Friday, November 28, 2014

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Forward A Personal Check

You may be wondering why anyone would ever have the need to sign over a check to another person in this day and age, but there are several circumstances where you might find the need to endorse a check over to someone else.


And speaking of access to money, if you want to tip me two dollars for a $40 fare, don't ask me to break a fiver and tell me you'll "just get three dollars back." You don't look like a high roller, son. You look cheap as refurbished sandals. Stay classy, kids.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Nothing more terrifying than a knife wielding gorilla that screams "PRICE!"

No change needed.

Looks good to me.

"V-Ice" now? Okay. Approved.




Yup. Solid. Keep as is.

I love the attention to detail here. Even though it clearly says "WEST COAST" and "LOS ANGELES" on the cover in big letters, the designer made sure to include the silhouette of the state of California (see the bay area near the chin?) to really drive the message home.

Friday, November 21, 2014

The Latest Hollywood Films Based On Names of Various Scented Candles

Once again, the four major film studios in Tinseltown raid the nearby Walgreens shelves for some or ANY ideas for a new script. Here are the latest offerings:

"Tranquil Retreat," starring Tommy Lee Jones and Amber Heard
A retired Army general reconnects with his estranged daughter when forced to move in with her at her lake home. Also starring Stephen Dorff as a misguided staff sergeant.

"Just Picked," starring Kristen Bell, Adrien Brody, and Zach Braff. The wacky, unpredictable single lives of some freelance wine pickers in Sonoma Valley during the height of picking season. The parties, the triumphs, the heartbreak of a ruined crop- this is the side of wine picking that you never get to see.

"Vanilla Celebration," starring Mark Wahlberg, Paul Reubens, Alan Cumming, Seth Rogan, Colin Firth, James Franco, Helena Bonham Carter, Amy Adams, Jeremy Renner, and Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal.

A shitload of white people throw a party. The cops do not come and knock on their door about the noise.

"Home Linens" starring Bruce Dern, Danny Devito, Jeff Bridges and Steven Seagal. From the makers of "Nebraska," this movie follows the story of a bedridden retired ad copywriter who shat his bed and must rely on his three poker buddies who are coming in two hours to help clean this shit up.

"Grandma's Kitchen," starring Martin Lawrence and Tyler Perry.

No plot summary given.

"Day's End," starring Willem Dafoe, Cameron Diaz, and Robert Englund.

A post-apocalyptic story about a humble toll collector (Willem Dafoe) who becomes the leader of a small group of survivors to battle the dreaded mutant zombie army (led by Englund). Soundtrack by Hans Zimmer.

"Indigo Nights," starring Vanessa Hudgens, Lou Diamond Phillips, and Zac Efron.

A bangin' Vegas casino nightclub Indigo, run by an evil mob boss/drug kingpin (Phillips) gets taken down by a crafty, tech-savvy waitress (Hudgens) and a blackjack dealer (Efron). It's "Oceans 11" meets "High School Musical."

"'Sweet Pea,' based on 'Precious,' based on the novel 'Push' by Sapphire,' starring Gabourey Sidibe and Jesse Eisenberg.

This behind-the-scenes fake-documentary of the making-of the 2010 movie "Precious" documents all the table reads, concept meetings, and budget catch-ups that the filmmaker's underwent. Sounds horrible.

"Autumn Evenings" is actually not a new movie script, but a new branded Massengill douche scent to tie in with the upcoming "Night At The Museum: Secret of the Tomb," coming December 19.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

The Puddles of New York City, Identified by Pantone Number

There are a rainbow of unidentified puddles along the streets of New York City at any given moment, even if it hasn't rained recently. Here now is a Pantone® sponsored guide to the latest mystery liquids in Midtown, Downtown, and the "nice" part of Queens:

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

This Week in Hip Hop Awfulness


If it burns when you pee, visit your local clinic.

Toby hated it when his older brother Randall babysat.

No idea. Leave it as is. It's perfect.

Chief Keef and Gucci Mane continue to slay standards of what good hip hop is.

"Shit, I thought my keys were in my jeans, but maybe they're in the ashtray at home? In my desk drawer at work? Shit!"

Some people are too busy with their fabulous playa lives to put their phone down for a quick photo shoot. Jeez, even Oprah takes a break for a few snapshots, Le$.