Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Huddled Masses Yearning To Path Mark

UAG

You Are So Full Of Shit, Q-Tip

Hey Q-Tip, everybody knows the main use for your product is to clean your ears, and I realize you probably have plenty of legal reasons why you shouldn't encourage inserting your product into the ear canal, but come on, man. You're not fooling anybody with your "Variety Of Uses" section on your packaging. Get real, Q-Tip.

A "Variety Of Uses:" Either insert in your left ear OR your right ear! Dealer's choice!

If you're not using your finger to apply your eyebrow ointments (????!!!???!!???!!!!????) you really should take off the flowery dress and try it. Live a little, you raging pussy.

Show me a computer geek who cleans pubes and dried skin from his keyboard with a Q-Tip, and I will show you a fictional character from a Q-Tip Cotton Swab training video.

See, you can't legally show the Q-Tip entering the little brat's nostril, although everyone knows that's what you use it for, right? And this photo was taken .358 milliseconds before the baby flinched and said, "WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?"

Perfect for guys pledging Sig Ep tasked with cleaning the house shower. Scrub that grout, worm! 

Why You Can Trust The Bible

• The Bible won't confuse you with delicious beats and rapid-fire rhymes that you can't keep up with because you're square and white.

• The Bible won't try to leverage your friendship by passive aggressively reminding you to buy Girl Scout Cookies from their daughters.

• The Bible will tell you if those fancy frames you just bought at Lenscrafters make your head look gay.

• The Bible will kiss your wife hello but not in a creepy, lingering way.

• The Bible won't let some random friend of theirs appear at your apartment and say they were told it was okay to crash on your couch for a month.

• The Bible will return your car with the steering wheel and the seat at their original settings.

• If you're a vegan, the Bible will inform you if the cheese in the tostadas are made from soy or not.

• The Bible will stop you from wearing those sweatpants with the word "Juicy" on the ass to a job interview.

• If you tell the Bible to sit there and wait while you grab some Panda Express at the food court, they won't run off and visit Spencer's Gifts without telling you and make you waste a half hour looking for it.

• The Bible will discourage you from watching "The Happening" by M. Night Shyamalan.

• Ex-girlfriends of the Bible say it's cool if you hook up with them, and it's actually cool.

• The Bible won't call in sick and leave you to work a double shift at Radio Shack like a motherfucker.

• The Bible isn't badly photoshopped on the cover so that you can't read the title: