Tomorrow: The Triumpant Return of 25 Days of Hallmark Movies: An Exclusive EADJ Month-Long Event

When this segment debuted last year, it was so successful and such a major pain in the ass that we had to do it again: watch 24 Hallmark Christmas movies and write a EADJ Crappinema-style summary every day leading up to Christmas. Watch this space for Yuletide stilted rom com snarkery!

We Asked 4 Single Orcs From Middle Earth, "What Do You Look For In A First Date?"

"Well, first off, one of the things I'm definitely not looking for is to be a replacement in a rebound situation. You'd be shocked how many people enter the dating scene too soon!"

- Muzgash, 73

"I like first dates with no pressure. And that can even mean having other people around to keep it light and not too focused on the one-on-one. And if that doesn't count as a date date, sue me!"

- Ohomdud, 89

"I'm a hopeless romantic, so even at my age I'm looking for that spark, you know? That tingly feeling you get when you just click with that special someone. Also, I enjoy disemboweling as an activity."

- Vambag, 136

"I know this won't be a very popular answer, but I put zero faith in first dates; it's on the second and third one where the magic really happens, where you can zero in on someone's vibe and know their rhythms and quirks. It's probably around the fifth date where I reveal that I work for Sauron– not exactly something you advertise on dating apps!"

- Eichelberbog, 94

6 Lies Told By The "Safe Handling Of Take Out Foods" Brochure

1) Paper bags aren't usually big or strong enough to hold an entire chicken. Also, who the shit slices pizza that way?

2) "Keep HOT Food HOT! Keep COLD food COLD!"

Also, MEN should marry WOMEN! And WOMEN in skirts are ASKING FOR IT!

3) "If you are not eating take-out or delivered food immediately, follow these guidelines to make sure the food remains safe for you to eat at a later time."

The question that should be asked is, why did you order food if you weren't going to immediately eat it, you indecisive wastoid? Lay off the pipe and eat your Reuben while it's hot.

4) "Inspected for wholesomeness." That means they served it at a Mormon sock hop and measured the number of "gee-willikers" in the responses.

5) If you've got 5 day old egg salad lying around, you deserve to die.

6) "Salads made with mayonnaise do not freeze well." Bullshit. It freezes great- it just tastes like yak ass after thawing later.

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EADJ is proud to announce the 6 Lies Bordeux, bottled exclusively in Central New Jersey.

Full-bodied with herbal notes, this white or red wine (I forget which) boasts a soft, less tannic flavor than a Cabernet sauvignon. Pairs well with a hoagie or cocaine.

Even More Improbable Taglines For a Z-List Movie Whose Theatres Drifters Sat In Only To Masturbate In

A Few More Awful But Available Porn Names

So you want to get into porn but need a name? Boy, is this your lucky day. Here are some free, available (but fucking awful) porn handles you can call dibs on for your next adult film production:


HIM

Nutt Allergies
Vance Deferens
Pygmy Ween
Seacrest In
Noah Downside
Iam Groot

HER

Valpak
Dee Pinside
Unwanta Pregnancy
Ginger Vitis
Greta Thisinthemorning
Ella VaRash

UAG

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of November 19, 2018

Bigamy is the act of going through a marriage ceremony while already married to another person. I'm not sure what that has anything to do with unpopular Twitter hashtags, but I got bored writing the same intro for this segment. Here are hashtags nobody uses:

#haggissliders

#Trumpdignity

#cornbreadfarts

#DoratheColonizer

#bitcoinphilanthropist

#Napasoulmusicfestival

#thisiswhyIgotintoembalming

#whyyesIdlovetotakeashortsurveyforyou

#learningsomethingfromaFacebookargument

#caughtbetweenarockandaslightlysofterrockbutstillaprettyhardplace

The Very First EADJ State of The Blog Status

Blogger provides a few stats for the remaining blogs that are out there, and we'd like to share with you some of the info we found about Eat A Dick Joel:

Pageviews today: 27

Pageviews last month: 3,385

Pageviews all time history: 507,660

And wanna see the EADJ post that boasts a staggering 17,443 views? Here it is.

Then they show stats of pageviews of individual entries, but not all of them. For obvious reasons a 2008 joke entry about the 4 ladies in that old "Haulin' Ass" poster had a whopping 48 pageviews, mostly from the real disgruntled models, according to the (now deleted) comments.

What countries pageviews originated from is sorta interesting. The second most frequent visitors are Italians? Then from the Ukraine and Russia (maybe hackers trying to influence the next EADJ election)? 

We have two followers as of this writing. 

All this information is lovely but mostly useless about a useless blog. What a time to be alive.

The ProofrEADJer: Almost Thanksgiving Edition

And one from my cousin Melissa:

New Rewards Benefits For AMC Stubs Members

The benefits just keep adding up for both new and existing AMC Stubs cardholders! Here are the latest perks you can enjoy at your next trip to an AMC Theatre:

• We'll rearrange the marquee letters outside to display your Social Security number

• If you don't like a movie, we will supply you with a $1.8 million budget with cast and crew to shoot your own version.

• Free nasty, germy 3D glasses that have probably sat on the head of some brat with lice

• Free refills of Absolut Vodka if you purchase a bottle at the AMC bar

• Trent in the concession stand would love to discuss Sean Hannity with you if you would ever want to discuss Sean Hannity with someone.

• 1/2 off all plot twists and MacGuffins

• If you are caught videotaping a movie in the theatre for illegal distribution, we will simply tut-tut and wag our finger at you.

• Do you like cheese? Because I do, too.

• Your own personalized emergency exit

• Free funeral if you die, but the coffin must be AMC-branded

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto Explains The 7 Ways That Skeletal Muscles Are Named

There are actually 8 main criteria in naming skeletal muscles:

1) Size (gluteus maximus)

2) Shape (trapezius)

3) Orientation of the muscle fibers (rectus abdominis)

4) Mechanical action of the muscles (flexor muscles)

5) Number of origins of a muscle (and yes, muscles can have more than one origin) (biceps, triceps, etc.)

6) The points of origin and insertion (sternocleidomastoid)

7) Name of the muscle function (The risorius is a facial muscle that is crucial for the expressions of smiling and laughter. Risorius comes from the Latin word risus, which means "laugh.")

8) The muscle's location (The temporalis muscle is named after the temporal bone (your temple) on top of which it is located).

And speaking of skeletal, when my limousine drivers and I are short-staffed and running on the barest of skeleton crews, please allow an extra 10 minutes for us rather than canceling and using Uber or Lyft instead. Stay safe, kids!

Fiverr Comes Through Yet Again

You may remember an earlier post about Fiverr, and I considered getting an EADJ brutal death metal logo. Well, here it is.

A brutal death metal logo to go with my Eat A Dick Joel metal scream? Yes please!

And within a few days, I got my glorious EADJ metal logo:

Illegible and definitely not huggable! BRUTAL!

Here Are Your Job Numbers For November 13, 2018

Hello everybody! It's Sam from Sam's Sandwichery downstairs. I cater sandwiches for all your client meetings and whatnot. The CEO asked me to send out the job numbers for this week since she couldn't be in the office today. There will also be sandwiches in the Fish Bowl for you but ONLY AFTER you complete your timesheets for the week. That was the deal. Also, please take only the mayo packets you know you're going to use. Some of you are stealing a bunch of them downstairs, and I don't appreciate it.

Anyway, here are the job numbers you are supposed to use:


360278: Pretending to give a shit how somebody's weekend was

042490: Gazpacho

662755: Reaching for a landline phone that isn't there anymore

821217: Giving it to her good

600003: Checking for testicular cancer in the elevator

474201: Wondering who stole your Han Solo figure

361755: Sneaking that 4K Smart TV past security

825556: Talking about your shitty musical taste with that other cocksucker your age

022192: Reminiscing over you, my god

925944: Stealing mayo packets at Sam's Sandwichery

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Pathmark

Building Dome Was Scared: An EADJ Christmas Special

Building Dome was scared.

Buck-toothed TP Dispenser felt bad.

Printer Paper Tray Guide was upset.

Lemons and Containers sat next to each other, screaming.

Refrigerator Magnet was sad that his black nipples had to show.

Bound and Gagged Register Plug struggled to get  help.

Recycling Bin bellowed for everyone to get together.

Speakers and TV loudly invited everyone over.

Parking Meter smiled at the turnout.

Powerbeats3 Wireless Earphones smiled as well.

S&M Thomas the Tank Engine made an appearance.

So did Donald J. Trump, the president of the United States.

Best part of all, Man-Thing showed up!

Someone brought a pony with an upside down face.

Tarp and Brackets was positively thrilled.

And everyone took selfies afterward. Merry Christmas!