Thursday, March 31, 2016

Pathmark and The Myth of Sisyphus

In Greek mythology Sisyphus was the king of Ephyra. He was punished for his self-aggrandizing craftiness and deceitfulness by being forced to roll an immense boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll back down, repeating this action for eternity. Kind of like the job of stockboy at any Pathmark store.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

The Adult Adventures of Caillou

If you have kids, chances you've watched the awful cartoon "Caillou," which features possibly the whiniest bitch of a fictional toddler you've ever seen. This week Netflix announced an updated reboot of the maligned Caillou franchise, featuring the main character as an adult working in the big city. Here now are some episode plot outlines:

• Caillou feels bad because although he was given a verbal invitation to someone's birthday party in the break room, he didn't also get an email invite.

• Caillou gets the janitor fired because he didn't feel like he said "hello" to him that one time and made him feel bad.

• Caillou shows up late for work and has to park farther away from the main entrance. He writes down all the other cars' license plates to confront them later about forcing him to walk so far.

• Caillou imagines an attractive co-worker making sexual advances to him, but feels bad when she does nothing of the sort. He starts planning to get her transferred or fired for making him feel bad.

• Caillou gets fired, feels bad about getting fired, then sues the company for emotional distress. He loses the case and spends his entire life savings and 401(k) on lawyer's fees. Shit sucks now, don't it, Caillou?

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of March 27

Since nobody else on Twitter is using these shitty hashtags, you can be unique and use them yourself and finally stand out, you pathetic Twitter user. Man, your parents are so disappointed in you.


Monday, March 28, 2016

The EADJ Fashion Roundup: The Ladies' Spring Collection

"Yeah, I'm in front of the Flatiron Building. I'm wearing Mom jeans with a metal pole up my ass– you can't miss me."

"Make good choices today so you don't have regrets tomorrow." - some shitty Facebook quote meme

Eva managed to take her kids to the arcade after finishing her shift at Spicy Latina Airlines.

Spotted at the public library. It took everything I had not to squeeze the red bulb to see if her head honked like a horn.

Friday, March 25, 2016

What The Shit

I got this random text from a Peter. And I kind of want to see the print options now.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

What The Susan G. Komen Foundation Has Really Been Spending All That Money On

The Susan G. Komen Foundation For The Cure has come under fire for donating only 21% of their funds to actual breast cancer research. So where does the other 79% go? EADJ made up some statistics looked into it:

• 13%: Pink lightbulbs for the bathrooms

• 8%: Inflatable sumo suits for mid-day deathmatches


• 29%: Scratch off tickets

• 4%: Mall chair massages

• 16%: Corporate account for Five Guys

• 3%: Trip to a titty bar (ironic!)

• 39%: Hiring someone to double check if all this totals 100%

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Find the Slope of a Line from Two Points

To find the slope, we will need two points from the line.Pick two x's and solve for each corresponding y: If, say, x = 3, then y = ( 2/3 )(3) – 4 = 2 – 4 = –2. If, say, x = 9, then y = ( 2/3 )(9) – 4 = 6 – 4 = 2. (By the way, I picked the x-values to be multiples of three because of the fraction. It's not a rule that you have to do that, but it's a helpful technique.) So the two points (3, –2) and (9, 2) are on the line y = ( 2/3 )x – 4.To find the slope, you use the following formula:
    slope formula: m = [y1 - y2] / [x1 - x2]
The subscripts merely indicate that you have a "first" point (whose coordinates are subscripted with a "1") and a "second" point (whose coordinates are subscripted with a "2"); that is, the subscripts indicate nothing more than the fact that you have two points to work with. It is entirely up to you which point you label as "first" and which you label as "second". For computing slopes with the slope formula, the important thing is that you subtract the x's and y's in the same order. For our two points, if we choose (3, –2) to be the "first" point, then we get the following:

    slope calculation: m = 2/3

The first y-value above, the –2, was taken from the point (3, –2) ; the second y-value, the 2, came from the point (9, 2); the x-values 3 and 9 were taken from the two points in the same order. If we had taken the coordinates from the points in the opposite order, the result would have been exactly the same value:

    slope calculation: m = 2/3
As you can see, the order in which you list the points really doesn't matter, as long as you subtract the x-values in the same order as you subtracted the y-values. Because of this, the slope formula can be written as it is above, or alternatively it can be written as:

slope: another version of the formula 

Let me emphasize: it does not matter which of the two formulas you use or which point you pick to be "first" and which you pick to be "second". The only thing that matters is that you subtract your x-values in the same order as you had subtracted your y-values.

And speaking of values, I have driven my town car for the rudest, most reprehensible 14 year olds I have ever met. And guess what. Yes, their parents were wealthy. Don't spoil your kids with too much money, folks.

Monday, March 21, 2016

A Minor News Hiccup

The other night on CBS 2 News, Kristine Johnson was reading some fluff piece while the video was playing onscreen and started having a coughing fit. The camera cut back to the news desk, and our girl Kristine was downing some filtered vodka water.

She quickly recovered, apologized and finished the segment. With absolutely no help from Maurice Dubois (it means "of wood"), thank you very much.

And since we're on the subject, here are some photos of women that kind of look like Kristine Johnson:

Thursday, March 17, 2016

This Week in Hip Hop Awfulness

Corona. Find Your Beach.

Your Arms Are Too Short To Box With Godzilla... Never Mind.

Dice Soho never got to adjust the thermostat to his liking.

I would honestly rather listen to these guys talk about their plan for the country.

Star Wars Episode I: A Rectangle Makes a Round Crater

Star Wars Episode II: Now Kylo Ren Is Even More Confused Than Before

Star Wars Episode III: The Death Star Gets Scanned At The Supermarket

A Dreamcast logo? Yes, this is enough for me to be interested in the mixtape.

The Love Is... comic strip gets cynical.

This cover will make 11th graders giggle and 50 year old men sigh.

Despite all his dollar bills, Trill Sammy couldn't find a single quarter to ride the miniature Ferrari.

"Hey man, you like weed? I smoke weed. I love it. I smoke a bong, a joint, a one-hitter, whatever. I'm like totally baked all the time, because it's cool and illegal and all... What? The city has just legalized marijuana for recreational use? Fuck."