Friday, October 30, 2009


Last Tuesday afternoon, Joel went on a serious hike.

He wanted to take advantage of the nice weather and decided to finally hike the 7 mile trail at Topanga State Park, something he had been meaning to do since he'd moved there in '97.

He packed his own backpack, however, after a little falling out with his chimp servant, Chad Yarborough. They had a disagreement over whether the J. Crew catalogs should be stored in the ottoman or thrown against a tree in the backyard. So Joel being the amateur outdoorsman that he is, he packed more dick than water.

So you can just imagine 4 miles into the hike, Joel started getting really thirsty. He had already squeezed all of the moisture out of the dick he'd packed, and there were no streams or lakes nearby. Joel started to get really desperate.

He collapsed of dehydration at about the 6 mile mark. Rescue workers say that he had made a pillow out of the dick that he had left over (a rarity!) and had lay down to die.

Luckily, someone in the Topanga State Park parking lot had spotted him only steps from the First Aid station and gave him plenty of "G." That's what Gatorade apparently wants you to call it these days.

So Joel turned out fine, hungrily finishing off the dick pillow before jumping in his Rav-4 and heading home to threaten his chimp servant Chad Yarborough with his new switch.

(Pictured above, a bodybuilder's ass resembles the Necronomicon)





Thursday, October 29, 2009

That Logo Looks Familiar

Spotted at Bob's Furniture in Jersey, a set of "Bob-O-Pedic" children's furniture:

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

A Great Tip From Self Magazine

Spotted on the cover of "Self" at Pathmark: a blurb in pink:

"Look Like You Lost 5 Pounds?!"

Is losing five pounds that hard? Shit fucking ballsack. How goddamned lazy do you have to be to be unable to drop five lousy pounds? I lose that after an extended dump. I lose that after skipping a lunch. I lose that after getting off my fat ass and going for a run. Shit, people. "Look like you lost 5 pounds." Self Magazine, instead of encouraging you to eat right or –God forbid– exercise, has helped you craft a way to fool all of your friends into thinking you lost five pounds. They are spinning a web of lies for you from which you cannot escape. One lie leads to another, and soon you're murdering a janitor to use his corpse to fake your own death so that you can move to Mexico and start a new life! Don't read that article!

By the way, nobody notices when you lose only five pounds. Lose ten pounds and then we can talk, fatass.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Adriana Lima Is Unimpressed, As Always.

Brazilian supermodel Adriana Lima has traveled the globe, gracing many a catwalk from Milan to Morocco. So it takes a lot to get her to raise an eyebrow.

Serious Backhoe Stunt Driving at the 2008 MotoLive Show:

Adriana Lima does not know what that large machine is or what it is designed to do, so she doesn't feel like that is really that amazing a feat. Sorry.

Lars and Jens Rasmussen, the original creators of Google Maps, will soon be launching Google Wave, an all-new way to collaborate online via text, photos, videos, maps and more, all live, harnessing the power of HTML 5.

Adriana Lima heard the word "wave" and automatically starting thinking about body surfing on Ipanema beach in Rio De Janeiro. So she wasn't really listening to whatever you were talking about after that.

Wildlife officials in Portland, Oregon have installed a robotic elk to catch poachers. The decoy is the first robotic elk in the Wildlife Enforcement Decoy program, which began in 1991. Officials said the program targets nighttime or closed-season poachers.

Adriana Lima once attended a perfume premier at a robot wine bar in St. Petersburg. The wine was not poured by robots, however. Kind of a disappointment, really. She also has never heard of an "elk." Do they make fur from that? Whatever. Where's her phone?

The Telegraph reports that a man impersonating KFC founder Colonel Sanders managed to dupe his way into the UN headquarters in New York and shake hands with a senior official.

Okay, okay. You got Adriana there. That is pretty fucking impressive.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Okay, What's More Disgusting...

My keyboard at work...

Or the keyboard at my local Papa John's?

Your vote counts!

Green Peppers. Okay.

Pictured above, another one of those Facebook ad banners that make absolutely no goddamn sense.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Someone Owes Heineken Some Money.

Spotted in midtown yesterday, a video taxi-top ad that no workie.

Brynn tried to help, but it wasn't a touch-screen.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

EADJ Pun Police

What's all this here then? I'm patrolling the streets for that most heinous, most egregious of misdemeanors, the bloody pun. And let me tell you, guv'nor, this job is not for you sensitive nancies. Wot?

Oh, bugger. That's a terrible one, eh? Dwayne Johnson himself falling victim to an easy play on words, wot? Oy, come back here! Don't you run from me! Stop!

"Peelin' lucky?" Because you bloody peel the game pieces off to play the dodgy McDonald's sweepstakes thingy? Terrible, Mr. Monopoly. I'm going to have to write you a citation for...wait! You can't run from me, you hear? Come back here! *blows whistle*

Not so much a 'groaner' as it is just limp and tired. Not even worth my time, really. Carry on, luv.

Augh! That one really burned me in me front bits! Awful, just awful! Must beat it back with me bobby stick! Hey, come back here! You are running away from me right now!

What a load of codswallop. That's not even how you really pronounce 'phuket,' so you can't really count that one as a pun. Not in the traditional sense.

Ghastly! Two awful bloody puns in the same place! *blows whistle* Come back here! There's no excuse for "Britney Spares!" It doesn't even make sense! Stop! Police!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


My cousin Melissa and I were cleaning the basement in my house, and we found a CRAWLSPACE near the bathroom! Inside we found a bunch of treasures that were left by the previous owner, who you might remember left a ton of crap in the yard and an upstairs closet.

I let Melissa go in first, in case there were mummies or waterfalls like in "The Goonies."

The crawlspace had low head clearance (thus the name) and we found a shitty brass lamp, an unknown bracket, and what looked like a dusty tennis racket case.

We found an ancient mystical box that was labeled "Killauni."

No magical amulets or idols inside, though.

Although if the previous owner's motorcycle GPS goes haywire, he's screwed.

We found a perfectly good desk fan, which I gave to Melissa.

Then we found THIS:

Friggin' JACKPOT. A rusty fucking sword! This IS the Goonies!! We also spotted an unattractive flower vase and ignored it.

We cracked open the tennis racket case to see what was really in there.

It was a camping cot. Was someone actually sleeping in this crawlspace? Did this used to be some kind of sex dungeon? Was "Killauni" involved?

We also found a cassette tape, the contents of which I hope to digitize and post on this blog later. But after that whole abandoned film fiasco, let's not get our hopes up too much.

But even if it turns out to be a blank tape that was inexplicably left played in the middle, we'll always have THIS:

Lost Boys!!!!!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

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