The ProofrEADJer: April Edition

Here Are Your Year-End Job Numbers

Hello, all. Kiersten from HR here. I wanted to remind everyone to fill in your timesheets BEFORE leaving for the break. Too many times now, we've left jobs open and couldn't bill the client and had to move budgets around to compensate, and let me tell you, WE ARE NOT DOING WITHOUT WEDNESDAY DONUTS EVER AGAIN.

So please use these job numbers for your 2015 timesheets and submit them either digitally or hand them to Gary (NOT Sylvia) by the end of the week.

Have a great break, guys!

-----------------

47339 - Head boppin'

05594 - Body rockin'

13781 - Doin' the do

03392 - Beer drinkin'

93738 - Breath stinkin'

99581 - Sniffin' glue

50254 - Belly flippin'

30339 - Always illing

86144 - Bustin' caps

39018 - My name is Mike D

92826 - and I write my own snaps

New Corporate ID Makeovers For 2015

With a new year comes new corporate rebranding efforts and identity updates. Here now are the most recent ID changes within the Fortune 500:

CosbyCo is now Roof-E Enterprises.

DC Comics is now Marvel 2 (or Marvel, Too!)

Ticketmaster had a simple name and logo update.

UPS also had a simple name and logo update.

And E! Channel decided to get honest.

6 Lies Told By the Motown: The Broadway Musical Pamphlet

1) No, it's just a Broadway show.

2) The father of the young actor who plays Michael Jackson is not nearly the controlling, manipulative, abusive sociopath that the real father was is.

3) NYFD officials are happy to have confirmed that the Lunt-Fontaine Theatre has not been set on fire by this production since week two.

4) Less popular musical numbers in the show include "Du Hast" by Rammstein and "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls

5) Let's just say that for this guy, there is a mountain high enough to keep him from getting to her. It's called Mount Erectile Dysfunction.

6) The location of the red square on the map is inaccurate. That marks the spot where Times Square hobos take a dump and/or sell churros.

EADJ is proud to announce the upcoming release of the 6 Lies commemorative plates, available only from The Franklin Mint. Each of the six plates will depict a famous lie told by actress Diane Lane in the 2002 movie "Unfaithful." For only $16.99 each, a new plate will be sent to you for the next six months, along with a sterling silver plate stand. Proudly display all 6 lies in your china cabinet!

There's No Way To Know For Sure

Here is a short list of possible things that this baby is thinking while sitting in the Ultimate Spider-Man Baby Pool:

"Where did I leave my phone?"

"Why is she holding an invisible taco in front of me?"

"Wait. This isn't Disney World."

"How the hell did my hair get wet in this shallow thing?"

"I would have preferred a Batman pool, actually. I'm more of a DC reader, especially since the New 52."

"Why is the government focusing more on the apprehension of Edward Snowden and not on the shocking revelation he leaked that the NSA illegally monitors Americans' phone calls?"

"What kind of fuel does the Dinosaur Train run on? Hopefully not fossil fuel. That would be just wrong."

"I wonder if my hatred for the Chinese will arise naturally or be engrained into me by my racist parents."

"I POOPED"

"Wait a minute. Goldilocks was clearly breaking and entering in that story!"

"I imagine you couldn't play Jenga for shit on the International Space Station."

"Isn't $17.99 a little unreasonable for an inflatable toy?"

"Where's that waitress? I ordered my drink 15 minutes ago."

"Man, the actor who plays Cam on 'Modern Family' may not be really gay, but he certainly is convincing."

"Why is having a black president a big deal? There's been one in office my entire life."

"You do not have my nose. I realize it's a trick now, so you can't fool me again, lady."

"My friend Hector explained to me the meaning of the word 'coochie,' so whenever you say 'coochie coo' to me, that's sexual harassment."

"Seriously, this thing holds what, one gallon of water?"

"Liam Neeson actually did a pretty great Hannibal in that 'A-Team' movie, now that I think about it."

"CRÜE!"

"It's a shame more people don't use Google Chrome as their primary web browser."

"Holy shit, look at that woman's cankles!"

"I miss the good ol' days of drinking directly from my mother's chest."

"Not to belabor a point, but my goddamn dimple can hold more water than this thing."

"I bet you're reading all of these in Bruce Willis' voice, aren't you?"

"Man, there is no shortage of nipples in this photo."

"Miremos más que somos padres de nuestro porvenir que no hijos de nuestro pasado."

"My spidey sense is tingling. Or am I sitting on my pacifier?"

"How do humans know what they know, and how does our knowledge relate to our experience?"

"What in the world would possess Gallagher's brother to impersonate him and then get into a whole legal entanglement with him over an act that he clearly never owned?"

"Couldn't she have put this stupid pool over a softer surface than friggin' concrete?"

"I wonder if I should get a career in advertising or marketing."

"That cloud looks like half of a cow."

"If someone had two lazy eyes, would they look like Cookie Monster?"

"Will I start losing my hair when I'm in my 40's? Who cares? LOL"

"Why is my mother so cheap that she buys my suits at the Build-A-Bear Workshop?"

"Do I smell ham?"

"Where is my Dad? Is he that guy? Or that guy? Or him with the bag?"

"Why make a g.d. zombie movie if you're going to make it PG-13, take out all the gore and have the zombies run faster than humans? Friggin' ridiculous."

"I should ride a badger since I'm still small enough to balance on one."

"How do you pronounce ?uestlove's name?"

"I think it's pretty lazy for the Alphabet song to be the same exact melody as 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.' Just lazy."

"Man, based on what my friends at daycare tell me, I am not looking forward to teething."

"Wait, there were THREE Beastie Boys?!"

"f"

Vince's Uncle Roberto Explains How To Tell The Difference Between Doppler Radar and Dual-Polarized Radar

 

Many meteorologists desks on local newscasts have announced that they've upgraded to a new type of radar for their weather reports. What that means is that the primary Doppler radar from the National Weather Service in Greer, SC has been upgraded to what is called Dual-Polarization, or "Dual-Pol."

What is Dual-Pol? Dual-polarization is simply just sending out two beams of energy from radar rather than one. One beam is sent out in the vertical, the other in the horizontals. The most important benefit of this is to get a better measurement of the size and shape of precipitation. Through software algorithms we can detect many more aspects of precipitation. 

Here is an animation that demonstrates the differences more clearly:

Conventional Doppler Radar:

Dual-Pol Radar:

And speaking of horizontal, it's okay to sleep in the back of any limo when I'm driving (Sometimes I do that myself in my own car!). But when we reach the airport, you can't be a big cranky-pants when I wake you up and refuse to tip me. That's just rude.