The Answers To Yesterday's "Which Can, Erickson?"

Did you get them all right? Who cares?

How To Tell Apart The Different Gangs In Massachusetts

If there's one thing Massachusetts is known for, it's the roving, lawless gang activity. Here is a helpful guide for you to navigate the different violent MA turfs:

1) Greater Boston
gang color:  blue
These inner city thugs will shoot at you from a *pahked cah.*

2) North of Boston
gang color: yellow
Ways they will fuck you up: report you to their homeowner's association

3) Saints of Greater Merrimack Valley
gang color: spring yellow
Main hustle: scalping Red Sox tickets, printing rummage sale flyers

4) Bristol County "The BC"
gang color: forest green
Fave drank: pumpkin spice lattes

5) Plymouth County Brotherhood
gang color: Caucasian green
Gang sign: signal for "we're ready for our check, waiter"

6) Cape Cod Crips
gang color: Pantone 629 (Coated)
Illegal activities: saving a table at a buffet when the sign clearly states to get food first

7) Martha's Muthafuckin Vineyard
gang color: aqua
Weapon of choice: wine corkscrew rabbit

8) Nantucket Islanders
gang color: navy blue
Fun fact: Nantucket is a town, a county, and an island. YOU DO NOT FUCK WITH THAT.

9) "The MW Rough Riders" - MetroWest
gang color: lavender
Most frequent crime: sneaking a free refill at Blimpies

10) Johnny Appleseed's Apostles
gang color: light pink
Gang initiation rite: plant a series of apples along a country road; kill a guy

11) "Centurions" from Central Mass
gang color: barney purple
Favorite hang out: any brick oven pizza place in the area

12) Kings of Greater Springfield
gang color: puce
Popular firearm: Wellspring Grocery pricing gun

13) Hampshire County Bastards
gang color: khaki
Main hustle: getting you to validate their parking even if they didn't buy anything from your store

14) Franklin County Homeboys
gang color: a mix of lavender, puce, barney purple and pink
Number of members: same enrollment number as the Kiwanis Club

15) Berky-Berk Berkshires
gang color: coppertone
Common criminal activity: using expired Groupons

16) Mohawk Trail Mohawks (not to be confused with the Mohawk Native Americans, because that would be racist)
gang color: perforated line
Last known location: wilderness check cashing joint in Clarksburg

From Out of Left Field

Spotted at an LAX Admirals Club while traveling with Barry:


Tommy Lasorda Fine Italian Wines

"...Tommy Lasorda is preserving his legacy by fulfilling dreams away from the crowded stadiums of Major League Baseball... his passion for America's game gives way to his passion for Italian wines."

Say what? How is that preserving your legacy– by slapping your name on something completely unrelated to what made you famous? That's like Hillary Duff Financial Services or Madeleine Albright-brand chewing tobacco. "Carrie Ann Inaba's passion for judging dancers on 'Dancing With The Stars' gives way to her passion for Mycorrhizal Technology in Agriculture...." Oh, he's Italian, so he can sell Italian wine? Okay.

(Jeez, I didn't mean for this to turn into the Celebrity Wine Blog)

You'll notice on the wine descriptions below, no mention of Tommy Lasorda or any connection to his Italian heritage and the Veneta Abruzzo region of Italy. You could have slapped Yogi Berra or Joe DiMaggio's name on the label. They're Italian, see?


Tommy Lasorda Wines: They're Lasorda Classy and Lasorda Relevant!

Joel Takes a Stand on His Knees.

With celebrities like Rachael Ray and Tommy Lasorda pitching everything from duffel bags to blue cheese douches, Joel realized it was time for him parlay his notoriety to endorse some products he believes in.

Among these:

The Velour Loincloth by Dazzel®. Sparkly and sheer, even in the darkest of nightclubs. It lifts for easy access to dick, with handy velcro corners to keep the flap up while your going down. $44.99 at Structure.

The Stadium Buddy, Senior Golden Years Edition. Just like the common Stadium Buddy, but leakier and easier to use while always flaccid. Also reeks of "Grandma's Attic." $29.99

Dick Plus™. All the taste and texture of regular dick, but with added vitamins and minerals. $22.99 for a six pack at GNC.

Pelican Wings. Tasty barbecued wings of actual pelicans? Why? Fuck it! Available at Wing City and Domino's Pizzas. $4.99 with purchase of a medium pizza. Offer good through Sept 30. No subsitutions.

(pictured above, not every school in Connecticut is Yale)