Wednesday, October 27, 2010

A Moviegoing Tip

If you see this on the screen in a movie theatre, you're not supposed to be:

This is the screen that should be immediately replaced by that familiar green screen saying "The following PREVIEW has been reviewed for ALL AUDIENCES" which leads into the trailers. If the above screen is still there after 2 minutes, something is terribly amiss in your theatre.

Like the projectionist is busy texting his buddies about the kegger at Joey Carmichael's basement on Thursday. Or that the kid who usually just tears tickets is trying to work a $50,000 piece of projection equipment. Or that someone in the projection room IS DEAD.

Whatever the reason is, you should be howling your disapproval at being forced to watch this screen, especially after having watched the weak-ass Powerpoint movie trivia slides that make up "The AMC Moviewatcher Network." (Unscramble these letters to spell out a star's name: OTM ANHSK)

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Wotta Guy

Barry and I were walking on 3rd Avenue and spotted this guy lounging on a bench, wearing a t-shirt that said, "Buy A Donkey."

"Buy A Donkey?!" What the hell could that mean? Is that some obscure street lingo? Is it an ad asking you to contribute to the Democratic party? Or to really purchase a donkey for whatever reason? Whatever the answer, the guy wearing the shirt was perfectly comfortable not explaining himself. Not that we asked.

Monday, October 25, 2010

George Lucas Can Sniff My Taint.

I was at the New York Comicon the other week, and I spotted this gigantic display selling a collection of Star Wars books called "Frames." Inside each leather-bound book are hundreds of frames from the Star Wars movies "personally selected by George Lucas." Price tag? Three fucking grand.

Now, those of you who know me know that I'm a pretty huge Star Wars fan. But you know what else I'm a fan of? Not being constantly ripped off by every one of George Lucas' money-grubbing schemes. Like the re-re-release of the trilogy in 3D. Or this "Frames" horseshit.

Lucas makes a shit-ton of money already off the extended merchandising of these beloved movies. Every character imaginable has an action figure now. There's even a Space Slug Oven Mitt. Really. So why does he feel the need to sell this high-end flim-flammery?

"How can you be a Star Wars fan and object to Star Wars merchandising?" you may ask. Well, I don't object to the merchandise– I have a roomful of boxes of that stuff in my man room. I'm just offended that Lucas isn't satisfied with just selling R2D2 trash cans and video games based on Lego toys based on Star Wars. He's gotta sell high-end "collectibles" for "true" fans.

And this love that fans have is something George Lucas feels the need to regulate: he's been notoriously litigious when it comes to individuals making "Star Wars" musicals or fan films. If you want to express your love for Star Wars, it should be in payment form, directly to Lucasfilm.

So go ahead and buy "Frames" if you want. Then you and 1137 other "true fans" can eat ramen noodles while jerking each other off to the Ewok celebration theme song.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Don't Tell The Wife

PIctured above, 14 of the 18 scratches on the car explained.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The Disintegrating Remains of An Ancient Sumerian Tablet

More than 4,000 years ago the valleys of the Tigris and Euphrates rivers gave birth to great civilizations--first the Sumerian, then the Babylonian, Assyrian, Chaldean, and Persian empires. Here too, excavations have unearthed evidence of great skill and artistry.

From Sumeria have come examples of fine works in marble, diorite, hammered gold, and lapis lazuli. Here is a recently discovered Sumerian writing tablet, crudely carved from marble:

Scholars say that this Sumerian writing tablet is the first application of written language towards early engineering– the tablet contains never-before-seen etchings of plans to build a hollowed-out wooden boat. Historians are quick to note that this writing predates the earliest blueprints in ancient China.

No, wait a minute. That's actually Andrew's old-ass wallet that's held together with electrical tape and luck.


Friday, October 15, 2010

The Source Is Either Racist Or Truly Understands Young Black Men

Spotted in the latest issue of The Source, a series of strip ads for Colgate that are tips on "How To Keep It Fresh:"
Tips that include using the product...

Complimenting your date...

Paying for the check...the WHOLE check...

What?! Did a major toothpaste brand just say that black men were cheap?

Yes, I think they just did say that black men were cheap. And that black people don't have noses, either. And that a black man smiling resembles a brown motorcycle helmet.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

My Favorite Guy At The NJ Train Station, Part II

Back in May, I spotted him wearing a Dio tracket. And this what I spotted him wearing last week:

Shit, I think I'm in love.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Carolyn Kinder Could Give A Shit.

Look. I've put out these candle holders. They're okay. Not my best work, but whatever. They're cherry with some chrome finishes on the top. I mean they'll class up your place a little, but I'm not promising anything.

My agent wanted me to start selling these things at Target and Home Depot. So okay, sure. No big deal. Knock yourself out. Go to town on it.

So when all my interior design colleagues started hating on me, saying stupid shit like I've "sold out" or that I'm "contributing to the mainstreaming of mediocre design" (nice one, Interiors Magazine), I'm like, whatever people. You're just jealous that I've turned my brand into actual cash. Not like you, Maggie Stonewall. How's that strip mall store going for you? Yeah, I thought so, you cow.

You know what? Fuck the haters. I put my name on some admittedly generic candle holders, but it's more than you've ever done in your life. Who are you to judge me? Whatever.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Why There Are Seatbelts In the Back of Cabs

"I'll just get out here. No, don't bother slowing down... I'll just roll out."

An Open Letter From A Cat To Its Owner Who Bought a CatNix® Workspace Partition, As Seen In The Latest Issue of SkyMall

Okay, I get it. You want to be left alone to work on your spreadsheets or expense reports or whatever. That's cool. I realize that whenever you're working on your laptop or computer, that I can't expect for you to drop everything just to pet my head or scratch the part on my back towards the tail that makes me arch my butt. But I as a cat have needs, too.

I just bother you once in a while when I feel like you haven't paid enough attention to me. That can't be more frequently than every hour or so– no big deal. Just my way of checking in with you and saying hello. And you have shooed me away or picked me up and set me on the floor enough times where I get the hint and leave you alone for a while. We're all adults here.

So when you went and bought the CatNix® Workspace Partition after seeing it in the SkyMall catalog, I knew something in our relationship was terribly wrong. This was essentially an act of war.

I mean, look at this thing. There's a solid piece of PLEXIGLASS between you and me now. I feel like I'm at a goddamned hockey game. Ridiculous.

And don't think I'm not agile enough to simply bound over these partitions onto your keyboard. You've seen me reach the top of the pantry door from the kitchen counter. I'll fucking do it if I have to. It's more the sheer gesture of literally setting up walls between you and me. That's the part that really hurts. It's just a big "fuck you" to yours truly.

Remember, you have responsibilities as my owner, too. Just because you open a can of food for me and change my litter box doesn't mean your job is done: I crave serious emotional support, too, dummy. Hell, I'm already there for you, always. Who was there for you when that Sicilian girl stood you up? Who listened to you bitch about your crappy mid-level executive job this last year? The same job you're devoting more time to than stroking me? You forgetful putz.

And did you have to shell out $37.99 (plus shipping) of your hard earned money just to shut me out like that? That's just downright wasteful. With that money you could score some serious high-end cat toys and a laser pointer. But I guess that didn't cross your mind, did it?

Also, who the fuck is this guy?

Learn to appreciate what's around you before what's around you scratches your fucking eyes out while you sleep.

Fuck you,
Wally the Cat

Monday, October 11, 2010

Racist Appliances Return!

Way back in March, we introduced the Racist Appliances, a segment that ran for only a couple of entries.

Out of a lack of anything better to blog about, here we revisit those biased household electronics: