Thursday, March 31, 2011

Not Maturing Any

Pictured above, proof that I should never be allowed in a Babies R Us.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Sometimes Lobsterfest Just Wants You To Lobsterfest

Red Lobster's juggernaut Lobsterfest® chugs on like a bloated, hairless freight train of meat, and if you haven't caught the action yet, there's still plenty of ways to enjoy the amazing lobster-filled delicacies we're offering this week! Try these latest ways (with some help from Andrew Gall):

• We hold a special “dinner and a show event” titled “My Dinner with Lobster.” Each table enjoys the pleasure of a lobster conveying all of his or her problems through a series of clicks. The lobster winds up becoming so comfortable in a diner’s company he or she begins to over-share, bringing up that one time in the park. Afterwards, everyone enjoys the therapeutic feeling that hey, we’ve all got problems! And that’s just another fantastic way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• A 30-megaton bomb filled with deadly radiation, cornbread and some lobster meat is dropped in the middle of a major metropolitan area near you. Survivors of the blast are given the grave responsibility of rebuilding their civilization with whatever has withstood the bombing but have the luxury of eating nothing but delicious, buttery lobster and cornbread! Okay, that seems like another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• A man, a plan, a canal, Lobsterfest®!

• We hire Grammy-winning recording artist Nelly to accompany you and your family to the restaurant, where he orders "Lobsterr" for all of you, even though your mother clearly and emphatically stated she just wanted a salad. Now, doesn't that sound like a terrific, delicious way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster?

• We shout the praises of Lobsterfest from the rooftops in the form of our very own spokesperson, Mr. Lobster Shingles! Mr. Lobster Shingles (hereafter referred to as MLS—catchy!) storms the lobster-imbibing scene nightly, singing and generally tap dancing about the restaurant. When it looks like a patron is done with his or her plate of succulent lobster, that’s when MLS takes charge, calling attention to said patron with a dance and shimmy best described as “inspiring.” Each time, the MLS spectacle ends with a chant, making the patron feel so bad, he or she will finish the lobster without another word. Oh, and MLS happens to have authentic shingles strapped to his shoulders. Just another way to enjoy delicious lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Announcing The Newest Addition To EADJ's "Blackberry Face" Series

EADJ is proud to present our latest acquisition, "Tony"

"Tony" boasts an undeniable tension in composition through the subject's posture and concentrated expression. The bond between machine and man is overwhelming here, signifying an unbreakable relationship and co-dependence. "Tony" measures 57" by 78" and is lovingly mounted on acid-free archival watercolor paper.

"Tony" joins "Maggie" and "Frank" in EADJ's private collection. Showings can be scheduled between 10am and 4pm, Mon-Thurs, (excluding holidays) at the Kunst Room at the McGrath/Jensen Library. No food or drink is allowed.


Monday, March 28, 2011

Welcome To My World.

An IM from J'Net, which reminded me of a certain scene in "Lost In Translation:"

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Oh, Splendid.

Spotted in my room at the W in Austin, Texas, some eerie wallpaper:

It's very similar to the rug in "The Shining."

Not a pattern you want to see in a hotel. Especially when covered in what looks like cocaine and bloodstains.

Why can't my hotel room be more like "Eyes Wide Shut," instead?

Monday, March 21, 2011


Spotted on the NJ Transit train this morning, a man absolutely exhilarated by the Lifestyle section of the paper.

Bravo, Garfield! Good show!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

My Mom Hates Talking Politics

Here my parents talk real estate, the Unabomber, and the Unabomber's brother. And being the evil shit that I am, I steer the conversation towards politics- which my mother hates- causing her to turn on the radio. Let's watch!

Whenever A Door Closes...

I happened by 41st Street yesterday and noticed that The Old Bridge Deli is no more. In its place is "Everyday Gourmet Deli." Crappy name. Under new management, I guess.

The first question I had was answered immediately with a sign out front:

FUCK YES. I guess we'll be trying out an old favorite in the new joint! No word yet on if they still have the random, vandalizable fountain upstairs. Stay tuned on whether we'll move Project Fountain to phase 3.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Introducing: The EADJ Facebook Defriender




When it comes to Facebook postings, we at EADJ we believe in the "3 Strikes" rule; everyone gets several passes when it comes to posting stupid stuff on their Walls. But even we have our limits, which is why we've started the EADJ Facebook Defriender: a way for us to prune the tree of digital friendship when certain branches get annoying as shit.

This first pruning is our friend K_______ from ___________, who we know from _________. We posted some time ago when we noticed that K_______ uploaded very sexualized drawings of Betty Boop as their profile pic, in addition to posting every Farmville acquisition or horoscope she got daily. That's strike one.

Recently, they decided to post every music video that Nickelback ever produced. All at once.

Strike two. Then ON THE SAME DAY, when they ran out of Nickelback, they started posting music videos by Creed:


Auf Wiedersehen, K_______! Don't let the door hit your creepy cartoon ass on the way out!


Thursday, March 10, 2011

Let's Spray Pam All Over The EADJ Mail Sack!

Given to me by J'Net, some nice embossed cards for me to leave on other cars in parking lots around Jersey:

I even read them in her voice.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Just When You Thought We Were Through With "Jeremy's Family Reunion."

Here's that clip of the dance party without any music:

And here we've added some music so that it's not so ridiculous:

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Coming "Soon" To the EADJ Crappinema: Ten Inch Hero

Despite the overtly phallic title, "Ten Inch Hero" is a coming of age movie about a group of lovable losers running a "hip submarine sandwich shop" in Santa Cruz, which could easily be the premise for a teen series on TeenNick. But when the tagline to a movie is as awful as "Stop by, grab a sandwich, fall in love," there's pretty much no resisting watching it. And the fact that this is a "Blockbuster Exclusive" movie makes it a collector's item. A rare gem that you could only watch when everything else has been rented out already.

Who's holding the radioactive white rose? Why is the actual DVD cheaper than an Italian sub? And do they really need that many frying pans to make a simple subway sandwich? See? I'm already interested.

Monday, March 7, 2011

EADJ Crappinema Recap for Jeremy's Family Reunion

So "Jeremy's Family Reunion" did pretty well overall compared to other Crappinema movies- it's easily the top-rated movie in both the comedy and "urban" movie categories, which is surprising, because I hated it. I guess I just hated all the other ones more.

Still, it's gonna be hard to not hate a movie as much as I didn't hate "Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus." That movie was almost awesome.

The EADJ Crappinema FINALLY Reviews "Jeremy's Family Reunion"

We totally lied back in June of last year when we said this review was "coming soon." It's now March, and we finally release another disappointing EADJ segment making fun of a crappy movie you've never heard of. Let me tell you, I have no excuse for not delivering this sooner, and I promise to deliver the next EADJ Crappinema entry in a shorter timeframe than it takes to gestate a goddamned baby.

And the production values drop 4000% from the menu screen once you click on the "play" button.

Don't believe me? Here's the scene (rebroadcast for review purposes only):

The movie ends in a montage showing what happens to each character, since I guess they ran out of film- er, videotape:

Low budget movie with low production values and low humor, with a main character that doesn't learn anything, other than not to trust white women. Even the old platitude about "family comes first" wasn't even served up, which I guess is to the writer's credit. Overall, I feel like I've just attended a family reunion with cardboard standees, and someone never bothered to even turn on any music.

Overall grade: F