More Stupid Taglines For a Stupid, Forgotten Movie

UAG

No, We Aren't Out of Alternate Taglines For A Godawful Movie That Was Released Years Ago.

A Few More Unused, Terrible Porn Names

If you're hard up for money and you live in the San Fernando Valley area, chances are you're gonna get into porn. So besides an 8x10 of your crotch, you'll need a catchy (however dumb) pornstar name. Here are a few terrible, unclaimed ones you can use:

HIM:

Freudian Slick

Haim Batman

Lou Hanging Fruit

Francis Scrote Key

Deepcok Choke-ya

Ernest Cummingway

HER:

Bridgit Spinner

Loose-ille Balls

Kass To Mouth

Taint Bernadette

Pyra Minx

Helvetica Bold

UAG

Apple Box Was Shocked.

Apple Box was shocked.

Side of MacBook was nervous.

Baby Changing Station was scandalized.

Delivery Van Door felt nauseous.

Take A Number Box was nonplussed.

Traffic Lights and Sign wished they were somewhere else.

Train Bracket was Home Alone.

Purse was all :P

And Stairwell just made stupid faces.

Still Yet Another Brief Status Of What Mall Kiosk Attendants Are Doing

The following is an accurate account of what William, attendant at the T-Shirt Paradise stand in the Terre Haute Shopping Center in Terre Haute, Indiana did while working on January 11, 2014:

• invented a delicious new dessert involving frozen yogurt and noodles

• read his DeVry rejection letter

• felt for his left ball to make sure it was there (it was)

• used a pencil eraser to make a quarter shiny

The following is an accurate account of what Donavan, sales rep at the Gold Bunion kiosk at the Gladenville Mall in Pennsylvania did while working on the afternoon of January 12, 2014:

• loosened tie in order to tighten it again

• replayed the entire DVD box set to "Band Of Brothers" in his head by memory

• wondered if his stand's location in front of White|Black was ironic, considering his mixed ethnicity

• tried to blow a snot without using his hands

The following is an accurate account of what Bruce A., attendant at the Bath Fitter stand at the Crabtree Valley Mall in Raleigh, NC did while working on January 13, 2014:

• shifted weight to his left foot

• shifted weight to his right

• did the hokey pokey

• turned himself around

• thought about what it all meant

The following is an accurate account of what Carson and Rita, attendants at the Bedazzle This kiosk in Sun Valley Shopping Center in Ventura, California did while working on January 10, 2014:

(• Nothing. The stand was shut down in 2008.)

The following is an accurate account of what Quentin, attendant at the Smartphone Repair kiosk at the Arundel Mills Shopping Center in Bridgeport, CT did while working on January 16, 2014:

• tried to figure out how to make the bullet symbol on his Blackberry

• sucked air in through the space between his lower teeth, causing an irritating half-whistle sound

• looked at the Captain D's online menu

• rapped the lyrics to Tupac's "I Ain't Mad At Cha"

Space Heater Expressions

The Holmes Y-78 felt pretty good about the weather getting colder.

The Emerson Duo-5 wasn't sure he was ready.

The Holmes Ceramic Oscillating Heater was all, "Come on guys! Let's do this!"

His brother, the Holmes Humidifer, was reluctant, however.

And so was the Holmes Cool Mist Humidifier.

The Hoomes Calefactor didn't take sides and was just chiiiiilll about everything.

The GE Housetech 8 was just THRILLED to be working again!

The McDougal 77V-45 wanted to kill something.

"Noooo!" urged the Matrosy Ambient Room Heater.

"YOU GUYS IS ALL CRAZY!" laughed the Peterman Elite Room Heater.

The EADJ Pun Police: S1W Edition

"Ten, HUT!"

[Formation 1, turn, Assemblage 7]

"Turn!"

[Assemblage 7 converts to Formation 3A]

"At ease! No justice, no peace!"

[Formation 3A at-ease mode]

"'Pasture Bedtime?' Nonsensical context! Delta 7A fold! Fold!"

[Formation 3A becomes Delta 7A attack mode; S1Ws destroy night shirt under boot heels]

"Halt! Due East at bus stop! Submission by Barry F!"

"All Yolks Aside. That actually means the opposite of what that faceless corporation wants to say. Is there egg in this MC Muffin or not? Delta P!"

[S1Ws deliver the dreaded Delta P maneuver, which renders the bus stop ad illegible and in flames]

"Phones out!" "Phones out!"

"Sole is not soul. There are soul mates. There are no sole mates. How do you sell soul to a soulless people who sold their soul to soles? Gamma TEN!"

[S1Ws perform the rare Gamma 10 anti-commercialism maneuver. This erases the Nike Corporation from the Fortune 500 and sends a box of buffalo turds to Phil Knight's home address.]

"Make everybody see- not sea- in order to fight the powers that be! Truncheons out!"

[S1Ws mercilessly beat seal sign to a pulp with their military-style truncheons.]

"'A Lot of Cars.' Stupid. Not worth it. Bypass!"

[S1Ws ignore it.]

"Sip, Sip, Hooray!? Probably not a Naughty By Nature reference. Deploy Sigma 88 sweep anyway!"

[S1Ws stand back to back, then do the Sigma 88 sweep, making the vinyl banner dissolve in a strong but environmentally-safe acid.]

"Release the Quackin?! RELEASE THE MEGABLAST!"

[S1Ws march around the ad 5 times but it does nothing.]

"HOLD! Due northeast! Reassemble vector 8E!"

[S1Ws hurry over to a Shrek: The Musical ad.]

"This Shrek Musical has had a prior record of awful punnage. This counts as strike two. Engage in Destroyer Formation 55:28, Priority Zero!"

[S1Ws create a T-shaped formation, march around with their fists on each other's shoulders, carry Flavor Flav offstage and relax in the Green Room.]