The ProofrEADJer: End of February Edition

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"Sorry. AAA can't go to you in that area."

"Hey, Used Tampon, why the long face?"

"I guess that opens up the seating arrangement at the reception." 

"I hope we enjoy this magical adventure we've shared once we stop tripping balls."

"I, Claude Monet, do solemnly swear to paint the shit out of some waterlilies."

"Gee, since I'll never get over her and you'll never get over him, what do you say we just hang out and masturbate each other?"

"Then later in the 90s, videogames proved to be no match for the written word."

[Quickly dated pop culture reference that only parents will get]

"As a seafood enthusiast, I gotta say I'm majorly psyched about this! (puts on lobster bib)

(translated from the German) "Oh no! What crazy comedic situation have you forced me into without my knowledge! Oh noooooo!"

"Wassup, bitches. Yo, seeing how this is a feature film and not that shit on TV, I can say whatever the fuck I want now. Fuck all y'all. Bring on the hoes!"

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Every so often, Netflix renews or cancels shows or movies based on viewer preferences. Here now are all the shows that will be added to Netflix this month:

• Duck Duck Murder

• SAMESIES! A Documentary About Conformity

• Behind the Scenes of A Stand-Up Comedian's Absolutely Terrible and Disastrous Routine

• The Fake Househusbands of Who Gives A Shit Really

• The Victoria Secret All-Inclusive Fashion Show 2022

• Cuyahoga Valley National Park

Here are the shows and movies that Netflix is removing from their lineup this month:

• Lulu Lemon & the Uncomfortable Leggings

• Hercules & the Trial of the Full Fitted Sheet On A King-Sized Bed

• An Impressive List of People That Vladimir Putin Hasn't Killed

• Gospel Nuggets

• NCIS: NKOTB

UAG

InfoWars Misinformation Pre-Voo

Alex Jones and InfoWars lie. Lie big and long. Writers of InfoWars write many lies. Here are new lies:

• J-Lo invent TMZ in 2005 instead of buy mirror

• My name actually not John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt

• If you pronounce words 'Chipotle', 'barbacoa', and 'tomatillos' correctly when ordering at Chipotle, they throw surprise party and give you giant check

• Rand Paul's hair made of Reagan's pubes

• Marjorie Taylor Greene actually Mensa-level genius. She just trolling us because she bored with knowing everything, just like Dr. Manhattan in "Watchmen".

• NFTs are just MLMs with a little TLC

•  Me hate you

The Wages of Sin is Pathmark

Top Things To Say While You're In One of Those Soundproof Office Privacy Pods

"You exploitive, capitalistic fuckers can eat my shit."

"I'm sending you via WeTransfer all of the confidential financial records of this company along with the bank account numbers of each of its employees and a copy of compromising videos of the CEO, CFO and board of trustees."

"You should see my office, Mom. It's a corner office with a great view."

"Fuck you, Kathy. You think you're better than me because you're tight with the office manager, Kathy? FUCK YOU."

"No, this is a great time to do the Zoom job interview. What's up?"

Spotted on YouTube

Be careful about not hitting "Skip ad" in some pre-roll. I was listening to some music on YouTube while working on another laptop and found myself listening to a LONG rambling advertisement about vitamins or some shit.

It turns out the preroll was 48 fucking minutes long, and if I didn't hit "Skip ad", I'd be subject to a fully produced infomercial about the benefits of supplements and "natural" vitamins that will  “detoxify,” “purify,” “revitalize,” or “energize” your body; “balance” its chemistry or “electromagnetic energy”; bring it in harmony with nature; “stimulate” or “strengthen” your immune system; “support” or “rejuvenate” various organs in your body; “unlock your body’s healing ability”; or stimulate your body’s power to heal itself.

Bye bye, bullshit!

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Special Valentine's Week Entry

Twitter sucks. Bunch of under-informed attention whores spouting worthless bullshit and other people commenting their bullshit on it. And with Valentine's Day here, all this bullshit gets cranked to 10.

