Friday, September 28, 2012

Two Facebook Messages

To Eva Cunningham: No thanks. I'm pretty sure you're a pornstar/spammer. Fuck off.

To Katie Holmes: Hi. It's nice to see you're back on the market. It must have been a really emotional, difficult divorce. But glad to see you back on your feet, ready to meet new people. But no thanks. I'm married already.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Computer Speaker Was Undecided.

Computer Speaker was undecided.

Pine Needles On The Sidewalk were both amused and irritated.

Car door latch shrugged it off.

Suburban California House started to weep.

Com Tek laughed maniacally.

And so did Concrete Balcony.

Box of Papers tried to ignore it.

Two Cole Slaws and Two Pickles smiled dumbly.

Flat Toolbox found it all amusing.

Bottom of Cordless Phone was shocked.

Two Rugs On an SUV was appalled.

Two Toilet Paper Rolls On The John was speechless.

Two Coasters and a Remote didn't know what to say.

Steam Iron laughed it off as a fluke.

Highway Pylon laughed from the safety of a partition.

Stepladder ROFL'd.

Highway Partitions were all shocked, down the line.

Bike Helmet was drunk.

Road Pylon cracked an inappropriate joke about it all...

... but Bathroom Stall Bracket was too dumb to get it.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

An Imagined Conversation

"Look at this bachelor pad. This place is a dump, and those Scandinavian liquor models are coming over any minute to take us to the Empire Hotel rooftop for some bottle service and to hang with Nikki and Paulo! Hand me the broom, Jeff."

"Broom?! Ha ha, you gotta be kidding me, Rob. We don't have a broom anymore. We're not friggin' dorks, man. We now have a Three To Tango broom, which is all about style!"

"Whoa! Look at that broad sweeper! Can it brush dirt off our bamboo floors like the old broom did?"

"You bet, Rob. It does just as good a job as any old nerdy broom. But this baby has the added bonus of cleaning with fun, festive colors and hologram glitter all over the handle and head!"

"Fuck me! That is so amazingly stylish! And look at it sweep just like a boring, unadorned broom! Look at my striped shirt!"

"And you think that stops with the broom? Oh no, my friend. You can also get a dustpan and brush that is just as stylish and cool." Every step of the sweeping up process has now been made chic and in vogue!"

"It's like we're underwear models on the catwalk now!"

"It's cool cleaning for a hip home like ours, Rob! We are sweeping in style!"

(third bedroom door opens)

"Rob, Jeff, I'm trying to sleep in here but can't because of your loud, effeminate caterwauling about 'sweeping in style.' You guys are fucking pussies. And is that my shirt?!"

Monday, September 24, 2012

Another Urban Tumbleweed Spotted

To prove that the hair weave tumbleweed is not just an isolated phenomenon, here is a new video of an urban tumbleweed spotted in suburban New Jersey, which I guess makes it a suburban tumbleweed:

Project Hillbilly Teeth, Phase 4: Special Train Edition

(cue irritating banjo music)

Project Hillbilly Teeth continues, but before we dive into it, we should restate our mission objectives:

1) find business cards, luggage tags or junk mail that people have dropped in public places

2) retain these items to protect those innocent people from identity theft/fraud

3) mail them a confusing letter with some "Bubba" hillbilly teeth enclosed in the envelope

4) speculate on their delicious confusion

All three of the following entries took place on trains, train platforms or stations. The first one being a business card dropped by a representative of "International Speakers Bureau," a company that provides luminary speakers like Toby Keith (?), Ellen DeGeneres, Jimmy Buffett (!), and Anderson Cooper to give motivational speeches to corporations. Because nothing gets me more fired up about teamwork and making my sales quota than Jimmy Buffett.

For this one, I wrote to the nice lady pretending to be the President of the United Plumbers Pipefitter Association.

(Click to enlarge)

For our second entry, we found a luggage tag in the Amtrak terminal at New York Penn Station. 

The owner of this tag was most likely a business traveler, so we figured a nice letter to him from someone who could have possibly struck up a conversation with him on the train would be appropriate.

(Click to enlarge)

Lastly, on the 7 shuttle subway train, we found this ripped-in-half piece of mail:

Turns out it was a bill for an overdue balance for a subscription to Harper's Magazine. The person who ripped and littered this seemed to be interested in literature, politics, culture, finance, the arts, and not paying their magazine bills for months.

Rather than hector the subscriber about the overdue balance, I decided to take a different tack and screw up their day even more:

(Click to enlarge)

So I sealed up and mailed these bad boys and let the USPS take them where they may, like leaves on the Seine.

Drop it like it's hillbilly teeth.

I can only imagine how those lucky recipients looked wearing their newfound novelty teeth. Here now are an artist's renditions:

The business traveler by train who struck up an interesting conversation with a stranger:

The avid (but delinquent) Harper's Magazine subscriber/litterbug:

The celebrity public speaker representative:

And just for the hell of it, I did one with the President of the United Plumbers Pipefitter Association wearing hillbilly teeth, too.

(fade out irritating banjo music)

Friday, September 21, 2012

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Update Your Email Address In LinkedIn

To change the primary email address for your LinkedIn account:

1. Click the 'Settings' link at the top of the home page after logging into your account.
2. Click 'Email Addresses' under Personal Information.
3. On the 'Email Addresses' page, click the 'Add email address' button.
4. Enter the new email address.
5. Click 'Add Email Address'.
When you receive the confirmation message at the new email address:
1. Click the confirmation link in that message.
2. You will be taken to a web page on the LinkedIn site.
3. Click 'Confirm'.
4. Sign in to your account using the new email address.
5. The new email address will be confirmed and can be used to sign in to your account.
To make the new email address your primary email address for all LinkedIn communications, return to the 'Email Address' page, select the new address, and click 'Make Primary'. 

And speaking of confirming, when hiring a town car, the reason we call you back after you make a reservation is to make sure you're not a bunch of rich teenagers looking to hire a limo just so they can drink underage. I'm talking to you, group of kids with the 425 area code.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

A Nightmare Scenario

Imagine this: a terrorist chemical attack has just struck a major U.S. city. There are hundreds, possibly thousands of casualties, and the news station you intern for is about the break the story. But the problem is, the station's entire music library was deleted, and the ONLY music you can use for the intro to this breaking story comes from the play telephone on the Fisher Price Laugh & Learn® Fun With Friends Musical Table.

You cannot quit, and you will get FULL CREDIT for whatever airs. The cameras roll in six minutes. You must choose one of the nine music tracks to use. Not using music is not an option. Which do you pick?

Remember, this is for a major terrorist attack of a U.S. city.

Remember, this is for a major terrorist attack of a U.S. city.

Post your vote in the comments, and we'll see which track the news station would use!