Meanwhile, Back At The Gaslight...

"Excuse me, sir."

"Yes?"

"I just got the bill, and it's $230 for a Coke and a tuna melt sandwich?"

"No, you ordered way more than that."

"I'm quite sure I did not."

"Yes you did. You ordered the grilled rib chop, the marinated lamb skewer, the steamed Maine mussels, the rotisserie cauliflower, the field greens with red and yellow tomatoes with crumbled feta and a roasted garlic dressing and the fruit gazpacho with watermelon, blueberries and strawberries."

"What?! This is outrageous!!!! I did nothing of the kind! It's just me and I ate a small lunch for 15 minutes!"

"You've been here for 23 minutes, ma'am, and you did manage to put it all away somehow. If you would like to see the dessert menu, I can always add that to the bill."

"... (sigh) Fine. I'll take a look."

EADJ Just Wants To Say Hi

Hey there. No, don't get up– we weren't going to stay for long. Just wanted to drop in and say hello and make sure you're doing okay. No, you're not in trouble. There is no major formal reason why we're here. We just wanted to check that you were still enjoying this blog after 16 years of this. We know we've had some good enduring segments and others that either fell to the wayside or were just shitty to begin with LOL.

Yeah. But we're glad you still hanging around for some reason. You look great, btw.

More Missed Connections From A Local Dog Park

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: Half Shiba Inc with the regal, proud tail and the "hump me" eyes.

Me: The randy dog. The terrier, to be more specific. The Bedlington Terrier to be even more specific. After initial "introductions", you went off to sniff a pole. I know my balls have been cut off, but I was still very aroused by you. My master and I are here on Tuesdays!

You: The bleach-white Samoyed

Me: The mutt with heart worms. Listen, I know you probably come from money, and I'm just a mongrel dog of a local garage owner, but maybe you're getting tired of your high class toys and all the presents from your uptown boys. You have a choice.

You: the fabulous Maltipoo

Me: the totally fierce Shih Tzu

Hey bitch! We totally need to hang out again! My human loves to shop at the same places yours does; I've seen you at Burberry and Coach before. Let's get together and paint the town with our pee! LATERZ XXXX

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Hulu This Month

Hulu occasionally renews or cancels shows or movies based on viewer preferences. Here now are all the shows that will be added to Hulu this month:

• Chicago Library

• Chicago Parking

• Chicago Sanitation

• Chicago License Administration

• Tits 'n Waffles

• Jake Paul: Door Dasher

And here are the shows and movies that Hulu is removing from their lineup this month:

• Joey Sneaking a Bottle in His Sweatpants

• Project Bladder

• Trillionaire Real Estate Trash

• Very Young Sheldon

• Magnum U.T.I.

UAG

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

I'm not scared of this guy at all. Am I supposed to be?

I reached for this, thinking it was the "Dirty Dancing" soundtrack.

Dollar Store Notorious B.I.G., anyone? I know, I know. It's a "tribute."

I'm guessing hospitals are now discharging babies in diapers and ski masks. 

I like this.

"A Lars Ulrich is on line two."

A tribute Bulworth. Looks like Lana Del Rey vomiting LilYachty.

We Ask Three Girls Named "Oola" What They Think of Their Name

 Editor's note: Oola is German girl's name and meaning of this name is "A Red Lizard".

"I like my name, I guess. I mean, what else would I be called? Do I look like a Diana?" -Oola Schneider

"How'd you get this number? Did my sister send you? Because you tell that bitch I will END her if she interferes with my marriage. Helmut is MINE!" - Oola Richter

"I like my name. Other kids like it, too. Only one boy ever made fun of it, and he's floating in the East River now. Sup" - Oola König

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Restring A Wind Chime

Adding a wind chime to your backyard space is a simple, pleasant way to enhance your home. Whether you have a broken chime that needs to repair, here's how to string wind chimes all by yourself. 

1) To restring the chimes, you'll need a high-quality cord, a ruler and scissors.

2) Once your string is ready, use an upholstery needle so you can properly weave string through those long tubes. Needle-nose tweezers may also work. Measure as you go to make sure everything will look (and perform) as good as new.

3) When tying knots on your replacement string, you need a sturdy knot that will stand up to the test of time. We actually add a touch of glue to our knots to ensure a strong one that won't break or come undone.

4) You can test how well your wind chimes will function by giving them a soft ring with a tapping fork. This step will help ensure that when you hang your chime, it will ring just like it used to! If things sound a little bit off, you may need to restring one of the chimes again.

And speaking of chimes, I usually turn my cell phone on 'vibrate' when driving a fare in my limo. Of course, one time my daughter called me and my customer had to hear a few bars of Aerosmith's "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing".

Be safe, kids!

