Friday, February 28, 2014

Let's Give The EADJ Mail Sack A Monogrammed Sweater That They Can't Return!

Submitted by Tom Weingard via IM:

It means that Tom came pretty darn close to showing his wenis on the Internet.

Here now is maybe the only opportunity I'll ever have to post Toto's video for Africa on this blog in an acceptable context:

Thursday, February 27, 2014

***THIS JUST IN*** The EADJ Lonnie Quinn Shirt Sleeve Index REFERENCED On CBS 2 News!

Submitted by J'Net, actual video of the 2/26 CBS News Weather Broadcast where Maurice DuBois (it means "of wood") and Lonnie Quinn actually reference the "Lonnie Quinn Sleeve-o-meter!"

Fast forward to the end of his forecast at 2:10 if you don't believe me:

(Video no longer available. Dammit.)


Maurice: We'll keep an eye on the sleeve, the jacket, and all that.

Lonnie Quinn: That's right. Watch the Sleeve-o-monitor… the Sleeve-o-meter!

Holy shit. That can only mean that CBS 2 News has read the entries about the Lonnie Quinn-dex on EADJ and are referencing THIS VERY BLOG!!!!

No, really. Even if they didn't call it the Lonnie Quinn-dex, a quick Google search of the misnamed "Lonnie Quinn Sleeve-o-meter" showed Eat A Dick Joel as the FIRST SEARCH RESULT.

This is huge. So Lonnie, Maurice, and Kristine, if you are reading this, hi, I'm a really big fan of your newscast, and if one of you would utter the phrase "Eat A Dick Joel" on the air, I'd really appreciate it.

And please tell Alice Gainer I'm sorry I called her a homewrecker.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The NJ Transit Survey Brochure Photo Models: Now as Nintendo Miis!

I wonder if the models for this stupid photo ever imagined that their likenesses would be immortalized as Miis on an obscure blog about Joel eating dicks. Probably.








Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Dis Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Remember wealthy freegans: remove your fine mink coat before dumpster diving for cantaloupe rinds and celery stalks.

After making it big, Joe Ryan forgot that the check cashing place in his home town didn't offer valet parking.

Do not attempt to shoot at the giant ghostly,blue-lightning-spouting heads floating above Brooklyn. They are apparently protected by invisible bulletproof glass.

Speaking of floating heads...

Not all men wearing sunglasses are stroking their chins.
And not all men with backwards hats are stroking their chins.
But only ONE MAN stroking his chin doesn't have sunglasses and is wearing a backwards hat!

Perfect. No change necessary.

"Okay, this loft space has potential but is simply lacks light and practial flow. So what we're going to do here is knock out that east wall. This will open up this entire space and still leave the north wall with plenty of storage and shelving. Don't worry- that wasn't a load-bearing wall. Remember, this was converted warehouse space! See, now isn't this much better? This has been Shell's Creative Spaces, brought to you by HGTV and Alberta Television!"

Probably one thing you don't want to affiliate yourself with is Mel Gibson.

That means you too, Prodigy.

Throw up all the catchers signals you want, but when you're stuck in a hot tub with the moon, hardly anyone will want to help you out.

Monday, February 24, 2014

A Half Dozen Haikus

Look, some idiot made a haiku about every person in that awful photo in the New Jersey Transit survey brochure.

A bystander, mute
No conversation offered
Useless dimpled man

Tall, blonde, engaging
Her laugh even seems sincere
Collar popped? Hell yes

Sitting in the back
Separated from the rest
Rosa Parks would weep

Tossing her brown hair
Pretending to laugh at jokes
Boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs

Who's the man on board
Whose dick swings like a caber
Thumbs point to this guy

This one fellow points
Tries steering convo this way
Nobody gives shit

Friday, February 21, 2014

Door Organizer Was Skeptical.

Door Organizer was skeptical.

So were Two Hand Towels On The Oven.

Lightbulb Packs couldn't believe what he was hearing.

Combination De-Icer/Scraper just got back from Monsters University.

Coffee Machine at Dunkin Donuts shed a red tear.

Building on 44th Street just winked and smiled.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

The Triumphant Return of the New Jersey Transit Survey Brochure

Yesterday, New Jersey Transit train cars were littered festooned with brochures announcing this year's NJ Transit Survey.

Looks like they've kept the iconic awkward photo from last year. So fans of that photo will be relieved that the visual essence of this pamphlet won't change.

One of you might wonder, how is the new survey brochure different from the previous survey brochure? Well, we'll tell you:

1) Changed starburst from eye-catching orange to camouflage-y white

2) Added ginormous block lettering

3) Added racing stripes (courtesy of West Coast Customs)

4) Either by accident or by design, the "O" in "OF" now circles the pointing hand 

5) Changed headline to 8 OUT OF 10 CUSTOMERS RECOMMEND US! headline, thus skewing the whole idea of an impartial survey

6) Changed background color from a vibrant blue to a depressed bruise purple

7) Retained stupid illegible font in URL

8) Retained godawful shit-strip of logos at the bottom

Also, inspired by the recent release of The LEGO Movie, New Jersey Transit recently announced that they are partnering with the Weinstein Company to start filming the New Jersey Transit Movie next year and have just announced the cast, which if you ask me is pretty darn spot-on:

The film is to be released early summer of 2038.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Monday, February 17, 2014

Fun Daily Robin Meade Fact

Robin Meade was actually interviewed by Penthouse Magazine in December 2011 about her anchoring career on Headline News and her (then) new country album in an article named "Morning Glory."

Read that shit here.