An Imagined Conversation

"Seth."

"Hey, Rachel."

"Do you mind if I ask you something?"

"Sure, what?"

"Do I look like a fucking retard?"

"That's not cool. My cousin happens to be mentally cha..."

"DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING RETARD?!"

"Uh, no, Rachel. No you don't."

"Then why the fuck would you try to pull one over on me on the Dominos Chicken Wings packaging?"

"Excuse me?"

"Look, I hired you as a freelance illustrator out of the goodness of my heart, Seth. Your portfolio was decent, you didn't cost much, and I happened to be in a good mood that day. Today, I am NOT in a good fucking mood."

"What seems to be the problem?"

"Look for yourself, asshole."

(Seth examines the Dominos Chicken Wings packaging)

"You don't see anything wrong, Seth?"

"Uh, no. I don't..."

"LOOK, Seth. The Mediterranean Veggie is switched with the Chicken Habanero! They're both mislabeled!"

"Oh."

"Yeah, 'oh,' asshole. You fucked up. This has already gone to press, and now I look like a fucking incompetent asshole because you screwed up the Chicken Habanero with the Mediterranean Veggie. Now when people order the Mediterranean Veggie after seeing the illustration on the side of this Chicken Wings box, they'll expect what in actuality is the Chicken Habanero sandwich."

"The proofreader missed something, too, by the way. 'Cheese Steak' is one word."

"MARGARET!!!!"

EADJ's Mission To Spot All Of The Avengers On The Subway, Special Collector's Issue

You might want to seal this one in a polypropylene bag with a cardboard backing board, because this is a special COMPLETE AVENGERS issue! The Agents of E.A.D.J. have double-confirmed the sighting of the last remaining unseen member of Earth's Mightiest Heroes, and not only that, but their courageous LEADER! 

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Yes, the fearless super soldier (born Steve Rogers) was spotted on a train in Penn Station earlier this week, and I gotta tell you, he doesn't look a day over 91.

You may not recognize "Cap" at first, but that unmistakable stars and stripes on his lap is the dead giveaway that it is indeed "The Star-Spangled Avenger." And look at that color scheme: RED smartphone, WHITE stripes on the bag, and BLUE jeans? Come on, that's him!

What's surprising is that he was so unassuming. I mean, after seeing him lay waste to hundreds of Chitauri invaders in "The Avengers," it's hard to believe he could just sit there calmly and play Candy Crush Saga. But that's the kind of cool-headed leader we're dealing with!

Bonus: Even though he was spotted before,  here is a new shot we acquired of Thor on the subway:

At last, we have seen all six Avengers on the New York subway system!

The only ones left to spot now are Agent Coulson and Nick Fury. But I need to remind myself that if I do encounter a black guy with an eyepatch, he might actually kill me if I try to take his photo for this blog.

Stay tuned, true believers! Excelsior!

Super Bowl®™ Ad Pre-Broadcast Roundup

EADJ was fortunate to receive a DVD with all of next Sunday's Super Bowl commercials. Here is a pre-game roundup review of our favorite commercials which the rest of you have yet to watch:

1) The men from "Duck Dynasty" shave their beards with the new Gillette ProGlide to reveal that they're really the "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" guys. A+

2) Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal sell the extra A's in their names for the delicious scrumptiousness of Duncan Hines Yellow Cake Mix. But does it make any sense? No. D

3) A transforming giant moose made of refrigerators takes a dump into Lake Placid for the new Kindle. B+

4) 15 seconds of a fully erect penis, followed by the Godaddy.com logo and Danica Patrick not showing anything. C-

5) MUTHAFUCKING CLYDESDALES AGAIN???!?!?!?!?!? F-

6) A fan-generated commercial for Doritos totally rips off a fan-generated commercial for Heinz Ketchup, resulting in two fan-generated attorneys to fan-duke it out in fan-court. (Grade pending)

7) Justin Bieber does a serious PSA about underage drinking and responsibility, saying that... JUST KIDDING! It's totally a viral trailer for "SUPERBAD 2: The New Blood," starring Jonah Hill, Michael Cera and Christopher Mintz-Plasse, and introducing Elle Fanning as McLovin's hard partying sister Cassandra! C+

8) Sarah Palin and Katie Couric bury the hatchet for a Klondike Bar. Sarah dumbly holds the package upside down. D+

9) The surviving members of the Beastie Boys, TLC, Queen and Def Leppard ask you if you're jellin' with Dr. Scholl's Massaging Insoles. F--------

10) Local station ad for an upcoming flea market. No special effects, celebrities, cast reunions or Clydesdales: C+

6 Lies Told By the Motown: The Broadway Musical Pamphlet

1) No, it's just a Broadway show.

2) The father of the young actor who plays Michael Jackson is not nearly the controlling, manipulative, abusive sociopath that the real father was is.

3) NYFD officials are happy to have confirmed that the Lunt-Fontaine Theatre has not been set on fire by this production since week two.

