Thursday, May 29, 2008

How To Create a Cirque Du Soleil Sensation

Step 1) Come up with a really annoying name that's half English and half whatever (preferably French). It's okay if you ignore Latin origins and basic word structure (See Zumanity).

Step 2) For your soundtrack, recruit the talents of John Tesh, Kitaro or Mannheim Steamroller. If those guys are busy, just have a turtle walk on a casio keyboard.

Step 3)
Get some dancers in leotards. Throw harlequin masks on them and make them hang from the ceiling doing crazy shit. Charge $80 a pop.

Step 4) Unleash your blight on culture to the world (aka Vegas)!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Two Dunderheaded Fartknockers and What They're Thinking About

Humping The Shark

The Michael Bay Verizon commercial gets played before Uwe Boll's "Postal," which literally played on only 4 screens nationwide last weekend. There were only four people in this theatre, so big media buy there.

This Whole Thing Is a Sham.

So when we got married, J'Net and I registered to get some shams for some pillows in the bedroom. But I didn't realize the pillows were just decorative– that you're not really supposed to use them to sleep with. And the shams are dry clean only, so after having them dry cleaned, J'Net said they're full of chemicals that we shouldn't be breathing. So wha hoppen? Now we have two pillows we're not supposed to use covered in pillowcases we're not supposed to be putting our heads on. I know, next time, let's throw some decorative bear traps covered in rape by our feet!

(pictured above, the hexagon-patterned shams. Pretty, aren't they.)

Sort of related: A completely unnecessary Wikipedia entry.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Clarification Corner 2

Get it right!

Michelle Kwan is an Olympic medal-winning figure skater from Torrance, California.
Michelle Quan is a cosmetician as well as a superior teacher from Bay Ridge, New York who advertises in the "Brooklyn's Finest Shopping Guide" circular.

Michelle Kwan is the third child of Danny and Estella Kwan, Chinese immigrants from Hong Kong.
Michelle Quan was birthed from an Indian chief and a grizzly bear.

Michelle Kwan always wears a good luck necklace that her grandmother gave her.
Michelle Quan once stole some platinum rims off her boyfriend's Escalade to pay for insulin.

Michelle Kwan had a pet squirrel when she was younger.
Michelle Quan specializes in Brazilian waxing.

A fan of Michelle Kwan would respond to this Clarification Corner post with an irate letter, saying how dare I sully the good name of a true role model and Olympic champion, and that I'm just jealous and why don't I get a life.
A fan of Michelle Quan would throw a rock in my window and murder me.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Unwanted Graffiti Update!

During Graffiti Week some weeks ago, someone had scrawled "What did the MTA do with the 100 Million it made in billboard advertizements (sic)?"

Since then, it has caught the attention of others.

I'm not really sure where the tagger got $100 Million figure from, but I thought it sounded way too high. But a quick check on MTA's budget pages revealed that they weren't way over the mark:

Whether related or not, a third person began doing MATH on the subway board.

I actually was lucky enough to see the guy doing this on the platform. He wasn't a behooded tagger, though, just some older gentleman who didn't happen to have any scrap paper on him.

How We Do in BKLYN

(pictured above, my neighbor Peter learned that he had to chain his plants up when leaving them outside to get fresh sun after one was stolen. Which reminds me– I totally forgot to ask him how often to water the ficus.)

Friday, May 23, 2008

Bilbo Baggage

In every airport baggage claim area, I've noticed there's always one weird, plaid-patterned plastic bag that gets dumped out on the carousel. What the fuck?

What's in that stupid thing? Food? Laundry? Shitty electronics?

I don't even know where to buy one of those bags. Dollar stores? Talbots? (Yeah, Talbot's stores, that's a burn.) Still, the people who travel with those things fascinate me.

Now what's in the bucket? Hey! You with that stupid bag, come back! Aww man, this is the worst EADJ entry ever!

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Jerald Johnson, Where Are You?

I found a comments section on Jerald Johnson's profile page. I got to leave the first one!

Condiments Question

Many EADJ readers have asked over the years if Joel enjoys eating dick with any condiments or sauces. The answer is 'sometimes.'

•In the spring, Joel enjoys dipping dick in praline spread and framboises confiture.

•During episodes of "Ugly Betty," Joel enjoys dick with a pineapple and ginger sauce.

•Joel eats dick with Marmite, but only after being slapped.

•Mustard and worchestershire sauce is a favorite dick sauce when Joel is watching a game of jai alai.

•When dining on dick at the Cleveland airport, Joel insists on a bottle of "Denzel's Dangerous Goods."

•When being accused of forgery, Joel enjoys dick with a roasted garlic teriyaki sauce.

(pictured above, LAX decides to end their college internship program)

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Standing By...

Still trying to start a dialogue with the elusive Jerald Johnson.

We found a feature on where you can chat with other members:

Left this window open for four days straight. No answer yet, dammit.

JERALD, WHERE ARE YOU??!?!??!?!??!

Let's Put Dressing Directly on the EADJ Mail Sack's Salad Even Though She Asked Us Specifically To Put It On the Side!

(submitted by J'Net, an ad for an amazing hair replacement system that not only grows hair but summons your mother)

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

No Third Sequel, Okay.

(pictured above, the Sisterhood's Traveling Pants finds a final resting place on a railing in Brooklyn)


"No, Mr. Thomas, this is a vibraphone."

The manager of the music store was cordial and professional, although it was clear he was irritated by Joel's questions.

