Thursday, February 28, 2013

An Imagined Conversation

"Welcome, Mr. Foxx. We're really excited that you've agreed to be a part of this week's episode."
*nods head*
"By the way, I'm Amanda, the stage producer. This is your green room. Feel free to take off your coat and freshen up, and uh, just relax until we start shooting at 11."
*nods head, examines craft service table*
"Uh, you can, uh, hang your coat over there. Mink. Nice. And when you have a minute, your wardrobe is off to the side here- a pair of jeans and a simple golf shirt. I know you're not used to wearing something so plain, but people don't often wear shiny silver suits on Sesame Street."
*eats a peanut*
"Ahem. Yes. So, Barbara in makeup will be up in about thirty minutes. And Candace will help you with any wardrobe questions or fittings that you might need adjusted."
*nods absently*
"Are you going to eventually take off those sunglasses, Mr. Foxx?"
*ignores her, eats a peanut*
"O-kay... I'll be outside if you need me."
(muttered) "Asshole."

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

And now, this month's worst and/or least explained hip hop mix tape covers:

Nice job, Bigga Rankin and DJ Frank White. By "subverting" the imagery of white power and Nazism, you've inadvertently made it look like you're standing in a garage with the motor on, trying to reach the garage door opener.

Chris Brown: album cover designer.

Not sure if those jet-powered missiles are from the 1940's. I'm actually surprised no one added any "hip hop" elements like a Kangol hat or bottle of Dirty Sprite in Kong's hand. Missed opportunities.

Yeah, that's what I want to do with a Mercedes. Park it across three parking spaces in front of a Citgo like an asshole. Also, it's night time, assholes. Lose the shades.

When someone comes up from behind you and smashes a gigantic light bulb over your face, just keep your cool and tell them that compact fluorescent bulbs save a lot more energy. Take the high road.

No change needed.

Kendrick Lamar demonstrates the danger of having too much gold in your grill: you end up vomiting the molten precious metal all over your new keffiyah scarf.

Vast Aire spared no expense for his album cover. He got the "best of the best"airbrush t-shirt artist to render his likeness on a vintage photo of 1960's New York City.

When Joe Budden runs out of deli flyers to pass out on the sidewalk, he just "hangs tough" and does the rosary in the middle of the street.

An awful cover based on an even more awful movie directed by M. Night Shyamalan. It's like Big Kurt is daring us to even listen to it. Nope!

Joker Too Cold breaks and enters an antique dealer's apartment and attempts to rob the tenant of four floral hat boxes and a medicine bag full of expired liniments.

See, Tony Mars is just like Don Draper, except he's unkempt, is tatted out and is not so drunk that he vomits in his wife's new oven. U Mad Man?

I'm going to just assume that Barack Obama really did tweet about #TrapStarzMusic in between fighting sequester budget cuts and overhauling the immigration system.

I honestly don't know where to start here. Is this really a hip hop album or one of those prop CD covers they use on sitcom bookshelves? Jesus.

Friday, February 22, 2013

An IM Convo

I got this IM from Tom Weingard (note the shitty AT&T reception in fucking Manhattan):


Here's the link he sent.

I didn't get around to telling Tom that the Scott Peterson we do a bit about isn't the murdering Scott Peterson.

So for getting the wrong Peterson wrong twice removed– through no fault of his own because he's never met the non-short, non-fat (?), non-murderer Scott Peterson from Chicago– I think Tom should win some sort of award or something. Like the inverse of a Golden Mollusk Award.

So at the bottom of this page, we have bestowed upon him the first Kevlar Portuguese Man Of War Award, which at pawn shops can command an impressive $15. Congrats, Tom!

Thursday, February 21, 2013

A List Of Subjects That "Club Bangers" Mention In Their Lyrics In Order Of Descending Frequency


• Having a good time
• Forgetting about your troubles
• "The club"
• Putting one's hands up
• The dance floor (getting on/evacuating)
• Shaking one's posterior
• The weekend/the fact that it's Friday
• Being inebriated
• Thanking the DJ
• Apathy about tomorrow/the future
• Turning things out
• Bottles
• One's cell phone
• Girls/models at aforementioned club
• Partying all night
• Whether or not the place is "jumping"
• Cheating on your significant other
• Pitbull
• The large amount of money that one has
• The Lost Colony of Roanoke and how 115 settlers disappeared from Roanoke Island in present day North Carolina in 1590, leaving the only clue- the word "CROATOAN" carved on a nearby tree.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

The Lonnie Quinn Shirt Sleeve Index, Revisited

During Hurricane Superstorm Sandy, we introduced you to the phenomenon of "The Lonnie Quinn Shirt Sleeve Index," an unorthodox but reliable measure of the seriousness of a weather forecast based on the condition of CBS New York Channel 2's meterologist Lonnie Quinn's shirt sleeves.

Since that November storm, there have been the occasional thunderstorm and bouts of heavy precipitation. But Lonnie had not adjusted his sleeves until February 8, when several feet of snow were predicted to fall. Here now is a breakdown of that night's coverage:

Monday, February 18, 2013

Holy Lord, Target

The following mis-shelved (and disheveled) items were spotted last night in a Target over a course of 30 minutes:

Friday, February 15, 2013

Stick Your Fist In The Fashion Hole

And now, that segment where we rag on strangers for wearing clothes that are different that what we would wear. Because we are such fashion plates.

Josie sports this winter's most dangerous ensemble- a bright vertical green outfit near Christmas trees for sale. Way to tempt the nearsighted, Josie!

Roderick's all-tan outfit tells the world, "Hey, I know beige should be used sparingly, but I embrace it from my shoulders to my crotch, and that's okay with me... hell, I think I look sexy... where are you going?"

Carissa puts on just enough clothes to not get arrested for showing her tits while walking by Pottery Barn Kids.

Sometimes Moms are so absorbed with looking out for the welfare of their children and all of their needs that they mistakenly wear their bra on the outside. At least Lupe does.

Badger boots. And a mountain lion's hide for a coat. This is perfect for wooing the bad guy in "Beauty And The Beast."

Money is filthy and full of germs, so Carl here wisely wears a rubber glove to keep his right hand clean. Why didn't he protect his left hand? Because that's the hand he wipes with, genius. Duh.