Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Some Thoughts On Seeing The Ad for 10,000 Maniacs Playing at the SOPAC


• That's not Natalie Merchant

• Yeah,  I'm pretty sure that's not Natalie Merchant

• Not that I care that much, but where is Natalie Merchant?

• Maybe her bandmates found her just as boring and bland as I do?

• Who is this new woman? And why did it have to be a woman?

• Why didn't they just hire a Filipino dude like Journey did?

• That's not Edie Brickell, is it?

• I'm no historian, but I'm pretty sure they didn't create the Alternative Rock format. Pixies did.

• Does this new vocalist sound like Natalie Merchant, pronouncing all her vowels as As?

• If Natalie Merchant put on glasses, would she resemble Janeane Garofalo?

• What's on TV on Sunday, March 26 at 7:30pm?

Friday, March 31, 2017

6 Lies Told By The Museum of Natural History's Butterfly Conservatory Brochure



1) "Tropical butterflies alive in winter." If by "alive" you mean forced to stay indoors with limited access to Netflix, you could say the butterflies are alive.

2) That is actually famed butterfly impersonator Daniel Hallenbach, doing his best Cydno Longwing impression. Please tip him well!

3) Courtenay here is more into millipedes, but she posed for this photo for the college credit.


4) Justin actually posed with a butterfly in this photo, but the editors took it out to make him look dumb.

5) "Tickets to Butterflies include admission to the Museum and the Rose Center for Earth and Space." What they don't tell you is that you should go to the Rose Center first, because if you walk into there with butterflies in your sweater or hair, Jerome working the desk will swat the shit out of you in a panic.

6) The museum stole this URL from the Armenian Milliners of New Hampshire, a polite group of Turkish-related laborers keen on putting hats on North Americans.

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We are proud to announce the "6 Lies Told" Charity Auction for Change, co-sponsored by the Make A Difference! Foundation and GetGoing.org. The Charity Auction will be a four day event to benefit people whose lives were changed forever by 6 Lies. Participants are invited to wear a magenta wristband (pictured above) to show solidarity with the 6 Lies survivors. Items to be sold at auction:

• Dax Shepard's helmet from "CHiPs"

• A ham

• Henry Kissinger's tit prints, signed

• The movie rights to the "Ender's Game" franchise

• A pair of socks with "DIG DEEPER" printed on the bottom

• Heroin

• Handmade glue bombs

• A free $25 salon visit to any salon of your choice, provided it's located in Berkeley Heights, NJ

• Real validation from your peers

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Something We Noticed

The difference between a fake smile and a real smile is subtle but noticeable: a person's eyes will often "close up" as the cheeks move upwards.


One thing we notice on the artwork of 100% of the "as seen on TV" merchandise in stores is that the models CLEARLY ARE NOT REALLY HAPPY:







Their mouths are smiling, but their eyes are begging for you to rescue them. 





It's fucking depressing, really.


Friday, March 24, 2017

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness



As a Mario fan, I find this offensive.


As a historian and fan of dolphin jewelry, I find this offensive.


No change. Perfect.


One of the first things kids like to build in Minecraft is a no-name rapper.


Somebody's still bitter about that hug-with-a-pat from Chelsea.


I knew rappers talked with their hands, but this is ridiculous!


This brand of bud is called "Google Street View." Not sure why.


If a spaceship crashes anywhere near L.A., everyone would assume it's a shoot and ignore it.


The best way to cover up a shitty Photoshop job is to TRACE IT IN ILLUSTRATOR.


"Are you sure UPS is going to deliver it to the right address this time?"

"Leave it to me."


Neat. But where are the paintbrushes? And who paints from a La-Z-Boy chair?


One terrific pun is pretty wonderful. But two is a blessing.


Giant Hooker found the least conspicuous place to fart: Manhattan.


Much to Lil Tracy's disappointment, there was little to no moshing at the zombie prison camp.


Stand in the wrong place, and you change the name of your mixtape to FARTS 2.