New EADJ Segment: Let's Dunk On Crap For Sale On Wish

 Sometimes Wish doesn't post a description for any of their crap merchandise on Facebook carousels, so we took it upon ourselves to add our own captions:

Is Grandma peeing too much? Cut her off with this handy bladder tourniquet. $3 for a set of two, so you can immobilize your older aunt, too.

Believe it or not, this tiny chip has every last Commodore 64 game save from a junior high class in Abilene Texas from 1985. UNBELIEVABLE! You can play Maniac Mansion again!

Spy on your nosy neighbors with these inconspicuous night vision goggles. And maybe see Gail's nipples if you're lucky.

These lifelike disembodied legs will look great... somewhere. Where would someone put these? I can't think of anyplace that wouldn't be creepy. Especially at home. Never mind. You're gross.

Now available: a 3-volume set chronicling every dumb thing you did in high school! It's all here, like sitting-down-with-people-way-cooler-than-you, your-voice-cracking-while-asking-to-go-to-the-bathroom, and an entire volume alone about your stupid exploits in homeroom! Gold!

If this segment is received well, look out for future installments of LDOCFSOW!

Once Again, It's Time To Say Goodbye To All The Shit That Marketers Want You To Say Goodbye To

Bye bye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

When you forget the stylish scarf to go with that rakish fedora.

There's gotta be a template for this tired "blowing smoke" mixtape cover.

Hey Bodega, maybe you wouldn't need a giant down parka if you drove WITH THE WINDOW UP.

This is so different from other hip hop mixtape covers that I'm actually intrigued. Stet.

When your sister tends to fart a lot, you keep a fan handy.

You paid for that studio time. Better mix the shit out of that trap beat.

This is pretty neat. Other than the horrific kerning of the word "WHITE".

I wonder if gangsta newspapers have a crossword section.

Whoa! I guess they do.

UAG

 

Here Are Your Job Numbers For The Week of July 27

 

Hello remote workers! Hector the IT assistant here. So I know we're all a few months into the lockdown, and I can see that most of us have gotten used to the two-factor authentication method of logging onto email and servers, but I just wanted to remind everyone that doing timesheets promptly is still essential part of our process. So let me just reiterate that you have to click onto "employee services", then "timesheets", then "my timesheets", then "new timesheet". From there, a new window should open where you click your name, then click "create timesheet", then when it prompts you to create a new timesheet, you press "yes", then check the box at the bottom before typing your timesheet password (NOT your email password). Once you check the box, the open window will take you to a spreadsheet where you can select "week", and then "this week", then "timesheet for this week". Once you do that, here are the job numbers you can use:

94268: Wetting your bed head in time for a Zoom call

83313: Asking Alexa if it's a work day

07703: Accidentally deleting porn

60236: Patiently sitting through a :03 YouTube preroll ad

50378: Figuring out if someone is doing the rock 'devil's horns' or doing Spider-Man shooting webs

63152: Wrapping a taco with a burrito wrap to keep it all together

84627: Deciding that it was worth it for the nut

53842: Rage quitting Minecraft

77634: Showing off your spot-on Piers Morgan impression

03510: Looking for the tablet stylus in your afro

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

"I'm dead and I still can't quit smoking."

Keep your eyes on the road Soulja Boy, or you might miss discovering a new dance.

Not sure what this is, but my inner 14 year old loves it.

"Yeah, blur it out so we can sell records, but don't blur it so much that you can't tell what I'm doing with my fingers. Also, put that giant red dinner plate behind me."

I legit thought this was The Mask for a second.

I'm guessing Pluto is heaving a sigh of relief here.

No lay? Fine (boo hoo).

An overenthusiastic cake decorator decided to put everything they've ever seen onto your wedding cake.

Oh Great. More Racist Appliances.

 

Just Confirming...

"Lifestyle" is a dildo, right? It's definitely a dildo.

 

It's Time Once Again To Say Goodbye To All The Shit That Advertisers Want You To Say Goodbye To

 

Goodbye! Goodbye! Bye bye! Goodbye! Good-Bye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

Let's Dredge Up The Forgotten Husk of the EADJ Mail Sack!

 From my friend Shannon S, a poor choice of words for a GrubHub ad, considering the pandemic and all: 

EADJ: Smecial Mini Dream Entry

 

From Andrew:

From Mig:

This is CNN

Pictured above, Lincoln gets its damn media buy's worth by driving all over CNN news.

 

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

 

Tell me about it. Getting the shingles made me want to pray for death, too.

Why would you need to drop out of school a second time? COMMIT, kids!

Just in case you thought the whole "purp" thing was over... it's not.

This guy wins life by waiting for his wife to finish shopping in the department store's furniture section.

Josh discovered that Santa was a hippie burnout and suddenly wished he weren't real after all.

This cover seems a little puerile for a veteran rapper like Busta Rhymes. Who knows.

"Thanks, but I just brushed my teeth, and I hate that taste with OJ." *shudder*

#accidentalGoatse

Hey, look. Santa also paints!

I love this homage. No change needed.