Friday, December 30, 2011

Hot N' Crusty

Spotted at Panera Bread, a brochure that features a baker offering you his bread.

Well, not just offering the bread. He's thrusting the bread at you, telling you to take it, yeah, just take all that bread, baby. Take it all in. Ungh. Ungh. Now cup the muffins. Both of them. Yeah, now eat the sourdough bread. Lick the tip. Put the whole thing in your mouth. Yeahhh. Ahhh, the loaf is rising... ahhh... ah.... almost there... I'm... I'm glazing! GAHHHHHH!

No, I don't want to cuddle.

EADJ's Exclusive Interview With Jillian Michaels' Left Nostril

Eat A Dick Joel recently had the opportunity to sit down with the left nostril of Jillian Michaels, the celebrity fitness trainer from the NBC hit reality show "The Biggest Loser." We interviewed Michaels' left nostril at the Chateau Marmont in Beverly Hills on December 20th.

EADJ: Thanks for sitting down with us.

JMLN: No problem.

EADJ: We've noticed Jillian Michaels isn't with you today.

JMLN: Yes, Jillian is on a media tour promoting the next season of "Losing It With Jillian." I myself had some prior commitments, such as this interview.

EADJ: Well, thank you for that. How has her success affected your relationship with her?

JMLN: (laughs) That's probably the first question I get at every interview. I'm happy for Jillian and don't begrudge her at all. So when people read some of my Tweets (@JillianMichaelsLeftNostril) or overhear me say something about keeping up with her, they automatically think that she and I are on the rocks. That couldn't be anything further from the truth!

EADJ: But you do have your differences...

JMLN: I'm going to just stop you there and say this: when you have two big personalities like hers and mine, you can't help but have a few clashes once in a while. But I realize I'm her left nostril. She can't breathe without me...

EADJ: Actually, she could, from her mouth or her right nostril...

JMLN: (flares) ...My point is that I need her and she needs me. We have a mutual respect for each other and are not staying together just for appearances.

EADJ: I see. So tell us about your own personal projects.

JMLN: Ah, yes. Well, I have my own line of liqueurs and fragrances, and I've just taped a cameo appearance on the NBC show "Whitney."

EADJ: Ooh! I love that show!

JMLN: Also, I'm in talks for the role of the Scarlet Witch in "The Avengers 2" movie (crosses fingers) and I have been asked to ring the opening bell for the New York Stock Exchange next month.

EADJ: Wow. It sounds like you do have a full plate.

JMLN: I know, right? Fame is a funny thing. (picks self)

EADJ: Thank you so much for talking to us today! And give Jillian a hug for us!

JMLN:My pleasure! Thank you!

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Strait Trippin'

We had to use a prop straitjacket (yes, a lot of people spell it 'straight jacket,' but they're wrong) for a work presentation (don't ask), and for only $24.99, you get this pretty convincing, wearable straitjacket, starring Joe Baran on the cover.

And of course, the lawyers for Franco Inc. wouldn't let them sell the jacket without a printed warning:

I don't really understand why you can't wear it while sleeping, but whatever. Not wearing it while crossing the street sort of makes sense. And sure, swimming with one on should only be done by Houdini. But driving?! What kind of person would drive with that stupid thing on? I'll tell you who– a raving maniac who needs to be institutionalized.

Also, eating and drinking? "Good God, man, you'll starve to death that way!"

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Blackberry VI

A mere 37 days after the EADJ Gallery had acquired a fifth invaluable addition to "The Blackberry Face," they witness a holiday miracle in a much sought-after sixth piece to their already impressive collection: "Doug."

"Doug" was donated by an anonymous private collector who discovered him in a West Elm in Paramus, New Jersey. And unlike four of the previous pieces, "Maggie," "Frank," "Tony," and "Edvard," "Doug" is captured off of any mass transit, instead relaxing on a sofa at the front of the store while his wife picks out wall art or vases or some shit.

With a gala opening and ceremony, the EADJ Gallery will reveal its first ever completed hexaptych on January 4 in the Main Gallery and will be free to the public. The Young Artists Juried Show has accordingly been moved to the East Gallery since it wasn't very good to begin with.

Photography and video recording of any kind will be prohibited. Armed guards will be stationed throughout the show. No food or drink is allowed.


Don't Hate The Giver- Hate The Game.

I bought my brother a "Chocolate Edition of Clue" for Christmas. I know- weird, right.

