Danny impregnates Police Chief Boynton. One of the K-9 officers gets into the evidence locker and eats all the hashish. There's a birthday party in the break room for Wayne.
Chicago Med
Dr. Donovan confronts Alice about the prank liver. The nursing staff is delighted when Serena proposes working down to a luxurious 12 hour shift. A hilarious outbreak of meningitis clears the top floor.
Chicago Fire
Tammy and Walter pause their argument to help with a four-alarm fire. Fire Marshall Andretti eats Sammo's kim chee again. A building collapses in the warehouse district but nobody hears it.
I know we said earlier we wouldn't bother writing up all these Hallmark Christmas movies. But that was then, and this is now. Here are the latest Christmas TV movies you could watch while eating a pint.
*Editor's Note: TRUE STORY: I pulled all of these off of Hallmarkchannel.com, and before I was finished writing this entry, TWO MORE MOVIES were posted.
"Christmas at Cartwright's" starring Alicia Witt (again?!) Wallace Shawn & Gabriel Hogan
The unlikely story of a department store elf (Witt) who falls in love with the single father of a kid who's convinced she's really an elf. Plot twist: the father is actually a serial killer.
"One Christmas Eve" starring Anne Heche
A dog adopted by a loving family meticulously insinuates himself into every family discussion, lending his two cents even though nobody asked for it and going so far as telling outside family members they were talking about about what they were saying and why.
"Christmas Under Wraps" starring Candace Cameron-Bure, Brian Doyle-Murray, Robert Pine and David O’Donnell.
The employees of a failed photo studio strike financial gold when the perfect holiday backdrop is delivered mistakenly to their mailbox. It's a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!
"Debbie Macomber's Mr. Miracle" starring Rob Morrow
Spoiler: look at the guy's shadow to the right. BOOM!
"Best Christmas Party Ever" starring J. Crew female model and JC Penney male model.
Christ, does every fucking man have to wear a suit in these shitty movies?
"The Christmas Parade" starring AnnaLynne McCord and Jefferson Brown
A prostitute on the run from the mob encounters a drug dealer with a heart of gold who lets her snort crank for a handjob or two. (Rated ME for strong language)
Hey Q-Tip, everybody knows the main use for your product is to clean your ears, and I realize you probably have plenty of legal reasons why you shouldn't encourage inserting your product into the ear canal, but come on, man. You're not fooling anybody with your "Variety Of Uses" section on your packaging. Get real, Q-Tip.
A "Variety Of Uses:" Either insert in your left ear OR your right ear! Dealer's choice!
If you're not using your finger to apply your eyebrow ointments (????!!!???!!???!!!!????) you really should take off the flowery dress and try it. Live a little, you raging pussy.
Show me a computer geek who cleans pubes and dried skin from his keyboard with a Q-Tip, and I will show you a fictional character from a Q-Tip Cotton Swab training video.
See, you can't legally show the Q-Tip entering the little brat's nostril, although everyone knows that's what you use it for, right? And this photo was taken .358 milliseconds before the baby flinched and said, "WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?"
Perfect for guys pledging Sig Ep tasked with cleaning the house shower. Scrub that grout, worm!
This was brought to my attention by the nonfictional person Mig Ponce. It's an article in the April 2008 issue of Real Simple Magazine, which blows my mind that Mig actually read.
The article is about "America's Five Star Products," which scoured the best-reviewed items on the Internet. For music, they turned to the reviews on Amazon. Now take a look at that second bullet there.
"Looking For-Best of David Hasselhoff [Import]?" Now, there is NO POSSIBLE WAY that could be a legitimately high-ranked CD, you might say, and you'd be right.
In honesty, what the fine folks at Real Simple Magazine had stumbled upon is this Amazon review page, which is full of hundreds of joke reviews of David Hasselhoff's terrible album. And I am proud to say that I myself had started the very first of these glowing, enthusiastic reviews back in 2001. Seriously.
What happened was I had been laid off and was working the third shift at Kinko's, which gets awfully boring at 3am, and I simply started writing joke reviews of David Hasselhoff's unbearable album to amuse myself. I made sure to sign off every review with the phrase "The song 'Hot Shot City' is particularly good."
Fast forward to today, where there are over a thousand ridiculously loving reviews of Hasselhoff's CD, all giving it five stars. And people have carried on the tradition of ending their review with "The song 'Hot Shot City' is particularly good."
Is the album that bad? Oh man, absolutely. Here's "Hot Shot City," just so you know how bad it is:
I myself haven't left a review on that Amazon page in quite a while. Amazon has since cracked down on how many fake aliases you can create to post a review, etc etc. But you are welcome to carry on this hallowed, decade-long tradition. Go ahead and leave your own, keeping this seminal album of his on top of the charts! Mig Ponce earns a special Mollusk award at the bottom of this website. ↓
