Monday, October 31, 2016

Six Lies Told By The Kittatinny Dual Racing Ziplines Brochure

1) It's not actually real racing between the two lines. Zipline #2 drags like a burro with a club foot.

2) That is what a thumbs up under extreme duress looks like.

3) Kittatinny is known for their canoes, so why not trust your life to them making an extra buck with a steel cable and a harness with wheels? Same thing, right?

4) They wanted to say "shit," but thought "zip" was cuter. "Shit" would've been cuter.

5) You are not required to heil the Fuhrer while riding, but you are allowed to.

6) "Reservations recommended, walk ins welcome?" Well, which is it? What kind of passive aggressive parenting is going on here?


EADJ and the National College Greek Council are proud to announce the opening of the very first chapter of the Six Liesa Tolda fraternity on the campus of the University of Kansas. The "6LT" house is located on the corner of W 15th and Vermont Street, between the Kappa Alpha Theta and Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority houses. The house has rooms for over 30 fraternity brothers and features 3 shared bathrooms and a basement meeting room.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

A Few More Unused, Terrible Porn Names

Okay, so you've run away from home, quit your job at Qdoba, packed two tank tops and a tube of toothpaste in a gym bag and jumped on a Greyhound to the Valley to make it big as an adult film star. But you forgot two important things: your dental dam and a marketable PORNSTAR NAME!

Well, we at EADJ are here to provide you with a name you can be proud of as you either ejaculate on a stranger or have a stranger ejaculate on you. Here are two helpful lists (hers and his) that you can consider for your next big break in the biz:


Urethra Franklin (courtesy of Emily Kane)
Ureter Moreno
Sarah Draftinhere
Tits Romney
Pisstina Applegape
Humpkin Spice Twattay
Anna Tomicallycorrect
Phyllis Holerighthere
Alluva Cox
Lilly Hammered
Betty Cumsfirst


Junk Dilla
Tucker Boner
Jack Kinghoff Yurdad
Takina Dumpf
Insurance Claude
Jean-Michele Scrota
Pvt. Partz
Phil Anderer
Otto Correct
Bruce D. Ego
Reck Tal
Darius Fucker

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Now Let's Go To Gary Ennoweth With the Accuweather Forecast

"Thanks, Tracy and Dean. Milder weather earlier this morning and afternoon is all but gone this evening, leaving a massive low pressure system covering the entire tri-state area, which I'm afraid is going to lead to a serious shitstorm by midnight.

"This shitstorm isn't something any of us were prepared for, frankly, but isn't that always what happens? You see the signs but ignore them, hoping for the best, then... BAM! You're surrounded by shit. In a storm.

"Now, this shitstorm is sure to cover the entire area, but I bet you're wondering, who will this affect most? A lot of people, actually. The most affected:

•  people who didn't look at their checking balance until rent is due
• furries with neighbors with children
• Alex P. Keaton when he was taking two different girls to prom
• whoever's in charge of the DC cinematic universe
• climate change deniers
• people in jail with Suge Knight who have no idea who he is
• people who purchased "No Man's Sky" instead of "Overwatch" for their kids
• Donald J. Trump
• people who are just getting around to watching "The Walking Dead" season premiere, with their parents
• teen moms-to-be

"If you're on this list, I would urge you to stay inside and try to sit out the shitstorm, but I know for a lot of you in mobile homes, that it's just not possible. So I'd recommend finding a secure building, sitting yourself in the middle of the basement, and reassessing the life choices you've made thus far and maybe coming to terms with your God. I'm Gary Ennoweth, and this is your Accuweather Forecast! Back to you, Tracy and Dean!"

Monday, October 24, 2016

And Now, The Very First EADJ Fashion Roundup Featuring Only One Person

I was having lunch at a strip mall in Vauxhall, New Jersey the other week (I know, I've made some terrible life choices), when a magnificent gentleman illegally parks his car in front of me and changes my life:

That hooptie with the (non)paint job. That total disregard for the fire lane paint nearby.

That Hawaiian shirt. Those mandals.

Those shades. That goatee. Oh, those exquisite cargo pants.

This guy dresses exactly like a private investigator that lives near the ocean. Which is why he should have his own TV intro:

Now that I think about it, this isn't an EADJ Fashion Roundup at all. Ah, fuck it!

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Hey, you can be as badass as you want, but look under your foot– you still belong to Andy.

If you're a T-Rex and you get all blinged out, you only have yourself to blame if your tiny arms can't push past all the chains on your neck.

I'm having a lot of problem with the idea of scale in this cover. Is the gorilla– and thus the samurai armor and sword– giant Godzilla-sized, or is Godzilla the size of a regular gorilla with the pagoda now as a miniature?

I thought that guy was sporting an African American mullet but then realized the "back part" was actually the body of a dinosaur. Yeah, that makes a ton more sense.

Empowering? A parody of empowering? A parody of fake empowerment through the co-opting of stereotypical misogynistic hip hop imagery? Or just dumb?

Hard to look badass with falling leaves. Nice attempt, though.

This is fine as is. Stet.

This has to be breaking some kind of Safe Food Handling law.

Hey, can we stop making parody covers of other albums in mixtapes, please?


Come on guys, please?

Not sure if that model knew that a giant tan word SHIT would be slapped on her ass after the fact.

She say she ready, but do she really? How we know if she tell the truth if we no take her word for it?