoolery this evenin'!"


"Ha! In Tents. It's a good laugh. I'm a kind regent with a horse's breadth of leeway. I send thee away with a wink and a slap!"


"Oy, jobby! That is a horrific example of a pun! Two nights in the castle brig for you, Skittles point-of-purchase display!"


"Meh. Me sensibilities are intact, not insulted here. Try harder, you dobber."


"Wheelie cool. Wheelie lazy and lame. I banish thee to the Highlands without a map." 


"Bolt, ya rocket. This tote is heavy from being full of shite!"


Groooaaaan. "The complete prick of a tosser who wrote this should be pummeled with a plan├žon."


"Two puns in one sentence? Out with the halbert poles! Into the bridewell cage with this wallaper!"


"Gah. Three awful puns in a row. And to a sixties song, to boot! Gonnae no' dae that! Shut yer puss, fannybaws! Bastinado for thee!"


"FOUR?! O mine Gott. Haud yer wheesht! We shall boil them alive, birch them, break the beetroot on a wheel and then behead the lavvy-headed, wispy-haired, leather-faced, bawbag-eyed, huffy wee fuckbumper."

Monday, October 2, 2017