Thursday, December 30, 2010

EADJ Surprising Hostility: "Magic" Wine Holder

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."
-Arthur C. Clarke, "Profiles of The Future", 1961

Today we direct our enmity towards any cantilever-style or so-called "magic" wine holder.

Why? Well, it's hard to articulate exactly what's so fucking annoying about these things, but here's a general walk-through of the logic of any person who buys one:

1) Oh wow! Look at that wine bottle holder! It makes it look like the bottle is floating!

2) But how does it work? Magic?!

3) Oh, I see! The piece of wood forces the heavy bottle to act as a counter-balance, and the angle of the base of the wood ensures the stability of the cantilever! How surprising and utterly elegant!

4) I've got to decorate my condo with this wine holder! This will both show off how sophisticated I am and baffle my douchebag friends!

So people who buy these things aren't only idiots when it comes to basic physics, but they're also eager to show off the fancy bottle of wine they bought.

When it comes to level of taste, I think I'd have to categorize the "magic" wine bottle holder with Patrick Nagel prints, halogen lamps, and those posters that have a rose on some piano keys.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010


Pictured below, craft service is not very excited about today's offerings.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Meanwhile, At Toucan Cleric's Fun...

Pictured above, a tray at an A/V station whose use I never figured out. As far as I know, it's still there.

Monday, December 27, 2010

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Handle A Lacrosse Stick

Any lacrosse coach will teach how to play lacrosse by dwelling on lacrosse skills. But the only way to become a fundamentally sound player is to work on basic skills.

Get into the habit of turning to face the direction the ball is coming from when passed to you. As you catch the ball in the lacrosse stick head, let the stick give as it receives the pass. This means that you must be aware of the location of the ball on the field and face the passer. That way you have a better view of the arc the lacrosse ball takes toward your stick.

Cradling is holding the ball in the pocket of your stick when you are not catching or passing. It's also your time to assess the field and choose your next move. Imagine having to watch your stick constantly to make sure you still have the ball. That leaves no time to scan the field and set a play. You have to be able to protect the ball from the defenseman while you look for an opportunity to shoot or pass the ball.

And speaking of stick handling, if I ever look in my rear view mirror and see one of you kids giving your prom dates a handjob in the back of my limo, I'm going to pull the car over until you have some tissue handy; I am NOT cleaning up after you kids every spring.

Thursday, December 23, 2010


Pictured above, a sucker is born every Christmas.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Spotted On 2nd Avenue

A banner for an upcoming hospital that I swear was for an upcoming shitty romantic comedy starring Katherine Heigl (or Kate Hudson) and Ryan Reynolds (or Owen Wilson).

Coming Soon: Urgent Care, the story of a pretty but harried nurse who's too busy taking care of others... when she should be caring for her heart.

(cue Peter Gabriel's "Solsbury Hill")
Meet Allison. (shot of Katherine Heigl (or Anne Hathaway) carrying a stack of bed pans)

She's in charge at St. Bartholomew, until she meets the new resident, Doctor Halbert (shot of Ryan Reynolds (or Gerard Butler) walking slo-mo down the hall with a clipboard.)

(cut to her running into him, dropping all the bedpans. Katherine Heigl (or Rachel McAdams) gets all huffy while Ryan Reynolds (or Channing Tatum) smiles dumbly)

Things in the ER just got a little more intense. (cut to montage of hectic and sometimes wacky events happening in the hospital which culminates with Katherine Heigl (or Scarlett Johansson) and Ryan Reynolds (or Hugh Jackman) inevitably falling in love)

(cue "Everywhere" by Michelle Branch)

Urgent Care. Rated PG-13. In theatres Jan 4 and on DVD the next week.


I guess I've been conditioned to associate big red type for shitty comedies over the years.

Amazing how Eddie Murphy is in most of them.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

A Word On Christmas Cards

Everybody enjoys receiving Christmas cards. It's a time-honored seasonal gesture that keeps people in touch with each other. But there are families that are too happy to send a card that is little more than a captioned photo of their kids.

Sure, it's pretty likely that the friends and loved ones that they've sent cards to are wondering how their kids are. But to just send a photo of your children with hardly a signature or bit of personalization is oddly both thoughtful and thoughtless.

