Here Are Your Job Numbers For Timesheets, Week of 8/9/19

>> Hello. This is Betty, your office's new AI reception bot. Hello!

>> As this is FRIDAY, AUGUST 9, it is now time to start filling in your timesheets. 

>> Enclosed is a list of the job numbers you are REQUIRED to use to submit. Did you know you can tell a lot about an elephant by looking at their tusks! Elephant tusks never stop growing, so enormous tusks can be a sign of an old elephant!

>> Fill in your TIMESHEETS. It's going to be a great day!

48881- Rationing insulin

94193- Pulling too soon on the grocery receipt printer so it breaks

08124- Blaming domestic violence on Punch 'n Judy puppet shows

31992- Putting Threepio back together

64922- Hitting a homer for the kid in the hospital

64923- Hitting a grounder for the less-deserving kid in the hospital

64924- Hitting a sinker for the uninsured kid

54656- Playing through

64925- Striking out for the kid who was faking their injuries

32208- Blaming it on the rain

57355- Taking your date to the Redbox for a movie

84403- Making up a job number and hoping it works

01999- Party like it's

The Latest Info Wars Conspiracy Drafts

Alex Whatshishead and his Info Wars staff have lost the show, lost their YouTube channel, podcast and are barred from even holding a meeting in a public park, but that hasn't stopped them from cooking up some exciting new right wing conspiracies for you to spread on your nationalist webring site. Here are their latest kooky conspiracies:

• ISIS has purchased both Sears and K-Mart and are planning to launch a new Muslim big box store with scary greeters.

• If you combine the chemical elements Holmium (HO) and Molybdenum (MO), you can cause an explosion that makes you gay (HOMO).

• The entire Obama administration was an elaborate Deep Fake video, created by ILM and a child's drawing of a skinny black man.

• Roseanne's show was canceled because she knew too much about the television Nielsen Ratings scam perpetuated by carnival workers and garden pixies.

• The ShamWow doesn't work, and the fact that it had the word "sham" in its name only goes to show you how far the Demoncrats will go to sell you Satan's evil non-absorbent micro-cloths.

• Fact: No one was ever looking for Lionel Richie to begin with!

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week Of January 20, 2014

The following are hashtags that are so unpopular, even @kaseyanthony will have nothing to do with them. Feel free to drop them in your Twitter stream:

#nickelbacksgreatesthits

#washingmyscroatwithlavasoap

#afartjokeindowntonabbey

#barbarabuonoscleavage

#stillplayingthemannheimsteamrollerchristmasalbum

#fantasyfootballcirclejerkfucksports

#newsweeksubscription

#eatingpussylikekobayashi

#frumundacheese

#heidimontagphilosophy

#suckerpunchingpeterdinklage

#squidwardissexy

#enjoyingthislongcartripwithnickiminaj

#plannedparenthood4life

#houndstoothjeggings

#suckingyodaoff

#gothkidswritinggoodpoetry

#vomitingwhiletextinganddriving

#damnyankeesreuniontour

#myfartssmelllikedrakkarnoirseriouslyyoushouldsmellthem