Thursday, March 26, 2015

What Morgan Freeman's Disembodied Heads Were Thinking In All Those Movie Posters

Editor's Note: Feel free to read all of these with Morgan Freeman's voice in mind. Not like you have a choice.

"So she's related to those country music Judds. Why isn't she in the group, too? I wonder if she's acting because she can't sing..."

"These pen-lights that they're shining on our faces is basically the most light I've seen shooting this dang film."

"Can spider's bite through beards? Hope not."

"An action/disaster film starring Christian Slater? The joke's on you, viewing public!"

"Maybe if I can get her to hum a few bars of something, I could tell if she's off pitch or the like."

"This is one fucked up version of 'The Brady Bunch' opening credits."

"Glasses. They don't make me look distinguished. They make me look like I've falling asleep reading Parade Magazine. Come on, now."

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

The NJ Transit Survey Brochure Models: What Would They Drive?

It certainly has been a long enough time (June 2014, to be exact) since we visited the models in the baffling NJ Transit brochure. Today we ponder the question, if they didn't have to ride on a commuter train to work, what type of car would these motherfuckers drive? Here now is a fun, rhetorical exercise:

1. Jesse: 1972 Cutlass Supreme

The rugged lines and powerful motor of the 1972 Cutlass Supreme would go to waste with Jesse as its owner, whose slack ass would turn it quickly into a "hoarder car" filled with cheeseburger wrappers.

2. Jess: 1997 Pontiac Grand Am

An average gal like Jess, driving an average, champagne (!) colored piece of shit Pontiac? That seems about right.

3. Angie: 2009 Bugatti Veyron 16.4 Grand Sport

What can we say? Angie applies herself.

4. Trina: 1993 Chevy Lumina Van (Blue)

One would think with cleavage flashing like that, that Trina would end up with a nicer car. But here's what you don't understand: Trina has a bad back from her boobs and needs to load groceries from Costco without straining. It's a medical thing. Try not to judge.

5. Don With The Thumbs: 2003 Ford Taurus

Who's got two thumbs and tools around in an unremarkable rental car? THIS GUY

6. Simon Peter: Goat Cart, Circa 1926

Simon Peter is a suck-up and an idiot. This is what he deserves. Fuck him.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

An Interesting Bloke I Spotted On the Subway

I noticed on the subway that this dude was intently writing something in his journal.

Upon closer inspection, it appears he was drawing either a complex doodle or something beyond normal human comprehension.

So either this guy is completely off his nut or has just solved our dependence on foreign oil forever. Maybe both.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of March 16

The following nontrending hashtags have NOT gone viral, have NOT been flooding Twitter's servers and have NOT been "a part of the conversation." So do with them what you will:


Monday, March 16, 2015

An (Incomplete) List of Programs No Longer Available on Netflix

Last month, Netflix announced that their contract for a lot of programming on their streaming service expires today. Here is a non-comprehensive list of titles that are no longer watchable on Netflix:

TV Series

Chestmate, starring Kat Dennings and Sofia Vergara
The Bachelor Whisperer
Nick Offerman Taking A Deuce At Your Favorite Restaurants
CSI: Hollywood Movie Stars' Careers Post Mortem Unit
America's Got Butter
Oz & Phil: The Two Hack Doctors
Ken Burns' "History of Rice"
Ultimate Fighter Championship VIII: Why Don't They Just Start Fucking Already
The Duggars: Still Dilatin'
Jon and Kate Plus 8 Minus Jon Minus Anyone Caring Anymore
Pawn Tits


Both Movies Bruce Willis Didn't Hold a Gun In
Veggie Tales: All Green Orgy
Stratego, directed by Peter Berg
Yahtzee, directed by Peter Berg
Hungry Hungry Hippos, directed by Peter Berg
Michael Bay's Little Women
The Ron Jeremy Yardwork Files
Turds II
Evite: the Movie starring Reese Witherspoon and Josh Hartnett
Chex Cereal, the Movie, directed by Peter Berg
Untitled Sequel To The Love Guru
Pawn Tits: The Motion Picture Event

Monday, March 9, 2015

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Historians cannot agree whether Benjamin Franklin killed one or two guys in prison.

"Blur out that model's pussy and asshole, then put an X to censor the word 'SHIT.' We're trying to release a family friendly mixtape here, fellas."

Ms. Dalton regretted volunteering to chaperone the field trip to the museum.

"Over here, Dej. The camera's right here... no, you went to far to the left. Move your head over here to the right... no, too far again...Maybe you should take off the goddamned sunglasses."


"Fabolous, I served with Dr. Dre. I knew Dr. Dre. Dr. Dre was a friend of mine. Fabolous, you're no Dr. Dre."

"Over here, guys. The camera's over here. No, over here. Oh, for cryin' out loud..."

"L'Algerino, do you have to go to the bathroom? Which is it, a number one or a number two?"

Nothing says hip hop like a word cloud in the shape of an off-the-air TV show.

Historians also disagree over which floating Mexican cartel Benjamin Franklin sold drugs for.

"Perico Boyz? T Millz? Sorry, guys, none of you are on the list. Please step to the side of the ropes."

No change. This is easily the best Photoshop job I have ever seen on a hip hop mixtape.

Possibly the worst headline the Dove ad campaign has ever run.

Hey idiot, you're so high that you're trying to make a call on a stack of fivers.