Friday, April 29, 2011

Meanwhile In Jersey

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Calculate The Volume Of A Cone

Previously, we learned that the volume of a cylinder is πr²h.
Now, the volume of a cone is one third of the cylinder's volume. Hence, for a cone with height h and base radius r, the volume, V of the cone will be:

where π is a number that is approximately equal to 3.14.

And speaking of pi, never let that guy from that show "Cake Boss" hire your car to transport one of his ugly cakes. You get fondant everywhere on the leather interior, and he doesn't tip for shit. Be safe, kids!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Monday, April 25, 2011

Jackasses Are Also Douches

Earlier last month, J'Net bought me these nice, embossed cards to leave on other people's cars:

Just yesterday, I got to use my first. I was trying to pull into a space in a Target parking lot, but this big black SUV had parked almost diagonally with its stupid ginormous back right wheel into my space. I pulled out one of J'Net's cards and placed it under their windshield, but not without removing a cigar stub that someone else had left there (presumably another parker with the same complaint).

After picking up what I needed in the store, I came back out to see some crewcutted dude in mirror shades going to the SUV. I hung back, pretending to be waiting for another ride while I watched him walk behind his car, look at the parking job, then look at the cars on either side. He wasn't messing with my car, so I just waited until he pulled away angrily. Then I went back to my car like the nonconfrontational coward I am.

I've learned two important lessons from this maiden voyage:

1) If you're going to leave one of those cards on a car, don't park next to that car.

2) No matter how hot the weather gets, when leaving a card, do NOT keep your window cracked.

Thanks for giving back card #1, you stogie-chomping asshole! I get to use it again on another of your insufferable kind!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Sometimes It Burns When I Lobsterfest®

Like a giant shimmering, buttery crablouse, Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster has laid its gelatinous eggs into the public consciousness and has kept dozens of us enthralled with its myriad lobster offerings. Here now are a few more fresh ways to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster:

• We like to call this one "The Dumpster:" any patrons with the stomach for it can pay two dollars to climb into one of our garbage cans in the back. There among the filth, maggots and stench, you'll be armed with only a plastic bib and tongs to fight the raccoons and rats for the few remaining pieces of discarded lobster. Is it all worth the scratches, the rabies, and the two bucks for the measly few chunks of moldy shellfish? I guess. It's just one more way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Your lifelong interest in botany drives you to discover a new genus of plant that uses a special lobster pheromone to attract only the biggest, juiciest lobsters and trap them. Fellow botanists will criticize your discovery as "just a stupid cactus with a couple of lobsters glued onto it," but it's only because they're so jealous of your findings. Now, that's one hell of a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We take a bunch of cool, fun things and throw them in with some interesting, amazing delicious stuff. This all gets worked up into a lather and, presto! Some really, memorable, cool, fantastic and specific things happen! Wow fuck, now that's another sweet way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Due to runaway demand and a limited supply of lobster, we now have to accept a special $500 "lobster deposit" for customers. Once your check clears, you are automatically entered in a reservation lottery to see if you have secured a table. The event will be oversold, so there's a really good chance that you will not get a table but still lose your deposit. Just another terrific way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Next year, you give up lobster for Lent. But because of the tempting morsels of succulent, moist lobster fritters we offer for a limited time, you break your holy vows with God and chow down anyway. You eventually get excommunicated from the Catholic Church, and even your closest Catholic friends stop praying for your wretched, damned soul. Hey, that's another great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Traffic cones are distributed to every table without explanation. Then halfway through the meal, world renowned stunt driver Wes Hollingberg drives a car through a wall in the restaurant and drops off a freshly-cooked lobster at each table! Sure, some patrons and servers will get accidentally killed in the endeavor, but that's all a part of being a stunt driver. That itself can be a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Run's House

Way back in 2008, we spotted a Run DMC inspired sign for a dim sum joint in Chinatown. Last week, we spotted a real estate ad in Jersey for a mother and son team. Regardez:

Does the mother like rap? Is the son pretending to work the wheels of steel with his hand? DJ PJ!Wiki wiki wiki.

What I love most about this is the orphaned "N" from "ELLEN" moved down to the second line. Why???

Monday, April 18, 2011

Well, This Is Cosi.

Cosi recently announced their new New York Pastrami Melt, which apparently captures the atmosphere of a fiery, post-apocalyptic Manhattan.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Awesome YouTube Comment O' The Fortnight

From a page featuring video of a tree branch burning on power lines, a comment by npr101010:

"i was waiting for a time portal to open and a taco to fall out it"

An IM Convo, Submitted By JOEL HIMSELF

Click to enlarge

It turns out it was a real woman contacting Joel. Her name was Rita Bega, the disgraced sister of Lou Bega of "Mambo Number 5" fame.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

This Here's Another Edition of Hip Hop Awfulness

Dwane and Sweazie were too tired for the photoshoot, so they just painted eyes on their eyelids.

Rue McClanahan, Bea Arthur, Estelle Getty, and Betty White all up in the VIP room, y'all!

Sometimes these captions simply take away from the comedy.

Tiger Blood. Charlie Sheen. Very timely. Too bad the digital artist only had bottles of Cinnamon Lavoris as reference.

Again, what I said about these captions.

Bet you'd never see Jessica Tandy on the cover of a hip hop mixtape.

Likening yourself to Superman is a common theme in hip hop. But this goes one step further and depicts K-Rino as a giddy Kal-El, happily finding refuge after his home planet of Houston, Texas has exploded. Yay, survival!

I included this because there is absolutely nothing wrong with this album cover.

Spotted in Irvington, NJ

As I was running one morning, I spotted what I thought was a rat in an alley in Irvington.

Luckily, it was actually just someone's weave. Whew!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

A Sure Sign Of The Recession

A Mr. T painting spotted late last year is gone, as well as its owner and its owner's job and everyone working on that floor.

At least the flowers outside are blooming again. :/

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

A Sunday Non-Drive

The wife went to South Jersey on Sunday, leaving me to run one errand– but without the car– so I hoofed it for a mile along Springfield Avenue like a goddamned hobo. Here's some of what I saw that day:

Monday, April 11, 2011

Let's Bathe With Olive Oil And Potpourri In The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Mig Ponce via text:

And submitted by Jessica via text:

Apparently Goatse got divorced?

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Coming Soon To The EADJ Crappinema: Bickford Shmeckler's Cool Ideas

Hot on the heels of "Ten Inch Hero" is another ensemble comedy featuring a bunch of supporting cast celebrities trying to support each other into a full feature film. A movie "lean-to," if you will.

But whereas "Ten Inch Hero" was earnestly going for your heartstrings, this movie seems to be aiming at both your head and your crotch.

This apparent "Real Genius" homage (or is it a "Big Bang Theory" homage?) contains a likable genius, a lickable sorority girl, and a campus full of wacky characters who smoke pot and know how to party!

"Award-winning?" They won a Mobius Award, too?