Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Last Week Of 2013

Feel free to use any of these unloved hashtags in your own unloved Twitter feed.


Friday, December 27, 2013

Answers To Yesterday's "Which Can, Erickson?"

Click to enlarge:

Okay, that was too easy, wasn't it?

We paired yesterday's mystery toilets with common spices to make the game less challenging, and suddenly everyone guessed all eight toilets within seconds. Bah, next time we'll let you people sweat it out more.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Which Can, Erickson? Year-End Closeout Round

Match the following toilets to their respective locations named below. To make it easier this time, we've paired the toilets with different spices. Answers will be revealed tomorrow.

Click to enlarge

• Cilantro / RDU Airport, North Carolina

• Turmeric / Craigs, Los Angeles

• Sage / Toucan Cleric's Fun

• Fenugreek / National Aquarium, Baltimore, Maryland

• Coriander / Pacific Printing Press, Surrey, British Columbia

• Cardamom Seeds / Chanans Buffet, Lanham, Maryland

• Rosemary / Ritz Carlton, St. Louis, Missouri

• Mint / Bronx Zoo, New York City

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

And Now, A Public Service Message

"Hi. This is the voice of Alyssa Milano, star of 'Who's The Boss' and several hundred Maxim spreads in the 90s. I wanted to share with you some troubling news about one of our favorite snack foods, Animal Crackers and the way they are currently being abused by the nation's largest cookie manufacturers."

"Did you know that all four of the big cookie producers subject their Animal Crackers to degrading, unfathomable cruelty by forcing hundreds of them to cram into a cheap plastic container rather than a much roomier and classier cardboard-box-that-looks-like-a-circus-train-car? It's true."

"Much worse, did you know that almost 30% of all Animal Crackers end up being completely unrecognizable either through shoddy baking or unsafe packaging? 'Is that supposed to be a hippo or a cat?' Who knows? Who cares? I care."

"Please, for only $4500 a week, you can make sure that Animal Crackers such as these have enriched, happy lives before being mercilessly gobbled by a four-year old."

"I'm Alyssa Milano. And you can stand with me for this worthy cause. I mean, what else do you or I have to do this week? I'll pick you up at four."

♪ In the arms of the angels…  

Friday, December 20, 2013

Thursday, December 19, 2013

EADJ Song Hate: It's Gettin' Kind Of Hectic

Sorry for the misleading title, but we are not lambasting "The Power" by Snap, which I think is cheesy but still too good to feature on this segment.

Instead, we're going to have two firsts here at EADJ Song Hate: the first holiday song, and the first song that most of you probably haven't heard before!

I think I may have found THE worst holiday song ever. "Christmas Is My Favorite Holiday" by King Virtue, as featured on the 2001 "This Is Christmas" compilation album:

This thing sucks on all cylinders: the melody is irritating and repetitive. The singers are TERRIBLE at hitting and sustaining some of the higher notes. The lyrics are trite and cliché, like 1st grader-level bad. And worst of all, you can't get that shit out of your head after listening. Man, fuck this song.

I have no idea who King Virtue is, but his YouTube profile links to some other terrible songs by him/them, along with a link to kingvirtue.com, which when you click on it doesn't show a musical act as much as a series of classroom teaching materials.(???!!?!?!!)

But back to the song. 

No, fuck that. I hate that song. Instead, here's a photo of some repurposed porn:

String up King Virtue and his/their Holiday abortion of a song, fellas. In a market where being irritating is commonplace (see "Do You Hear What I Hear," "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer," "The Little Drummer Boy," and "The Twelve Days Of Christmas," King Virtue has/have made a name for himself/themselves with this glittery yule log of a turd. NEVER AGAIN.

Click to enlarge:

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

If you ever want to make the value of your sports car plummet, have Rick Ross sit on the hood.

Jimmy Mulaaaa is so confused with all his material goods and extra As in his name that he tries to make a phone call on a stack of money.

Jose Guapo is so confused by his massive illustrated size that he answers the stack of money that started ringing.

"Definitiono Fag?"

No wonder the polar icecaps have been melting- Pitbull's been pissing on them.

It does a heart good to see a narcissistic/untalented rapper like Soulja Boy have his actual name MISSPELLED on a mix tape cover.

I really don't know where to start with this one. It wins this round for its awesomeness.

Looks like someone couldn't pass up the Duty Free shops at Charles De Gaulle Airport!

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Brick Building Was Feeling Alright

Brick Building was feeling alright (submitted by Andrew Gall).

Prius Door Handles were, too.

Breast Pump was shocked.

Production Truck was furious for some reason.

IHOP Pineapple Slice was bummed.

Serving Table felt absolutely grouchy.

Police Barricade Bracket was distraught and on the street.

Brown Roller didn't care and just wanted to get out of there.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Some New Movie Script Ideas Based On The Edibles Section Of A Home Goods Store

Major movie studios are still clamoring for the next "Hunger Games," "Avengers" or "Hobbit" franchise, but they'll settle for a single good movie idea, too. Here now are the latest ideas green lighted by Hollywood, based on the third shelf of the "Edibles" section at a Home Goods store in Jersey (whew, what a setup):

"Chick Pz" 
This premium roasted animated comedy stars Jack Black and Dane Cook as two dumb farmhands who discover a meteor at their chicken farm, which turns all of the chickens into aggressive rapping poultry B-boys. Kate Hudson stars as Melody, the mother hen chanteuse.

"Nosewarmer Punch"
Ben Stiller stars as a lightweight boxer who learns he can make more money getting knocked out. His unscrupulous manager (Ving Rhames) encourages him not to take a dive but to really get knocked out as quickly as possible. Also starring Bradley Cooper as Lightweight Champion boxer "Short Shrift."

"Trapani Sea Salt"
This beautiful epic, shot by master cinematographer Claudio Miranda ("Life of Pi") is also directed by Ang Lee and features a film score by Mychael Danna. It stars Dev Patel and Kal Penn and features special creature and digital effects from Digital Domain. Still no word what this movie is about, however.

"HimalaSalt," or "HIM à la Salt" starring Shailene Woodley ("The Descendents") and Eric Bana ("The Time Traveler's Wife") is the stirring story of a girl growing up in rural Pennsylvania who discovers that all the salt from the local salt factory actually comes from her father's active sweat glands. Directed by Spike Jonze, so you know critics will jack off all over it.

"La Masrojana" is the latest travelogue film from Woody Allen, where he directs a handsome man (Hugh Jackman) to act all "Woody Allen-y" and inevitably bed some amazingly hot Latin women (Sofia Vergara, Penelope Cruz and Eva Mendes). And once again, critics will jack off all over it. Rated PG-13 for Latin sexual situations.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Don Considers His Time Valuable, Goddammit

Now, Don is not one to futz around and beat around the bush: he is a VERY BUSY MAN. So busy, in fact that he has to get work done on the way home from work. That's why Don sets up his Briefcase Desk®. That's a little invention he made to get more work done on the commuter train to Jersey. No, this type of thing is not for sale. This is not a crummy commercial for that. It's just a little something Don created for himself to get more work done. Because dammit if he's not a busy man.

Don't worry. Don does keep an accurate log of the hours that he works while on the train. He keeps track with an old fashioned alarm clock which he keeps on the right corner of his Briefcase Desk®. "If you're gonna do work, keep track of the time," Don always says.

Sometimes when things get really busy, Don wheels in a photocopier and a fax machine. There's a phone jack and a three-pronged outlet right by the train seat. And if he's working late, he plugs in a coffee maker. The Briefcase Desk® has a pocket for coffee filters and stirrers.

Great work, Don, and have a good weekend. We'll see you at 7am on Monday.