Wednesday, April 29, 2015

How To Tell Apart The Different Gangs In Massachusetts

If there's one thing Massachusetts is known for, it's the roving, lawless gang activity. Here is a helpful guide for you to navigate the different violent MA turfs:

1) Greater Boston
gang color:  blue
These inner city thugs will shoot at you from a *pahked cah.*

2) North of Boston
gang color: yellow
Ways they will fuck you up: report you to their homeowner's association

3) Saints of Greater Merrimack Valley
gang color: spring yellow
Main hustle: scalping Red Sox tickets, printing rummage sale flyers

4) Bristol County "The BC"
gang color: forest green
Fave drank: pumpkin spice lattes

5) Plymouth County Brotherhood
gang color: Caucasian green
Gang sign: signal for "we're ready for our check, waiter"

6) Cape Cod Crips
gang color: Pantone 629 (Coated)
Illegal activities: saving a table at a buffet when the sign clearly states to get food first

7) Martha's Muthafuckin Vineyard
gang color: aqua
Weapon of choice: wine corkscrew rabbit

8) Nantucket Islanders
gang color: navy blue
Fun fact: Nantucket is a town, a county, and an island. YOU DO NOT FUCK WITH THAT.

9) "The MW Rough Riders" - MetroWest
gang color: lavender
Most frequent crime: sneaking a free refill at Blimpies

10) Johnny Appleseed's Apostles
gang color: light pink
Gang initiation rite: plant a series of apples along a country road; kill a guy

11) "Centurions" from Central Mass
gang color: barney purple
Favorite hang out: any brick oven pizza place in the area

12) Kings of Greater Springfield
gang color: puce
Popular firearm: Wellspring Grocery pricing gun

13) Hampshire County Bastards
gang color: khaki
Main hustle: getting you to validate their parking even if they didn't buy anything from your store

14) Franklin County Homeboys
gang color: a mix of lavender, puce, barney purple and pink
Number of members: same enrollment number as the Kiwanis Club

15) Berky-Berk Berkshires
gang color: coppertone
Common criminal activity: using expired Groupons

16) Mohawk Trail Mohawks (not to be confused with the Mohawk Native Americans, because that would be racist)
gang color: perforated line
Last known location: wilderness check cashing joint in Clarksburg

Friday, April 24, 2015

Six Lies Told By The Monticello Motor Track Brochure

This was found at the Mall at Short Hills, New Jersey. It's a very high end shopping center where Jamaican nannies push white babies around in strollers to pick up their Janie & Jack dining jackets. This pamphlet invites the wealthy to come drive their million dollar Lamborghinis at their professional-race-level courses.

1) A lifetime only if you have a fatal crash.

2) An exaggeration. Most sports cars are actually not that thrilled to be on the track.

3) This part of the track is actually Old Man Miller's driveway. You really shouldn't be driving on it unless you want Miller to chase you with a shovel.

4) "22 unique turns?"

Left. Right. Straight. Slight left. Slight right.
Those five pretty much cover every turn on this course.

5) The "Radical SR1 Experience" apparently involves driving a racer under a closing garage door.

6) Wearing a crash helmet is just as important to one's safety as NOT WEARING A LANYARD FROM YOUR NECK WHILE RACING.


Six Lies Told is proud to announce The Kings of Six Lies Comedy Tour, starring Edgar Collins, Jackey Mackey, T Dub Soft, and the incomparable Mika Hargrove. These four up and coming urban comedians give it to you straight about the 6 lies that are out there, each recounting them in their own unique style of comedy. Tickets are $1.99 online, $2.99 at the door.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

An Imagined Conversation

"Hello, Infiniti Group International."
"Hi, I think I just killed someone."
"Excuse me?"
"I... I think I just hit a biker in Midtown with my Pathfinder. I think he might be dead."
"Wait, this is not 911. This is the assistance line for Infiniti Group. We sell clocks."
"Yes, clocks. Do you have a clock problem?"
"Sort of. I think I killed a guy. I didn't mean – he just came out of a side road and I couldn't swerve in time. Can I turn time back before I did it?"
"Very funny. Please get off the phone."
"No, seriously. I need your help. It says 'Please call for assistance,' and that's what I'm doing."
"Was there an Infiniti brand clock on the scene of the accident?"
"Yes. That's where I found this sticker."
"Okay. Just give me your social security number and location, and I'll send our Temporal Task Force Police to revise your recent history."
"Oh, thank you!"

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

6 Lies Told By The Chuck E. Cheese Birthday Party Pamphlet

1) "Your birthday boy or girl can choose between a 'Superhero' or a 'Princess' theme package." There is actually a third, less popular option: "College Grad Moving Back Home."

2) If you choose the Batman superhero theme, Chuck E. Cheese will gladly murder your parents in the nearby alley.

3) Goody Bags are sometimes Averagey Bags, based on market

4) LOL

5) Punching out your birthday candles is not as effective as blowing them out but is doubly hilarious.

6) For an extra $50 off the books, most of the male managers will show fathers their tits.


EADJ is proud to announce the grand opening of 6 Lies Youth Centers all around the metropolitan area!