But the twittersphere doesn't use some hashtags. Here are a few of the least popular ones this week:

#gloryholeromance

#celibacymakesmecum

#Ishavedmyrectumforthis

#savingmyselfforMorrissey

#ImsinglebychoiceImseriousDon'tlaugh

#IactuallyhaveasignificantotherbutIloveyourpity 

UAG

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To HBO Max This Month

Periodically, HBO Max renews or cancels shows or movies based on a proprietary algorithm. Here are all the shows that will be added to HBO Max this month:

• Kangaroo Jack II: Kill 'Em All

• A Documentary About Podcasters Talking About Podcasters Talking About Podcasters

• Juggalo Gigolos

• R. Kelly Rappin' With Kids

• Honey Boo Boo Gets A Job

Here are the shows and movies that HBO Max is removing from their lineup this month:

• We Built Geocities In Real Life

• Napkin Folding

• Pretty Little Lying Shitstains

• Hufflefuck (NSFW)

• America's Got Scabies

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

New Funding Projects Now on Kickstarter

Every business needs capital to get started. And Kickstarter has announced the latest new ventures looking for funding from you. Feel free to contribute to help these business ideas get off the ground:

• Thongs made entirely from seashells

• Jeans that are so skinny they go inside your legs

• Sodium-free spice for steaks that is definitely not repackaged Mrs. Dash

• Special gender reveal party balloons that incinerate everyone in a 30 ft. radius

• Instruction book "How To Seduce Your Office's H.R. Manager"

• Unique camera zoom lenses that also double as thermoses when it's cold

• Temporary tattoos that say FOREVER

Some Upcoming Conspiracy Theories On InfoWars

The scribes at InfoWars continue to crank out an endless stream of half-baked, unconfirmed, and plain batshit crazy conspiracy stories for Alex Jones to belch out on the air. Here are some stories that will hit the airwaves soon:

• The cheese in crackers in cheese snack packs is expended plutonium from past nuclear tests

• Miss Cleo predicted the housing bubble of 2008

• Tiddlywinks is of the Devil

• Your mother and I have an announcement to make

• Democrats are trying to use "votes" in "elections" to gain positions in government

• Creamed spinach is neither in the produce aisle NOR the dairy section. WHAT THE FUCK

• Amber says she likes you

• So-called green initiatives are actually secret recruitment methods by eco-terrorists to indoctrinate young people into suicide bombing corporations using explosive pine cones

• There are no Belgian embassies in Belgium

• CNN is operated almost entirely remotely by zebra centaurs on Neptune

A Retail Display

Question: How can you tell if it's working if you're riding around in a convertible?

UAG

Dog Park Missed Connections

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: the dashing Dobermann with the curvy tail

Me: the Shiba Inn sniffing all the owners

Hey, handsome! Not much to say except NICE BALLS! I bet they smell great. Call me!

You: the Cane Corso, whatever that is

Me: the energetic Border Collie with the sparkly collar that says PIZAZZ

Yoooooooooo. Let's hang out. I need friends! Hey, where you going?

You: the Cocker Spaniel mix

Me: the German Shepherdish mix

Nice to meet you, cocker! I didn't catch your name because there was so much noise. I live in the neighborhood that smells like dead fish. Drop by sometime! 

💖💖💖💖

More Things That Are Objectively Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Pop superstar Ariana Grande continues to project the image of being the cutest thing in the universe. With respect, we at EADJ have found a few more things that are proven to be cuter than her:

• panda paws

• baby doll cowboy boots

• plush starfish

• crocodiles wearing glasses

• fingernail-sized frogs (however poisonous)

• velour mittens

• the fact that Ziggy doesn't have a neck

• Dustin Hoffman giggling

• Ed Sheeran attempting to grow facial hair

• when kids sing along to "Smack My Bitch Up"

Half Of Your Beauty Comes From The Way You Pathmark