Smecial Dreams Mini-Entry

A segment where we all share our hopes, dreams, and... no wait. Just our dreams.

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

More mixtape covers that make you go, hmmmm:

"Before I take the picture, would you like to watch 'Emily In Paris' on Netflix with me?"

This looks like a used cheeseburger wrapper but I like it.

Oh thank goodness I snagged the deluxe edition, or else I'd be stuck with crap.

Tony Stark's old Iron Man suits are being chopped and blinged out over at West Coast Customs. 

If this is hanging on the wall, someone nearby is enjoying a margarita.

If this is hanging on the wall, someone nearby is enjoying cocaine.

EADJ: Where Are They Now? Entry 2

 Previous "Where Are They Now?" entry here.

Former 80s swimsuit model Ginger Cuts left the world of fashion to get married and start her own Etsy velcro patch empire. She is currently the reigning queen of unlicensed Ghostbusters PVC patches. 

Vigoro Mulch walked away from a rising career in Hollywood as a leading man and action star to start a pony farm in West Virginia. He currently lives in a cabin with no toilet but with four above-ground pools.

Whatever happened to Chakra Reiki? Her bestselling children's spiritual books are still sold worldwide, but Chakra doesn't collect any royalties. She now runs one of those bars where you throw axes at a wall, and apparently business is doing pretty well. 

Taveta Golden Weaver was widely known as the crown princess of YouTube life hacks, but she got bored after 1 year and is now a Formula 1 racer, having almost placed in the Spanish Grand Prix and is getting ready for the Emilia Romagna GP. We wish her luck!

Herb Stripper was a moderately successful prop comic in the 90s and is credited for creating the "balloons-for-balls" gag that every comic uses nowadays. These days, Herb has taught himself how to pour fancy resin end tables for rich clients. He still performs when he's drunk.

Parabolic Troffer peaked in the NFL with the Pittsburgh Steelers in 2003, having a reputation as a tight end capable of being a dynamic receiver—especially down the field when playing with a franchise quarterback—but that quality came with an inability to handle the blocking demands of the position and with a reputation for dropping passes. Troffer now sings soprano in his church choir and sells his autograph on eBay.

Potty Peg used to be the bitch who picked on you in middle school. Now she's Vice President of a venture capital consortium that just bought out the company you work for—and you're fired. POTTY PEG!

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Shell Pecans

Pecans are great for snacking, baking or just snacking. Did I say snacking twice? Jesus, this medication is fucking me up. Anyways, here are some quick steps to shelling pecans:

1) Place the nut between the arms of a nutcracker and squeeze gently until you hear it crack. Don't squeeze too hard, or you will break the nut meat inside.

2) Rotate the nut between the arms of the nutcracker and squeeze again. Continue rotating and squeezing along the length of the nut until the shell becomes loose enough to remove.

3) Separate the nut meat from the shell and you're done!

4) Read the directions on your prescription drugs before taking too much, especially before driving your limo on a job.

Stay safe, kids.

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Flying Lotus uses unconventional tools to edit his tracks.

I NEED A HAIRCUT

Thought this was a Squidbilly at first.

Pinups will forever tease you without showing actual vag.

The skeksis took one whiff of the incense and called down.

Oh look. Your dormitory RA's bulletin board from college.

I know exactly what this music will sound like.

Most Likely To Share 18 Collabo Tracks Without Releasing Their Own Album

These are all the people you slept with in 2019. And they're horny now.

Go Borrowed Interest, Go!

This is interesting. Not thrilled about staring into an armpit, though.

The Answers To A Quiz You Took in 2nd Grade

Sorry it took so long, but here are the answers to a math quiz you took in 2nd Grade. Your teacher Ms. Yancey apologizes. You must get your graded quizzes signed by one of your parents by Tuesday.

1. 5

2. 12

3. 8 or 9

4. Ω

5. fourteenth

6. Richard Pryor

7. √44

8. -2

9. "Faith" by George Michael

10. .00000000000000000000000000000003

UAG

More Dumb Taglines For A Forgotten Movie That Sounded Terrible Anyway

Yet Even More Terrible Porn Names

Before joining the porn industry, a lot of "hopefuls" think they need a big dong or some gigantic boobs to get started. And that's true, but you also need a catchy porn name. Something that sets you apart but isn't your real name, because who wants pervs showing up at your front door? Here now are some available porn names that you're free to use in your porn career. But keep in mind that like you, they will suck:

Him

Ty Tasshole

Little Lord Fondlemyballs

Q. Anon

Taika Bigshitonmychest

(your actual Social Security number)

Her

Shaquila Sunrise

Manda Lorian

Braxton Hicks Contractions

Medula Oblongottahaveit

Midi Chlorine

Sara Tonin

The EADJ Fashion Roundup: Special Unintentional Star Trek Edition

The following are all examples of clothes that unintentionally looked like they were from Star Trek:

"Wrath of Khan" look from the movie "Suspiria":

"The Next Generation" look from the last administration (yuck):

And from across the pond:

The Original Series look from a nearby track (complete with tricorders):

Live long and prosper, accidental Trekkies!

Don’t Walk Behind Me, I May Not Lead. Don’t Walk In Front of Me, I May Not Follow. Just Walk Beside Me and Be My Pathmark

This is an especially short one because I haven't been to a Pathmark in over a year because of the pandemic. These were submitted by Emily Kane:

Some New Documentaries To Watch On The Documentaries Channel

Previous documentaries entry here.

The launch of the Documentaries Channel has been a rousing success! People are watching fewer scripted and reality shows to curl up with a good ol' piece of stylized, biased non-journalism set to foreboding music! Here now are the latest offerings from the Documentaries Channel, streaming today:

• The History of the "You Got Something On Your Shirt" Gag and Why It Endures

• Roles That Eric Roberts Actually Turned Down

• Wind: What Is It?

• Why Lesbians Seem To Love The Whack-A-Mole Arcade Game

• "You: What The Fuck Is Your Problem?" An Expose

• Buskers Whose Music We Stole To Score Our Documentary On Buskers

• The Definitive History of Rashes

• Robodoc, the Documentary of Robocop. Oh, you think I'm kidding?

• Remote Learning and How Schoolyard Bullies Are Adjusting

• How TikTok Dances Contribute To Global Warming

• Three Guys Named Jeff Who Have Worked At a Medieval Times

UAG

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"Is that a horn in your pants?"

"Yes."

*shoots foot*

Anthony Hopkins: "Ah, yes... Trust is reciprocal, you see. It goes both ways... That's what the word 'reciprocal' means. I'm required to explain this because some people watching won't know it."

*shoots guy who shot his own foot*

♪ She gets too hungry, for dinner at three

She loves Transformers but not Bumblebee

 Doesn't have Netflix but still has Qui-bi

 That's why the lady is a square ♪

"You just farted. Can I crack a window?"

"Before I can see you, do you have what robo-insurance do you have?"

"MORTAL KOMBAT!" (yelled by old lady)

(in Mid Atlantic accent) "I bet yer one of those fellas that say 'no' to gals all the time. Telling them they can't do this or can't do that. Well, let me tell ya buster, I'm my own woman and don't have to listen to you or any other man or woman or robot or anything that can talk to tell me what I can or can't do. You hear me? I'm going to light and smoke this cigarette right here no matter what anybody tells me!"

"What death salad dressing would you like on your death salad?"

"Oh shoot. I thought you asked me to PRESS THE BREAK. My bad."

"Enough with the cheeky double entendres. LET'S FUCK!"