"What's the difference?"

"Well, they're both very similar, but a xylophone uses wooden bars whereas the vibraphone is made with aluminum..."

"Which one gets mad dick?"

"Excuse me?"

"I was told the xylophone or the vibes or whatever gets you some mad dick. And I love to eat dick, so get me the instrument that makes that shit happen."

"I'm not really sure what to say to that."

"C'mon, man! Xylo or Vibro? Tell me which one is the on-ramp to the dick highway!"

"Are you speaking in metaphors?"

"Yeah, the on-ramp part. But the mad dick is literal."

"Maybe you'd be interested in a glockenspiel instead. That has metal bars, but is smaller and higher in pitch."

"Oh! Do you get mad dick from that?"

"Sir, you get mad CRAZY dick from a glockenspiel."

"Well, serve that shit up, my brotha!"


(pictured above, I title this one "Of Course I'm Listening To You.")

Monday, May 19, 2008

"Youse" Usage

A snarky, ironic appearance of "yous" at Trader Joe's in Midtown:

And a less ironic, more excellent one in JFK:

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Damn, I Missed the Previous Three.

Okay, I know EADJ doesn't do this Curlz MT bit anymore, but this flyer for the Fourth Annual Mental Health Film Festival had some other stuff going on besides that typeface, so try to ignore that...

• Two bucks sez the movie with the Agoraphobic Mom has a line like, "Take it easy, Mom!"
• "Working Like Crazy" wasn't the first choice for the filmmakers of a movie about mental health in the workplace; "Clocking In-SANE," "Obsessive Compulsive Disorderlies," and "Wack Job" were other contenders.
• Those stray stars bug me– they're kind of driving me nuts.

Haw Haw.

(pictured above, somebody's idea of a prank at the office: taping my drawers together with art tape!)

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Well, Hello Ladies.

(pictured above, proof that New Zealand country artists are still all about the music.)


Mere days after we first made contact with Jerald, we received an email this morning that got our hearts aflutter:

But closer inspection revealed it wasn't an email from Jerald Johnson, world traveler. It was from GERALD JANSSEN, advertising photographer. FUCK!

You can peruse Gerald Janssen's portfolio here, but this is cool, too.

Another Late Graffiti Entry

(pictured above, an amorous and creative vandal expresses his feelings for Nicole. Even though she's a slut.)

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Let's Tell the EADJ Mail Sack We Don't Have a Cigarette When In Fact We Really Do!

Submitted by Andrew Gall a week late for Graffiti Week, some graffiti:

It's the Off Brand T.P. Roundup!

EDITOR'S NOTE: Eat A Dick Joel, in partnership with ABC's Nightline, is proud to present this segment on lesser-known brands of toilet paper that we've found in bars, restaurants and massage parlors. Generic bathroom tissue has literally been sampled around the world for this exclusive entry, and we hope you can learn something from this special report.

Brand: Maverick 1 Ply (!) Bathroom Tissue
Brand Imagery: A horse rampant near a mountain range.
Brand Promise: Adventure and excitement of the great outdoors.
Brand Reality: The name "Maverick" promises a rough and rugged, relentless pounding between the legs as you ride into the sunset.

Brand: Classique
Brand Imagery: A "classy" typeface and some swash decorations.
Brand Promise: A touch of class.
Brand Reality: Possible pink spots from a chafed anus.

Brand: Reliance
Brand Imagery: Ornate floral pattern.
Brand Promise: Go-to reliability and comfort.
Brand Reality: 50/50 chance of getting poop on your manicure.

Brand: Kleenex (Exported to New Zealand) with "luxury embossing"
Brand Imagery: Kleenex logo and a butterfly.
Brand Promise: All the luxury and comfort that you've come to love from the American brand.
Brand Reality: We save the good stuff for the fatasses at home.

Brand: Candlewood Facial Quality Bathroom Tissue
Brand Imagery: A silhouetted tree on a green-to-mauve gradient.
Brand Promise: Aromatic, natural spa-level comfort.
Brand Reality: Feels like you're trying on a thong made from fiberglass insulation.

Brand: Captiva Plush 1-Ply Soft Bathroom Tissue
Brand Imagery: A bizarre tornado-looking thing with bubbles.
Brand Promise: A fascinating whirlwind of softness.
Brand Reality: A tasmanian devil clawing and screaming at your cornhole.

Brand: Everest
Brand Imagery: Mount Everest.
Brand Promise: A refreshing, cool adventure for the senses.
Brand Reality: Actually, a pretty good flag to mark your accomplishments.

Monday, May 12, 2008

A Photoshop Experiment

Pictured below, per a suggestion by Andrew Gall, Photoshopping a certain ECD's eyes on a GI Joe works pretty good.


In a move that will send shockwaves throughout the online community and blogosphere, EADJ is proud to report that the elusive Jerald Johnson has not only recently contacted Tom Weingard, but David Estoye as well.

And not only has he added me as a friend, he has requested that I fill in a section called "The best thing about Jerald is..."

Here's what I wrote:

"If you were to ask me the best thing about Jerald Johnson, I would say it is that the man is stylish. Even when mopping a tile patio (an extremely rare thing in New York, United States) he has enough sense of style to pop the collar of his Structure polo shirt. I mean, just because you have to do menial labor doesn't mean you can't be pimpin, too. And judging from the photo, he is thorough enough in his task to sweep beforehand. Jerald is one severely neat dude."