Newspaper Machine Was Disgusted

Newspaper Machine was disgusted.

Recycling Station adjusted his monocle and kept quiet.

Sideways Terminator leaned against a wall and waited.

Tree Branches fumed at how short the segment was this time.

EADJ Selections From the Sharper Image Catalog

One good thing about the Sharper Image catalog is that it's got some pretty high quality printing on some decent stock semigloss paper. The staples, too. There are three of them holding the whole thing together. Some quality work, really.

Here are some items from said catalog that you can buy for some reason:

(click to enlarge and read)

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of May 26

We know now that the only people who still tweet are PG&E brands, out-of-touch influencers who aren't influencing shit anymore, and the worst president in the history of the United States. So in case you're still on Twitter and you are any of these people, feel free to use any of these awful hashtags in your own failing feed:

#gayasteroid

#walnutsizedclitoris

#DaisyDukeastronautsuit

#Playboymansiondaycare

#flickingcashewsatthePope

#huffingnormalbreathingair

#watchingCSPANwithmydickout

#gigihadadpingpongflimflamflipflop

#atrailofgunpowderalongthesmallofmyback

Some More Unused, Terrible Porn Names

If you're considering entering the lucrative world of pornography to be an actor or actress, you will need the following: a camera, and a porn name. Whilst we cannot give you a camera, we can provide you a list of available (but fucking terrible) porn aliases you could use if you so chose to enter the industry. Huh huh huh huh, we just said "enter."


HER:

Urethra Franklin (thanks, Emily Kane!)

Ureter Moreno

Sarah Draftinhere

Tits Romney

Pisstina Applegape

Humpkin Spice Twattay

Anna Tomicallycorrect

Phyllis Holerighthere

Alluva Cox

Lilly Hammered

Betty Cumsfirst

HIM:

Junk Dilla

Tucker Boner

Jack Kinghoff Yurdad

Takina Dumpf

Insurance Claude

Jean-Michele Scrota

Pvt. Partz

Phil Anderer

Otto Correct

Bruce D. Ego

Reck Tal

Darius Fucker

Gray Pants Was Depressed.

Gray Pants was depressed.

Supermarket Kneepads wondered what was wrong.

Folding Step-Stool was terrified.

Gas Pump Nozzle Holder bit his upper lip.

Green Railing Bracket sucked a dick.

Princess Leia was shocked.

And this one submitted by Emily Kane: "Aunt's Guestroom Bedpost is about to get into some old timey boxing."

Severe Winter Weather Hits… And We Report Its Effect On Lonnie Quinn's Sleeves

The following observations were made today to further test EADJ's Lonnie Quinn Shirt Sleeve Index :when severe weather is about to take place, the condition of handsome weatherman Lonnie Quinn's wardrobe is a reliable indicator of how much shit is about to hit the fan.

Earlier today, the National Weather Service released a Winter Storm Warning alert to take effect from now until 6am EST Wednesday. With more than 1.500 flights canceled in area airports, early school closings and already a foot of snow on the ground, it is almost certain that Lonnie Quinn's wardrobe has been effected. Let's check in:

Stay tuned to this blog for the latest on Lonnie Quinn's condition and how he changes as the inches get deeper.

A Challenge Arises.

In response to a recent EADJ entry about a cart that sells bagels stored on a cock-level shelf, a snarky blog reader has challenged this reporter to actually order a bagel (specifically a cock-level one) from said cart. I reluctantly accept.

Tune in next week for a review and write-up of this high-carb waste of time.