UAG

Let's Tell the EADJ Mail Sack That It's Never Going To College Even Though Its Grades Are Clearly Sufficient To Go To A Decent School!

Submitted by John Reid, a link to an item for sale on Buy.com:


Item Description: Butterscotch Pony is a life-sized plush pony that loves to be groomed and cared for. She has many features similar to that of a real pony, including moving eyes, ears and head, soft fur coat and a swishing tail. Through sensors, Butterscotch can feel when she is being groomed and will move her head toward you, and may whinny and snort. The more you touch her, the happier she becomes. Just like a real pony, Butterscotch loves carrots and can be "fed." Hold the pretend carrot to her face, and she will open her mouth for it, or shake her head "no" if she has had enough. Kids can even sit on Butterscotch and she will make walking sounds. Measures 39" tall. Requires 6 "D" batteries (not included). Adult assembly required. Holds up to 80 pounds.

"Comedy possibilities? Endless," John writes.

Some possible uses:
• Sneak Butterscotch into a petting zoo, beat it mercilessly in front of children
• Insert bacon into Butterscotch's anus, take to dog park
• Insert bacon into own anus, take to dog park
• Bring Butterscotch onto crowded subway, turn on, and scream "ALLAH IS GREAT!"
• Place Butterscotch under child's bed after showing them Poltergeist.
• Take Butterscotch to a cow pasture and see if they give a shit
• Try to ride Butterscotch through airport security
• Hire a stripper and insist she use Butterscotch in her act. Start crying when she does.
• Take Butterscotch to a faith healing church. Bring it to the front, and turn on when preacher touches it.
• Comb Butterscotch's pretty hair, and fuck.
• Put it in passenger seat, cruise on Sunset.
• Throw Butterscotch into one of the prisoner's cells in Guantanamo Bay. Never explain.
• Hold auditions where actors have to read opposite Butterscotch for a dramatic role on NBC series Friday Night Lights. Call them later to tell them they didn't get the part.

The link is here.

Let's Spread the EADJ Mail Sack Open With Our Fingers, Then Hock a Loogey Into It To Lubricate It!

(below, a submission by our Boulder correspondent Mel Kreilein: John Reid's mongo jar of muscle protein with a wristwatch, you know, for scale.)


Writes Mel:

"Von Steed and his Mass Tech

bwahahahahah.

He's gonna kill me."

Joel MacDonald Ate A Dick, E-A-E-A-D-J

What to do, what to do.

Joel locked himself out of the apartment this morning when he took some used dick containers out to the trash. Unfortunately, it was still 4am, and none of his neighbors were up yet. So Joel tried to fall asleep on one of the lounge chairs by the pool.

The nearsighted security guard Paolo saw a figure sleeping by the pool and just assumed it was a bum who wandered onto the premises. He swung his truncheon onto Joel's shins, creating a loud CRACK that woke him up.

But before Joel had a chance to protest and explain his situation, Paolo had bagged him in a lawn trash bag and proceeded to throw him over the hedges into an adjoining construction site, which was a good 30 foot drop.

Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarborough enjoyed a very quiet, leisurely breakfast.

(pictured above, the actual bed that I slept in while visiting my cousin in New Jersey)