Now, I'm not complaining about receiving Christmas cards– I'm grateful to still be on your list after what happened with my flask at Denny's. I'm just saying that a photo of your kid is not a photo of your entire family. What, did your nose fall off after you climbed Everest?

Oh, but even WORSE than a baby photo Christmas card is the dreaded Christmas family update letter. This has to be the biggest, douchetastic thing you can send to everyone you know– essentially junk mail where you brag about your kid's teeth growing in or your improved golf handicap. Fucking lazy, thoughtless egotism. Write us each a real letter if you're so proud, you cocknut.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Questions That Come After "What The Fuck?" Upon Seeing The Latest Bebe Window Display

• Are they lost?
• Or are they just Amish chicks with very permissive parents?
• Do those models know how fucking stupid they look with a wagon?
• Is the one pulling her wallet out to pay the wagon driver?
• Is the one in the skirt itchy after the ride?
• Where are the horses? Are the models pulling the wagon now?
• If the models are pulling the wagon now, how do you dangle a carrot in front if them if they don't eat?
• Why does fashion photography make me so livid?
• Did two runway models open a Cracker Barrel in Soho?
• Is this stupid photo in the models' portfolio?
• Is this stupid photo in the photographer's portfolio?
• Is this considered a new car ad in West Virginia?
• Whose big idea was it to take an antique wagon to the Diddy Ciroc party at Cirque, anyway? We're totally going to be late now, Kim.
• Who farted?
• Is this some subliminal "women driver" joke?
• Did the photographer coach both of them to do "Blue Steel?"
• That one model touching the wagon wheel– does she realize she's touching cow dung?
• Again, what the fuck?

Wednesday, December 15, 2010
















Yup. I think we're back in business.

Well, This Is a Problem.


(photo of apple in toilet)

I tried to upload some photos for a new post, but Blogger keeps telling me that EADJ has "exceeded the total photo upload quota."

I've apparently reached 1 GB of total photo storage on this bitch, which I guess is easy since every last entry I've ever entered here since December '06 (a grand total of 1,659) contained at least one photo.

Stay tuned as I try to either upgrade the storage for EADJ or finally close this blog and start "Eat Another Dick, Joel."

Personally, I think this post put it over the limit.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

EADJ Grades Your Papers

Since moving to a small town in New Jersey, it has become unavoidable to stumble upon the occasional errant school paper that some kid had lost or dropped. Here now, EADJ offers to grade these papers to teach the kids what's what.

"Solar Eclipses" by Unknown Girl


• A solar eclipse occurs when the moon passes between Earth and the sun, blocking the sunlight form reaching Earth.

• The darkest part of the moons shadow, the umbra, the umbra is cone shaped.

• From any point of the umbra, light from the sun iscompletely blocked by the moon.

Grammar: Terrible. Besides the unnecessary bullet format, the report suffers from run-on sentences and words that are too close together to distinguish by themselves. Also missing an apostrophe in the word "moons" to indicate possession. The bullet describing umbras is an incomplete sentence. The student also inexplicably changes from a cloud blue pen to a bright pink one midsentence.

Content: A single bullet about solar eclipses explains the phenomenon at a very cursory level. The third bullet is unclear as to from where exactly light from the sun is blocked. From the point of view of someone standing in the umbra? From the umbra itself (thus personifying it)? Poorly written.

Overall Grade: A disappointment. We were looking for more in-depth analysis (most notably the yearly frequency) of the solar phenomenon: D

"Elle Magazine" by Laura

Grammar: Lacking. There are many poor choices, many involving gerunds ("being" and "discussing") that result in awkwardly-worded sentences. The Strunk and White "Elements of Style" also dictates that the names of magazines should be italicized.

Content: Not bad. The basic information of Elle's marketing strategy is laid out in simple, direct fashion (pun!). However, Laura's enthusiasm for the content colored her coverage; several unnecessary exclamation marks found their way into her paper.

Overall Grade: I've never heard of a "Luxury Brand Management" class before, but even if I had, this wouldn't be a home run. I believe Professor T was too generous with a B+, quite frankly. I give it: C

Monday, December 13, 2010

Proof I'm Not Ready To Be A Father Yet

In the latest issue of SkyWest Magazine (??!????!!!???!?!???!!???), I get a chuckle from two ads that put "nutz" and "beaver" next to each other.