Eat A Dick Joel has learned that Pewter Bear- that despicable, shallow, miserable wretch of an irregular, minor character- had taken over the website yesterday, offering free hugs and watered down content to suit its particularly horrible tastes.
We assure you that the following steps have been made to remedy this intrusion.
• All "Pewter Bear" search tags have been removed from Google. In fact, if you type "Pewter Bear" in you search bar now, a graphic photo of eyeball surgery becomes your desktop wallpaper.
• Pewter Bear has lost all access to EADJ editing and posting. In addition, we have seized Pewter Bear's bank accounts and even shut down his Netflix and Hulu Plus accounts. We have ordered his cable company to repossess all cable boxes from his home, which has been put into foreclosure by his bank. Edward Snowden will now be granted immunity to come live in his house with no pants on.
• All of Pewter Bear's XBox Achievements and Medals have been deleted.
• Pewter Bear's name has been legally changed to "Simpering Shitfuck, III"
• The market value of pewter has been dropped to -$568.31/oz. It actually costs you to own any pewter whatsoever!
• Pewter Bear's segment "Stuffed Animal Reviews" has been changed to "Hooker Armpit Farts."
• All previous mentions of Pewter Bear in previous entries have been removed and replaced with an ASCII file of Ryan Reynolds. This is far less annoying.
• This list is a "living document," guaranteed to grow as soon as we think up some other shit to do to him. Fuck Pewter Bear.
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