4) Less popular musical numbers in the show include "Du Hast" by Rammstein and "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls

5) Let's just say that for this guy, there is a mountain high enough to keep him from getting to her. It's called Mount Erectile Dysfunction.

6) The location of the red square on the map is inaccurate. That marks the spot where Times Square hobos take a dump and/or sell churros.

EADJ is proud to announce the upcoming release of the 6 Lies commemorative plates, available only from The Franklin Mint. Each of the six plates will depict a famous lie told by actress Diane Lane in the 2002 movie "Unfaithful." For only $16.99 each, a new plate will be sent to you for the next six months, along with a sterling silver plate stand. Proudly display all 6 lies in your china cabinet!

You Are So Full Of Shit, Q-Tip

Hey Q-Tip, everybody knows the main use for your product is to clean your ears, and I realize you probably have plenty of legal reasons why you shouldn't encourage inserting your product into the ear canal, but come on, man. You're not fooling anybody with your "Variety Of Uses" section on your packaging. Get real, Q-Tip.

A "Variety Of Uses:" Either insert in your left ear OR your right ear! Dealer's choice!

If you're not using your finger to apply your eyebrow ointments (????!!!???!!???!!!!????) you really should take off the flowery dress and try it. Live a little, you raging pussy.

Show me a computer geek who cleans pubes and dried skin from his keyboard with a Q-Tip, and I will show you a fictional character from a Q-Tip Cotton Swab training video.

See, you can't legally show the Q-Tip entering the little brat's nostril, although everyone knows that's what you use it for, right? And this photo was taken .358 milliseconds before the baby flinched and said, "WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?"

Perfect for guys pledging Sig Ep tasked with cleaning the house shower. Scrub that grout, worm! 

6 Lies Told By The Shenandoah Caverns Family Of Attractions Brochure

1) The CIA has a second cavern with elevator service in Langley for "interrogation purposes," but the 

                                                                .

2) "Cardross Castle" isn't so much a castle as it is a stinking heap of fossilized bat guano.

3) The Bacon Formations, although they really are made with bacon, unfortunately taste like Canadian ham when you lick the cave walls.

4) If you let your child enjoy our featured INDOOR BEEHIVE, your name is entered in the Child Protection Service database, coincidentally located in Langley, Virginia. INDOOR BEEHIVE, people.

5) The animatronic brown bears don't really "greet" guests, unless your definition of "greeting" is "mauling the elderly with their heavy, unstoppable metal claws."

6) Cinderella's Carriage is actually Snow White's; she lent it to her but never got it back after Cinderella moved to Fairfax to be closer to her mother.

EADJ is proud to announce that 6 Lies Told, in conjunction with Mattel, Inc., will be released as limited edition collector's Matchbox cars. Feel the fury of all six different lies as they race across your dining room table and into your kids' hearts! Some assembly required.

UAG

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week Of January 20, 2014

The following are hashtags that are so unpopular, even @kaseyanthony will have nothing to do with them. Feel free to drop them in your Twitter stream:

#nickelbacksgreatesthits

#washingmyscroatwithlavasoap

#afartjokeindowntonabbey

#barbarabuonoscleavage

#stillplayingthemannheimsteamrollerchristmasalbum

#fantasyfootballcirclejerkfucksports

#newsweeksubscription

#eatingpussylikekobayashi

#frumundacheese

#heidimontagphilosophy

#suckerpunchingpeterdinklage

#squidwardissexy

#enjoyingthislongcartripwithnickiminaj

#plannedparenthood4life

#houndstoothjeggings

#suckingyodaoff

#gothkidswritinggoodpoetry

#vomitingwhiletextinganddriving

#damnyankeesreuniontour

#myfartssmelllikedrakkarnoirseriouslyyoushouldsmellthem

Severe Winter Weather Hits… And We Report Its Effect On Lonnie Quinn's Sleeves

The following observations were made today to further test EADJ's Lonnie Quinn Shirt Sleeve Index :when severe weather is about to take place, the condition of handsome weatherman Lonnie Quinn's wardrobe is a reliable indicator of how much shit is about to hit the fan.

Earlier today, the National Weather Service released a Winter Storm Warning alert to take effect from now until 6am EST Wednesday. With more than 1.500 flights canceled in area airports, early school closings and already a foot of snow on the ground, it is almost certain that Lonnie Quinn's wardrobe has been effected. Let's check in:

Stay tuned to this blog for the latest on Lonnie Quinn's condition and how he changes as the inches get deeper.

New York, The Most Exciting City In The World

Spotted on the 7 Shuttle from Times Square to Penn Station, a man steadies his duvet.

See here for a previous installment of this segment.

EADJ Wishes You A Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day

Well, maybe happy isn't the right word. How about reverent? No, that sounds like "Reverend," which Martin Luther King, Jr. was. How about blessed? No, too religious, although that works because MLK was a Southern Baptist minister, right? Hmm. 