These "6LYC" centers are designed to provide a 24-hour relaxed, authority-free space for kids to smoke, to talk, and to smoke. Please keep in mind, there is no security guard on the premises after 2am, so if you want to show up and start some shit, you'll want to do it around 2:30am.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

The Off-Brand TP Round-Up, 2015 Edition

I'm thinking I should do these segments once a year, because even though it's rare that I come across an uncatalogued roll of generic toilet paper, it does happen from time to time. Here are the latest butt offerings:

Brand: EcoSoft

Brand Imagery: Use of the words "Eco" and "Soft" 

Brand Promise: The best of both worlds: be eco-friendly but still not chafe your bunghole!

Feels Like: Someone dragging a rake through your compost pile

Brand: Heavenly Soft Bathroom Tissue

Brand Imagery: Another use of the word "Soft." Friendly, approachable fonts

Brand Promise: Wiping will feel like your ass died and entered the Pearly Gates

Feels Like: Your ass died and went to Purgatory for abusing its wife

Brand: Pro Link

Brand Imagery: Comforting image of a metal chain

Brand Promise: "Drop anchor and we'll take care of whatever you pinch off."

Feels Like: This

Editor's note: This is my favorite.)

Brand: First Mark

Brand Imagery: A generous smear across a white wall


Feels Like: Validation

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

EADJ Fashion Round-Up

One reason Kendra never lets bad weather rain on her parade is this stylish patchwork leather purse from Cavallo & Co. ($299)

Donovan sports the latest jaunty spring chapeau ($59.99), perfect for hiding your eyes as you read subway advertisements about herpes clinics.

Men in full length furs have never not been in style, have they? Craig says 'fuck you' to animal activists with this lush sable and neutra shopping coat ($1699.99).

Even men in long jacket faux furs know what time it is. Q Genteel B shows how this polyester faux fur hoodie ($69.99) can complement baggy sweatpants ($12.99).

Hanging suspenders announces to the world "Hey, I've gained weight!" Bruce sashays through Wall Street with this defiantly fat ensemble ($68.99)

Albert's uni-color shirt-and-pants combo from Men's Wearhouse ($105.99) is ideal for falling asleep and having erotic dreams about Gina Gershon. Give it to 'er, Albert!

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Introducing EADJ Premium!

After 8 years of blogging, Eat A Dick Joel is proud to announce EADJ Premium, a pay-for-content subscription service that gives you more of what you don't want at prices beyond your means!

Upgrade to EADJ Premium now, and for only $24.99 a month, you'll receive exclusive digital-only content like Racist Appliances That Weren't Really That Racist and Tianna: Where Is She Now? And upgrade even more to our EADJ Platinum Premium for an exclusive video tour of every single toilet we shat in for our "Which Can, Erickson?" segments.

Only EADJ Premium gives you exclusive, on demand, close captioned content that streams directly to your smart device from the cloud. Did that sentence make any sense? Fuck you.

So start your subscription to EADJ Premium today, and we'll throw in a permanent contributor status to our sister blog, High Maintenance Imaginary Girlfriend, which was last updated July 2009!

Friday, April 10, 2015

How QuiBids Works

Hey, want to get into the exciting world of huge discounts and unbelievably chipper spokesmodels? Then join QuiBids today! QuiBids is the latest, most incredible way to get smartphones, tablets and high-def TVs at deep, deep discounts. Here's how it works:

1) Sign up as a member and give us your credit card number

2) Click "yes" to pay a monthly $68 membership fee

3) Go online and bid for an iPad for $28.32

4) Get outbid and re-bid for $300

5) Still get outbid and give up

6) Get persistent emails telling you to bid again even though you've given up

7) Try bidding again and don't hold your breath

8) Realize you're paying $68 to get outbid when you could do that for free on eBay

9) Go on eBay

10) Bid on an iPad for $28.32

11) Get laughed at all the way back onto QuiBids

12) Realize you're hungry and go make a cheese sandwich

13) Find out you're low on bread, so you make a cheese sandwich with one piece of bread and a cinnamon bun

13.5)  The snitch is a ball attached to the waistband of the snitch runner, a neutral athlete in a yellow uniform who uses any means to avoid capture. The snitch is worth 30 points and its capture ends the game. (Sorry, that was how Quidditch works)

14) Check your QuiBids Rewards Points balance: 0 pts

15) Try bidding on an iPad again for $31.55

16) Scratch your balls (men only)

17) Forget your QuiBids password; ask to have it reset

18) Get your new password, which is the same as your old password. Whatever

19) Log back onto QuiBids

20) Wonder where your $816 went in one year's membership

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Here Are Your Job Numbers

Billing on the 28th floor just sent a memo over. Please use these job numbers when filling out your timesheets for this week and next week:

475822 - Sensitivity Training For Executives

829910 - Explaining Why The Asian Character From "2 Broke Girls" Isn't Racist

901335 - Doing Timesheets

272453 - Confidential Fart Technology Seminar

496201 - Kicking Ass

043298 - Taking Names

942322 - Photoshopping Your Mother's Face Onto Things

607092 - Reducing The Creme In a Double Stuf Oreo So It's A Normal One

837602 - Memorizing The "Thriller" Dance

110092 - Talking Through A Burp

882913 - Getting 'Faced

871374 - Getting Pantsed

917111 - Defending Staind / Puddle Of Mudd

804244 - Masturbating To HGTV