A Late Entry Into "Did They Christmas Bang?"

On Monday, we played a game of "Did They Christmas Bang?", where we guess if the couples featured on Hallmark Christmas movie posters actually did the dirty deed or not, purely based on their body language and expressions. Here is an entry that I forgot to include:

Yes.

Judging by her expression, she's glad it happened and can't wait to tell her friends. But by his expression, he feels like he's out of her league for some reason and wouldn't deign to sleep with someone so basic.

But he did.

So suck it up, douche. You bumped Vermont uglies (and possibly big Vermont foreheads) with her.

UAG

A Deli's Infuriating Lack Of A Line

You walk into a South Orange deli and you see this scattershot bullshit of people kind of in line and others standing near where the line is, but you have no idea who has ordered already. How can you tell? 

Today we break down what everyone in this deli was up to:

1) Couple was CLEARLY ORDERING. We know that. Good.

2) Guy was standing off to the side, NOT behind the couple, so he's probably ordered already or is a DoorDasher waiting for a takeout order.

3) Top knot lady is sort of in line but not directly behind the others. So of all these people, she's the one that you really can't tell whether she's ordered or knot.

4) Guy just facing the area from afar has probably NOT ordered yet but hasn't taken the initiative to get in a REAL FUCKING LINE.

So frustrating trying to read this amorphous crowd. How do you New Yorkers in bodegas do it?

UAG

UPDATE FROM QUORA: Sand is usually not a material that should be used in cat litter because it's more likely to get tracked outside than clumping-type materials, but it also depends on how often your cat uses the litter box.

Whoops!

DoorDasher Photography Critique #2

Holy shit. Check out this one from "Camilla":

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A MORE DRAMATIC DOORDASHER PHOTO?!

My God, it's like Hitchcock. Who took the photo? Why is the car idling in the middle of the road? What horror of horrors is Camilla about to commit on my doorstep? 

It must be stated that the biggest strength of this photo is the composition. Everything is contained in the doorframe whose shape is echoed in the open door itself. Both frame the action of Camilla ascending the stares, providing thrilling tension with the perspective and repeating lines of the stairs. A mundane delivery is transformed into a nail biting thriller of the highest order. Truly, truly excellent work!

Grade: A+++

Wanting, Needing, Waiting, For You To Justify My Pathmark

New Circles of Hell Announced!

Lucifer—in conjunction with Hell Properties LLC and Caswell Architects Inc.—is happy to announce the expansion of the 9 Circles of Hell into 20 Circles (with additional retail space).

Construction begins in June of 2018 A.D., and the exciting new 11 circles will be open in October of 2020, A.D., so be sure to die damned sometime after that month. Here now are those new expanded circles:

Circle 10: People who backed up on the freeway to the exit they just missed

Circle 11: Jews. Just kidding! Catholics

Circle 12: Any contestant from MTV's Road Rules/Real World/The Inferno/Battle of the Sexes 2/The Island/The Gauntlet/Challenge Cutthroat or any version of that fucking shit

Circle 13: People who work at salad places but don't put a fork in the bag for you

Circle 14: People in movie theaters who text on their phones when the announcement to turn off your phones comes on

Circle 15: The members of New Edition who were not in Bell Biv DeVoe

Circle 16: Those three lying dickheads on Fox & Friends

Circle 17: People who don't clean up their dog's shit in public spaces

Circle 18: Freeloaders who try every sample at Costco

Circle 19: Clients who give you an assignment and tell you to "have fun with it"

Circle 20: Any millennial who has ever performed a ukulele cover of any kind

Retail spaces: Baby Devil Gap, Jamba Jizz, Abercrombie & Fitch, Lids, Lady Foot Locker, Damelot Music, Brimstone Creamery, Flay-A-Bear Workshop, Orange Julius

"Expecto Pathmarkum!"

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

New EADJ Segment: Emily VENTS

Here is a new segment we'd like to try out on the blog called "Emily VENTS." It mainly consists of Emily Kane's texts seething about stuff she doesn't like.

Editor's Note: Emily is unemployed so therefore has a lot of time to vent on different things that annoy or vex her. This week it's Potbelly Sandwiches' Instagram feed (??!!???!!??), where she takes issue with both image and copy:

#wherethefuckisthefoodstylist

I mean, that picture is garbage. And the copy. Terrible.

Look at the soup. Seriously. Why is there soup residue on the top inside of the cup? WHY.

And those mushrooms look like anus. It's making me visibly angry.

Brown bananas.

Let's eat some mushy, overripe bananas while reflecting on a corpse. #RIP.

Half eaten agency lunch.

Agency lunch- because all you deserve is a bunch of sad sandwiches in cardboard. You're that good.

Just terrible looking.

How about we finish each others... manicure.

Wtf.

That'll be the day when I never want to see a Buddy Holly hoagie again.

Let's top some gross pasta with nasty meat.

Taste buds aren't the only thing in store...

I just can't even. Look at that bacon tongue. #beeflips

Is it really football season if you aren't looking at some "curtains" coming out of a dry sandwich?

*football not to scale

An Imagined Conversation

"Seth."

"Hey, Rachel."

"Do you mind if I ask you something?"

"Sure, what?"

"Do I look like a fucking retard?"

"That's not cool. My cousin happens to be mentally cha..."

"DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING RETARD?!"

"Uh, no, Rachel. No you don't."

"Then why the fuck would you try to pull one over on me on the Dominos Chicken Wings packaging?"

"Excuse me?"

"Look, I hired you as a freelance illustrator out of the goodness of my heart, Seth. Your portfolio was decent, you didn't cost much, and I happened to be in a good mood that day. Today, I am NOT in a good fucking mood."

"What seems to be the problem?"

"Look for yourself, asshole."

(Seth examines the Dominos Chicken Wings packaging)

"You don't see anything wrong, Seth?"

"Uh, no. I don't..."

"LOOK, Seth. The Mediterranean Veggie is switched with the Chicken Habanero! They're both mislabeled!"

"Oh."

"Yeah, 'oh,' asshole. You fucked up. This has already gone to press, and now I look like a fucking incompetent asshole because you screwed up the Chicken Habanero with the Mediterranean Veggie. Now when people order the Mediterranean Veggie after seeing the illustration on the side of this Chicken Wings box, they'll expect what in actuality is the Chicken Habanero sandwich."

"The proofreader missed something, too, by the way. 'Cheese Steak' is one word."

"MARGARET!!!!"

Holy Lord, Target

The following mis-shelved (and disheveled) items were spotted last night in a Target over a course of 30 minutes:

The ProofrEADJER, October Edition

This one's a twofer:

 And this one from Tom Weingard:

"Hey look, Nissan has a new car- the Nissan Fronter."