New Documentaries Available To Watch On The Documentaries Channel

If you like factual information served up with insultingly manipulative music and heavy-handed voiceovers, then you'll love the Documentary Channel! Here are the newest releases on the popular network:

• Are Raccoon Droppings Explosive?

• The Battle of Grenada: A 28-Part Breakdown of Every Military Advance

• Wool: Why That Shit Itches So Fucking Much

• Instagram Models: THOT or NOT?

• We Interview Your Uncle About How Hot He Thinks You Are

• Traffic Court: A Hellish Gulag of Unpaid Fines

•  Combinations of Words That Make White People Uncomfortable When They're Around Black People

• Millennials Playing With Jarts

• "What, You Think You're Better Than Me?" - The Michael Rapaport Story

Some More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

Her: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Him: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Cameo by Will Ferrell: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

"You think you man enough to climb me? Climb my face, bitch."

"No, they are not real. None of this is."

"Jeez, I knew the whole office hated Alison, but this is over the top, guys."

"Can we have a deadly night out for once? I don't feel like having a deadly night in again."

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Another Episode of "Where Are They Now?"

Most people remember Balloon Weights as the only woman of Sri Lankan descent to ever appear in an Elvis Presley movie. Unfortunately, Mrs. Weights passed away at the age of 94 last year. She spent her retired years gardening and stripping for charity.

After getting the funding from "Shark Tank" to start her recyclable detergent company started, Tusken Ballista found love on the talk show circuit and is currently happily married to Jimmy Fallon.

No longer a fixture on NPR's "Marketplace", Cotton Bunting is now serving 3 years in federal prison for witness tampering in the sexual assault case of his former wrestling coach.

UAG

Some Burning Questions About Pearl Milling Company's Pancake On The Go

1. Who's so busy that they can't wait for pancakes?

2. Who's so busy that they can't wait for pancakes but I insists on having them "on the go"?

3. Will these people get fired if they stop for 10 minutes to sit down and eat pancakes like a normal person?

4. Who eats pancakes with a spoon out of a cup?

5. Does the awful experience eating pancakes with a spoon out of a cup make eating pancakes even worth it at this point?

6. Has the person who this is for reexamined their work/pancake balance?

Let's Unzip The EADJ Mail Sack!

 Submitted by John Reid:

"Ahem"

More Porn Names That Are Only Available Because They Are Awful

Welcome to the porn industry! Before you walk onto the black leather set we've prepared for you and your multiple partners, we'll need you to pick a porn name- you know, an alias to put on the credits so people can search for you in later productions if they like this one. Here's a soiled trucker hat full of porn names written on scraps of paper. Help yourself to any of it, but fair warning– a lot of these are terrible:

Her

Dianabetes

Ophelia Nutz

Phyllis Teen

Carol of the Balls

Udder Pradesh

Him

Ivar Mectin

Schaden Freude

Francis Scrote Key

Jack Emhoff

Cock A. Maim Me

Mr. “Big Dick” Darcy

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Hulu This Month

Hulu periodically renews or cancels shows or movies based on a viewer preference algorithm. Here now are all the shows that will be added to Hulu this month:

• BASED

• Drag Queen Top Chefs

• The Masked Electrician

• Dine & Dash! The Mobile Talk Show

• Billy On The Street Struggles With Crippling Depression

• Make These Dishes Disappear

• Doll Collectors: The Most Terrifying People On Earth

• CSI Accounts Receivable

Here are the shows and movies that Hulu will be removing from their lineup this month:

• Behind The Scenes of that 1-877-Kars4Kids Commercial

• Unskilled Christian Puppeteers

• Dubious JFK Conspiracies That Needed Air Time

• The Married Bachelor

• POWERPOINT!

• Star Wars: The Book of Bubba Sparxx

UAG

A Vegan Peeve

I'm sure it's for legal reasons, but I hate it when vegetarian/vegan companies purposely misspell their products as a WINK that they're not really what they're pretending to be. They use descriptors like Turk'y, Chick'n or Saus'age, trying SO hard to sound tasty, but ultimately making me gag, thinking of it all tasting like soy ass.

Welcome To The Pathmark / We've Got Fun and Games...

Burning Questions About Bootaa's 29" Velcro Dartboard Packaging

I was looking at the packaging for this velcro dartboard when I noticed this inset:

BAHAHAHAHAH What the shit is going on here?

• Why is it hanging outside on a tree?

• Why put it outside if the darts are safe velcro balls?

• Why is a 4 year old girl alone outside?

• Is the 4 year old being punished?

• Or does mommy and daddy just need some alone time upstairs?

• Why put so much effort into styling and curling her hair if you're just going to slap a hoodie on her?

• What kind of crap shot is that girl if she almost misses the target from 2 feet away?

• Is this Katniss Everdeen's origin story? (Okay, old reference. Sorry)