Thursday, July 30, 2009

Let's Refer To the EADJ As "Snazzy," Even Though That Word Makes Us Feel Incredibly Uncomfortable!

Submitted by John Reid, a headline that came very close to becoming the next blog masthead.

Old People Don't Give a Shit.

They just don't. What are you gonna do about it, whippersnapper? Were you in Korea? Have you ever sailed a skiff in the Pacific? Did you ever finger Debbie Reynolds? Cuz they have.

Goddam youth. PULL UP YER PANTS!

Bonus Points:

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Spotted at Terget

Pictured above, a CD of Jewel Lullabies, which is pretty fucking redundant if you ask me.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Yes, This is Somehow the Sixth Off-Brand T.P. Roundup.

Skyline Bathroom Tissue

Notable Features:
• Unnerving handwritten typeface
• Use of dark, dystopian city from "Blade Runner"
• Lack of color on label
Treats the ass like a number.

Daisy Bathroom Tissue

Notable Features:
• Bold Red Label
• Tagline: "Feel the difference"
• Comes in "soft"
As cheap and useless as Daisy from "Daisy of Love."

Mabel Clean and Soft 2-Ply Sheets

Notable Features:
• Pleasing, contemporary Colors
• Unexplained "L" Monogram
• Use of preppie argyle pattern
Feels like wiping with Kanye's sock.

Seventh Generation Bathroom Tissue/Papier HygiƩnique (submitted by Larry K)

Notable Features:
• 80% Post-Consumer Recycled Paper, so you're wiping with someone's old table tent
• Bleached (like your you-know-what)
• Contains an actual blurb from the Great Law of the Iroquois Confederacy (click on the photo if you don't fucking believe me)
There's a reason a leaf is on the cover.

Livi Bathroom Tissue

Notable Features:
• Logo that resembles a leaf or a vagina
• Fun to pronounce name
Shows no mercy.

Unnamed Cloud-Wrapped T.P.

Notable Features:
• Shrouded in mystery
• Enigma wrapped in a riddle
• Reminds one of The Simpsons' opening credits
There's no contact information in case you want to sue.

Greenleafe Reserve Bath Tissue

Notable Features:
• Extra "E" added for class
• Overuse of leaf imagery to really drive the concept home
• Is "reserve" for special occasions

Mor-Soft MS500

Notable Features:
• Terrible grammar
• Apparently upgraded from "400"
• Sounds like the name of a Sony audio component
Turns out 500 is how many of the thin sheets you'll need to use to get it all.

Marcal Sunrise

Notable Features:
• VIRTUALLY lint free
• Will leave your asshole 95% free of lintballs
• Contains only a trace amount of annoying gray lint

Smart Soft 500 2-Ply Sheets

Notable Features:
• Modern typeface
• Clean label
• Soothing use of colors
When they say "smart," they actually mean it hurts.

Heavenly Soft Bathroom Tissue

Notable Features:
• Label looks similar to the Wal-Mart logo
• Suspiciously downplays the word "soft"
• Promises an experience not unlike the Rapture
Causes you to blaspheme like a motherfucker when using.

LRMGOBAO Tissue 2-Ply Sheets

Notable Features:
• Confusing, unpronounceable name????
• Possibly an acronym???????
• Hey, maybe it's onomatopoeic? Like that's the sound you make when using it?????
• And why the globe? Is that a foreign name, then??????
• I really don't know. Very confused.
I dunno. You got me, man. As they say in my home country, "LRMGOBAO."

To further add to the confusion, here is a video about LRMGOBAO made by some middle school drama class (????????????).

Monday, July 27, 2009

Coming Soon to the EADJ Crappinema: Sol Goode

We at EADJ already have a serious backlog of crappy movies to watch, due to the 2-for-1 combo DVDs that we've acquired. But one glance at this bad boy at Pathmark, and we were SOLD, son:

Carmen Electra? Sweet. Cheri Oteri? Okay. Tori Spelling? Awesome. Jamie Kennedy? Yay. Robert Wagner? Fuck yeah. So it's essentially a Shoney's salad bar of random actors in what appears to be a cheeky, coming-of-age comedy.

The excellent blurb from the back:

Who is Sol Goode? Sol Goode (pronounced "good") is the man! Sol and his boys live in the lap of luxury. They have everything going for them except real jobs, steady relationships and money! The charm, good looks and fast-talk have carried Sol and his friends through life, but his luck may have just run out. After a string of bad luck leaves him facing eviction, a wrecked car and the threat of actually having to get off his butt to work for a living, Sol finally figures out what the meaning of life is. He is in love with his best friend Chloe. She's beautiful, smart and is the only one who doesn't fall for his 'game'! Now he's on a quest to win her heart. Whether you're crude, lewd, or just a slacker dude it's ....SOL GOODE!

So right when he's about to learn about personal responsibility, he falls in love with his best friend? Huh? What does that have anything to do with anything? I cannot WAIT to watch this.

Aiming For 300

Pictured above, Jesus goes bowling with a toddler's head.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Words of Wisdom From the Underground

Pictured above, a grouping that didn't make sense until I really thought about it.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

And Now, Ugly Andrew Gall With How To Travel During a Heat Wave

I've recently married Ugly Megan and went on an ugly honeymoon, so this advice comes fresh from my experiences:

One of the worst things that can happen during a heat wave while traveling is an automotive breakdown, so when things heat up be sure to check your car’s coolant levels, oil, tire pressure and the like. And if you have any concerns about the state of your vehicle’s durability, hunker down somewhere until cooler weather returns.

It goes without saying you’ll want to stay hydrated, so buy a styrofoam cooler and fill it with ice and cold drinks— especially healthy ones that aren’t too loaded with sugar. Cold packs can also come in handy, especially if you don’t have the luxury of air conditioning all the time. And try to drink at least eight cold glasses of water every day! Eat smaller meals and eat more often, which is easier on your system than just having three large meals a day.

Follow these easy rules, and you too can have a nice ugly time in these fine United States that we call America.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The EADJ Crappinema Presents Da Station

Remember that great show "WKRP?" And the urban comedy smash "Barbershop?" Well, the makers of Da Station saw them, too, and figured they could make something as good or better. Problem is nobody amongst them knew how to write dialogue. Or a plot. Or knew how to type it up on the computer. Or knew how to fix the printer once the "low ink" light came on. So the movie was pretty much a neato premise with an impressive cast that slowly falls apart due to no story. By the end, it's such a flaccid pigfuck that I'm surprised anyone showed up at the last day.

And with all hip hoppers, it always ends in violence (did white guys write this?).

(Click to play)
$5 to anyone who can decipher what these two guys are mumbling.

So by this point, the filmmakers were throwing pretty much everything against the wall to make the movie interesting. One of the things they threw was a Miss Big Booty '96 pageant full of more terrible stereotypes! Yay!

(Click to play)

When you're writing a comedy ("urban" or not), I understand that you often have to create broad characters and situations to get the funny. But to have two types of characters: the jackass clown and the straight, boring one who isn't a jackass clown, you're just being lazy.

Overall grade: F