Thursday, January 31, 2013

I Can't Believe There's Another Off-Brand TP Roundup

Just when we thought we'd seen every last generic brand of toilet paper, we go take a poop somewhere public and are confronted with yet another EADJ bit (or bits, since the paper is so fragile).

Brand: Green Heritage
Label: Wavy green leaves, separated by undulating white lines.
Feels Like: Wiping with somebody's old family tree chart.

Brand: Keep It Green
Label: What looks like a piece of sod, decorated with a butterfly and a FOOTBALL?!
Feels Like: Getting blitzed by linebackers in your ain-hole.

Brand: Slurp Ass Surpass
Label: Brown tobacco leaves or brown coffee beans, plus a disturbing asterix near the name (is that a drawing of an asshole?)
Feels Like: Falling off the back seat of a motorcycle in short shorts and landing on the back tire at 80mph.

Brand: Soft Touch
Label: Plain lettering over a Tiffany blue background
Feels Like: Somebody lied.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Twitter's Least Used Hash Tags, Week of January 28

Here are this week's most underused Twitter hash tags. Feel free to throw any of these onto the end your Tweets:


Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The Latest In Hip Hop Awfulness

Here now are the wackest or most confusing mixtape or album covers in hip hop. 

Is that a tractor beam? Or are they underwater? It looks like the Thunder From Down Under gained superpowers during one of their strip shows.

Let's reinforce the stereotype that a black President only would drink Cristal, smoke blunts, and stock up on white plastic assault weapons.

Jackie Chain presents Bruce Lean. Starring Jet Leek, Michelle Yo Yo Yo, Sammo Hungdown, and Jean Claude Van Dayyummm.

Hey Juicy J, if you have that much shiny exploding tits and ass on your album cover, are you really going to offend anybody by including the full word "bitch?"

Young Jeezy and his entourage are confused by the holographic airport map and are left wondering where the Cinnabon is.

Hi! Welcome to Compton! May I remind you to wear your seatbelt, as that is the local traffic law in this fine burg? Happy travels, fair tourist!

Terrible name for an album. But points for using the coloring section of a children's activity page for your artwork.


You can photoshop Nicki Minaj doing virtually anything and her reputation won't suffer a whit.

To be honest, "Panty Droppers Vol. 9" felt pretty incomplete, after Panty Droppers 1-8 fulfilled so many listeners' panty dropping needs. Here now Sam Hoody and DJ X Factor make it right by releasing addendum 9.5 so those panties can drop to their fullest.

 Gucci Mane and his friends devour the Times Square New Year's Ball and fart out an impressive array of pyrotechnics.

Wearing a t-shirt with melted nacho cheese is very, very, very gangsta. Because nothing that is seriously 'street' has ever been practical.

Two OBVIOUSLY RICH fellows forget who goes first in chess– the brown or the black? Meanwhile, one of the panty dropped women from 9.5 just tripped trying to find the chess rulebook.

Monday, January 28, 2013

What The "Plus" Means In Many Store Names

Team Trailers Plus
"Plus"  = Truck Nutz and/or Yosemite Sam "Back Off" mudflaps

K&S Curtains Plus
"Plus"  = old lady smell, even though everything in the store is factory-new

United Mileage Plus
"Plus"  = automatic upgrade to any seat TWO rows away from the bathroom rather than ONE

Ville's Clothing Plus
"Plus"  = lint

Juice Bar Plus
"Plus"  = diarrhea that smells vaguely of mango and coconut

Lamps Plus
"Plus"  = more lamps

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Fluorescent Soccer Ball Felt Alone.

Fluorescent Soccer Ball Felt Alone.

Console Buttons could care less.

Handbag ignored it and listened to some jazz.

IKEA plastic part was horrified.

Dual Phone Jack felt bad about himself.

Door Lock was ambivalent.

Black Takeout Box silently cried to himself.

Three Sunflowers couldn't fucking believe it.

Two Construction Pylons tried to stay out of it and slept on the corner.

License Plate Holder made fun of the whole deal.

Three upside down power meters laughed it up.

Two Water Jugs And Rope smiled on the sidewalk.

Chair stood against the wall and gritted his teeth.

Hyundai glowered at the cop next to him.

And Two Vases, A Table and Three Art Cards looked like a total buck-toothed dumbass.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Some Ways That Aggressive Glass & Mirrors Drums Up Business

• They throw a brick through your front window and say "tsk tsk tsk."

• They hire a goon to come smash the shit out of your mirrors. And he takes the seven years bad luck because he ain't no snitch.

•  They run over your dog and make some clumsy joke about being blind and seeing eye dogs and you needing new blinds.

• They tell you that there's some really cool, amazing stuff happening outside your window but that you need new $1200 panes to really appreciate it.


• They threaten to give away the plot details of the "Homeland" episode you're watching unless you invest in some insulated windows which are surprisingly easy to open and clean when you really try them out. You should really give it a try unless you want to hear that Brody was framed for the bombing of CIA headquarters.

• They give you the finger inches from your face as they estimate, order, repair and invoice the window job for you.

• They "repair" your cracked coffee table glass top with Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka's ass in a sweet version of his "Superfly Splash."

• Fuck you

• Their hold music is "Architecture of Aggression" by Megadeth.

• They start a drawn out, expensive war under false pretenses, linking a terrorist attack to a completely unrelated foreign country that they wanted to invade in the first place for their oil wells.

Monday, January 21, 2013

To The Nearsighted People Who Want To Buy The "Everybody Loves Babies" DVD

Hey. Be careful, folks. If you just grab what you think is the DVD to "Everybody Loves Babies" because of the stacked multi-colored horizontal stripes on the cover, you may get more than you bargained for. Like a movie with four interlocking stories all connected by a single gun that converge at the end and reveal a complex and tragic story of the lives of humanity around the world and how we truly aren't that different. Or about two pot growers who face off against the Mexican drug cartel who kidnapped their shared girlfriend.

Of course, if you're nearsighted to begin with, you might not be able to tell the difference.