We broke it out and played it the other day, and turns out it's just the same ol' game of Clue, but the playing pieces are NOT chocolate sculptures of Colonel Mustard, Mrs. Peacock, etc. but instead are a bunch of cheap square chocolates with the names of the weapons, rooms, and suspects on each piece.

Game play aside, I noticed on the back some nutritional information and even an allergy warning:

Depending on the severity your nut or wheat allergies, this might mark the first time that the game Clue could actually kill you. Neat!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Spotted In Penn Station

Two packages of instant chocolate pudding.

Yeah, two packages of instant chocolate pudding. Just abandoned there, totally free for the taking. Like someone either forgot them there, or somehow intentionally left them there. No, it's chocolate pudding, for crying out loud. Someone definitely forgot them.

Wait, shit. Did I say two packages? I meant THREE packages of instant chocolate pudding. Just sitting there, unclaimed, like it's perfectly natural for three packages to be sitting there with no one around to claim them. What is going on here?! Aren't we in the middle of a crippling recession? Who throws out three packages of perfectly good instant chocolate pudding?!

I'll leave it there over the break, and if it's still there on January 2nd, I'll take it home.

An Imagined Conversation

Guy 1: Well, these ice cream treats are terrible.

(Guy 1 takes another taste, looks at packaging)

Guy 1: "Nutty peanut butter and cheese flavor?!" No wonder it's so bad.

Guy 2: I have another theory.

Guy 1: Yeah?

Guy 2: Maybe it's the fact that in the top upper left hand corner, it says "ice cream style treats for dogs," you moron.

Guy 1: "Ice cream style treats?!" You mean they're not even real ice cream for dogs?

Friday, December 23, 2011

The Joel Angel Project Update

Just over a full month ago, we sent Joel a package of Criss Angel Mindfreak magic tricks for him to learn and perform on video for us. The other day we IM'd Joel to check on whether he's ready to show something or whether he's too busy scarfing down cock to perform a Criss Angel trick (which, when you think about it, are probably the same thing).

Here's proof that we mailed the package to Joel on 11/21/11:

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Spotted At The Newark Airport

Helpful grooming tip: Take care of your unibrow before growing a mustache; otherwise, you end up looking like an equals sign.



Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Somehow Another Off-Brand TP Roundup

We pored through our EADJ files and discovered that we have even more off-brand TP to review. Who knew we could pull another entry out of our ass and then drag its abrasive surface over our raw asshole?

Brand: Chalet Premium Quality 2-Ply Tissue
Label: Elegant script font over a ghosted photo of a majestic castle.
Feels Like: Wiping with hot, igneous rock.

Brand: M 1-Ply Recycled Bath Tissue
Label: Four pine trees in a giant "M"
Feels Like: "H"

Brand: Decor Cascades
Label: Blue lettering with an icon of a toilet paper roll. Brilliant.
Feels Like: Wiping with brand new roof shingles.

Brand: Blue Mist Facial Quality 1-Ply
Label: Raining clouds
Feels Like: Your mother-in-law screaming into your asshole.

Brand: Livi VPG
Label: Crazed flock of birds attacking a cursive "L"
Feels Like: Your anus is a hummingbird birdfeeder.

Brand: Regal 2-Ply Facial Quality Bathroom Tissue
Label: A green coat of arms featuring a lion rampant
Feels Like: A pine cone wipeant.

Label: Blue flower shower stickers on a wavy background.
Feels Like: Crushed up crab shells glued to an emory board.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Robo Morphers: Less Than Meets The Eye

As Christmas approaches, tons of blogs and TV shows roll out their annual gift ideas sections, suggesting solar-powered foot massagers or baseball-themed golf accessories and golf-themed baseball accessories. But what most of them ignore is that kids (especially boys) still want only one thing: Transformers.

Yes, undeterred by the failure of "Transformers 2: Rise Of The Fallen" and the underwhelming overwhelming of "Transformers 3: Dark Of The Moon," scores of kids still want transforming robots in their lives.

And who can blame them? Shit is awesome. The idea of a truck transforming into a fighting biped robot is almost irresistible to most male brains (except Andy Dick).

But as I was perusing the aisles of K-Mart the other day, I happened upon a cheaper alternative to the famous Autobots:

Sad, right? I felt so bad for this Endcap of Misfit Toys, that I bought three of them to examine what made them special.

Here are some quick clips of what the toys sound like:

Wow, it almost sounds as if the toymakers were too cheap to record three different sounds and just applied the same one to all three.

And... here they come! Robo Morphers: Stay assembled!