Okay, how about just "EADJ hopes you honor Martin Luther King Jr. Day." Is that too pushy now? What if people don't want to honor Martin Luther King? Well, that makes them racist, is what I'd say. But still, why would a stupid blog like this be so presumptive to be pressuring people into honoring a civil rights leader?

Happy Monday.

Still Yet Another Brief Status Of What Mall Kiosk Attendants Are Doing

The following is an accurate account of what William, attendant at the T-Shirt Paradise stand in the Terre Haute Shopping Center in Terre Haute, Indiana did while working on January 11, 2014:

• invented a delicious new dessert involving frozen yogurt and noodles

• read his DeVry rejection letter

• felt for his left ball to make sure it was there (it was)

• used a pencil eraser to make a quarter shiny

The following is an accurate account of what Donavan, sales rep at the Gold Bunion kiosk at the Gladenville Mall in Pennsylvania did while working on the afternoon of January 12, 2014:

• loosened tie in order to tighten it again

• replayed the entire DVD box set to "Band Of Brothers" in his head by memory

• wondered if his stand's location in front of White|Black was ironic, considering his mixed ethnicity

• tried to blow a snot without using his hands

The following is an accurate account of what Bruce A., attendant at the Bath Fitter stand at the Crabtree Valley Mall in Raleigh, NC did while working on January 13, 2014:

• shifted weight to his left foot

• shifted weight to his right

• did the hokey pokey

• turned himself around

• thought about what it all meant

The following is an accurate account of what Carson and Rita, attendants at the Bedazzle This kiosk in Sun Valley Shopping Center in Ventura, California did while working on January 10, 2014:

(• Nothing. The stand was shut down in 2008.)

The following is an accurate account of what Quentin, attendant at the Smartphone Repair kiosk at the Arundel Mills Shopping Center in Bridgeport, CT did while working on January 16, 2014:

• tried to figure out how to make the bullet symbol on his Blackberry

• sucked air in through the space between his lower teeth, causing an irritating half-whistle sound

• looked at the Captain D's online menu

• rapped the lyrics to Tupac's "I Ain't Mad At Cha"

Let's Discuss The Long-Term Effects Of Fracking On The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by John Reid (& family!) via snail mail, a belated but precious Christmas ornament for this year's tree:

I believe this makes this entry the first literal mail sack entry.

The Most Complicated Fucking Mailer I Have Ever Encountered

Since I work in advertising, I get all sorts of solicitation emails at the office- mailers from illustrators, photographers, and even voice talent. I received one of those the other day from Sharon Feingold, a voiceover artist. It was holiday themed, so someone sent that shit late.

Little did I know this delightful mailer would swallow up to an hour of my time with its "interactivity."

You'll notice in the lower right hand corner of the card is a logo for a dietary supplement sold at GNC. No wait, that's the logo for Aurasma, which we'll learn about later.

The instructions were simple:  Just scan the QR code with your smartphone to download a special app which reads the QR code to make a fun augmented reality animation on the front of the mailer come to life when you watch the mailer through the smartphone. Easy, right? Hey, where are you going??!!

The instructions on the back read like the launch codes for an ICBM in the 1980s. How many goddamned steps do I have to go through for one lousy piece of junk mail? I somehow saw this as a challenge, which I (regrettably) accepted.

Step 6 done. Now onto Step 7.

If you're reading this, Sharon Feingold, please do us all a favor next year and just show up at our office door to do the musical number in person. It would cost you a lot less money and take a lot less time for us to ignore. God bless.

*UPDATE: I did a quick Google search, and Sharon's animation can be viewed in ONE FUCKING CLICK. Damn you, Aurasma!!!!!

EADJ Fashion Roundup: Suspicious Character Edition

IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING. LIKE IF YOU SEE WHAT COULD BE AN OPERATIVE OF A TERRORIST ORGANIZATION LIKE COBRA COMMANDER, PLEASE REPORT IT TO THE POLICE.

I don't want to sound racist, but if you're gonna wear a yarmulke and those 180s ear warmers, why not just cover your entire head with a sombrero?

 High heeled sneakers are wildly impractical, but at least they look great, right? No.

Here a suspicious character, possibly a secret agent or government operative, works on decoding a message.

I used my FBI training to surreptitiously zoom in on what he was holding without being detected, using my "iPhone," I perpetrated like I was talkin'.

What is he holding? Launch codes? A schematic for a maxiumum security alarm system?

Oh. A Sudoku. And an easy one, if you ask me. What kind of government operative can't complete a simple Sudoku? Idiot.

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of Jan 13

#MatildaBay

#GoofyisSexy

#pissedmyGivenchydress

#HobbitCum

#ShazzamingThatAmazingHerpesCommercial

#deathtoAmericanAirlines

#MerylStreepscooze

#ihavenothingoriginaltosay

#theWireDVDboxsetfitsinmyrectum

#successfulgasticbypasssurgerycelebratorypartyatSizzler

#화장실이 어디예요?

#KindleMaydaybuttonsuicide

#haggissmoothie

#RosaParksisaheroinahalfshell

#BigBangTheoryhilarity