Some More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"This won't work out. We're not compatible. You're obviously USB-C while I'm USB-A!"

"What was it you said earlier, that this job would get off without a hitch? Well, Sarah, guess what this is. That's right. A HITCH! This job is definitely getting off WITH a hitch, Sarah! You hear me? I signed up for a HITCHLESS job and we now have ourselves a HITCHFUL job, Sarah!"

"Hello. My name is Andrew Tate."

"It's your turn to change him."

"Goddammit."

"This high up, you can't possibly expect there to be a working shower."

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Describe The Premise of The BBC America Series "Orphan Black"

"Orphan Black?... Uh... Ah... Yeah, I loved that show... Ahh... shit... It's about.. uh, this girl named Sarah who discovers .. OUCH!... discovers other girls who look... GAH... exactly like her and... Like, uh... ah... can't breathe.... she assumes the identity of one of them... ah... ahh... uh... the... um, Elizabeth Childs, was her name, right?... Ah.... ah... and what's really interesting about the show is..." *shits himself*

Here Are Your Job Numbers For Feb 2017

Dear losers associates,

As co-Vice President of Asys, the parent company that has merged with your company (and will eventually completely absorb it LOL), it is my duty to inform you that this is the last week you can fill out your little timesheets in your quaint way before our awesome automated way takes over.

So without further ado, here are the job numbers you are supposed to use before we lay you off... whoops did I say "lay you off?" I meant "lay you off."

Here ya go:

636836: Wishin'

003395: Hopin'

119355: Thinkin'

391004: Prayin'

773932: Creating a cinematic universe

911345: Falling for that old trick again

585574: Saying "that looks dumb" out loud after a movie trailer

883610: Changing your relationship status from "it's complicated" to "I'm basically a universally incompatible person"

527201: Mansplaining manscaping

725595: Blowing your nose while Creedence is playing in the background

925025: Realizing that DJs who pump their fists more are actually DJing less.

244444: Converting your Sea Monkeys to Christianity

4305560: re-dubbing footage of Donald Trump so he sounds like a Dickens street urchin

882615: chucking your mixtape into the crack of Jay-Z's limo window

642889: uploading Twenty One Pilots songs onto your 2006 brown Zune

3772922: not smokin' 'em because you don't got 'em

7652832: taking the time to fill out the customer survey- winning nothing

Spotted At O'Hare

The need for a plug in order to check email reduces a woman to "untouchable" status.

Genuine Reaction Time.

(pictured above, whilst watching a segment on Oprah about polygamy, J'Net gets upset because there are no women with multiple husbands. I mean, where's the equality?!?)

Joel MacDonald Ate A Dick, E-A-E-A-D-J

What to do, what to do.

Joel locked himself out of the apartment this morning when he took some used dick containers out to the trash. Unfortunately, it was still 4am, and none of his neighbors were up yet. So Joel tried to fall asleep on one of the lounge chairs by the pool.

The nearsighted security guard Paolo saw a figure sleeping by the pool and just assumed it was a bum who wandered onto the premises. He swung his truncheon onto Joel's shins, creating a loud CRACK that woke him up.

But before Joel had a chance to protest and explain his situation, Paolo had bagged him in a lawn trash bag and proceeded to throw him over the hedges into an adjoining construction site, which was a good 30 foot drop.

Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarborough enjoyed a very quiet, leisurely breakfast.

(pictured above, the actual bed that I slept in while visiting my cousin in New Jersey)