Kristine Johnson, Found!

We hadn't heard from our favorite news anchor Kristine Johnson in years, so it was quite the surprise that we finally have an update on her. According to EADJ correspondents at Party City, KJ is now a sexy nun at the Church of the Rising Naughty Boner.

Check back here in another 5 years for the latest Kristine Johnson updates!

New EADJ Segment: Emily VENTS

Here is a new segment we'd like to try out on the blog called "Emily VENTS." It mainly consists of Emily Kane's texts seething about stuff she doesn't like.

Editor's Note: Emily is unemployed so therefore has a lot of time to vent on different things that annoy or vex her. This week it's Potbelly Sandwiches' Instagram feed (??!!???!!??), where she takes issue with both image and copy:

#wherethefuckisthefoodstylist

I mean, that picture is garbage. And the copy. Terrible.

Look at the soup. Seriously. Why is there soup residue on the top inside of the cup? WHY.

And those mushrooms look like anus. It's making me visibly angry.

Brown bananas.

Let's eat some mushy, overripe bananas while reflecting on a corpse. #RIP.

Half eaten agency lunch.

Agency lunch- because all you deserve is a bunch of sad sandwiches in cardboard. You're that good.

Just terrible looking.

How about we finish each others... manicure.

Wtf.

That'll be the day when I never want to see a Buddy Holly hoagie again.

Let's top some gross pasta with nasty meat.

Taste buds aren't the only thing in store...

I just can't even. Look at that bacon tongue. #beeflips

Is it really football season if you aren't looking at some "curtains" coming out of a dry sandwich?

*football not to scale

A Minor News Hiccup

The other night on CBS 2 News, Kristine Johnson was reading some fluff piece while the video was playing onscreen and started having a coughing fit. The camera cut back to the news desk, and our girl Kristine was downing some filtered vodka water.

She quickly recovered, apologized and finished the segment. With absolutely no help from Maurice Dubois (it means "of wood"), thank you very much.

And since we're on the subject, here are some photos of women that kind of look like Kristine Johnson:

Maurice and Kristine: Network Promotional Whores

J'Net brought this to my attention yesterday: CBS 2 is promoting NFL Thursday Night Football and they got the contractually obligated news anchors Kristine Johnson and Maurice Du Bois (it means "of wood") to dress up and "have fun with it." And they tried.

Looks like Kristine drew the line at wearing a ruffled cheerleader miniskirt. And it looks like Maurice said "Hell no" and simply changed his tie to a gold one.

I'm not entirely understanding the glowing tip of the football. What does that remind me of? Oh, right.

RUN, MAURICE! COVER YOUR FACE!

Here's Maurice cutting loose.

Here's Kristine thinking about what time she had to pick up her dry cleaning before they closed.

***THIS JUST IN*** The EADJ Lonnie Quinn Shirt Sleeve Index REFERENCED On CBS 2 News!

Submitted by J'Net, actual video of the 2/26 CBS News Weather Broadcast where Maurice DuBois (it means "of wood") and Lonnie Quinn actually reference the "Lonnie Quinn Sleeve-o-meter!"

Fast forward to the end of his forecast at 2:10 if you don't believe me:




(Video no longer available. Dammit.)




Transcript

Maurice: We'll keep an eye on the sleeve, the jacket, and all that.

Lonnie Quinn: That's right. Watch the Sleeve-o-monitor… the Sleeve-o-meter!




Holy shit. That can only mean that CBS 2 News has read the entries about the Lonnie Quinn-dex on EADJ and are referencing THIS VERY BLOG!!!!

No, really. Even if they didn't call it the Lonnie Quinn-dex, a quick Google search of the misnamed "Lonnie Quinn Sleeve-o-meter" showed Eat A Dick Joel as the FIRST SEARCH RESULT.

This is huge. So Lonnie, Maurice, and Kristine, if you are reading this, hi, I'm a really big fan of your newscast, and if one of you would utter the phrase "Eat A Dick Joel" on the air, I'd really appreciate it.

And please tell Alice Gainer I'm sorry I called her a homewrecker.

Severe Winter Weather Hits… And We Report Its Effect On Lonnie Quinn's Sleeves

The following observations were made today to further test EADJ's Lonnie Quinn Shirt Sleeve Index :when severe weather is about to take place, the condition of handsome weatherman Lonnie Quinn's wardrobe is a reliable indicator of how much shit is about to hit the fan.

Earlier today, the National Weather Service released a Winter Storm Warning alert to take effect from now until 6am EST Wednesday. With more than 1.500 flights canceled in area airports, early school closings and already a foot of snow on the ground, it is almost certain that Lonnie Quinn's wardrobe has been effected. Let's check in:

Stay tuned to this blog for the latest on Lonnie Quinn's condition and how he changes as the inches get deeper.

Alice Gainer Searches For The Clown Who Murdered Her Father

It is late in the city. Okay, 6:03 pm isn't that late. But it's dark in the city. And Alice Gainer continues to drive the darkened streets of all five boroughs to track down Huckleberry, the madman clown who savagely bludgeoned her father with a rubber chicken so many years ago.

The wounds have not healed with time. Alice Gainer can still smell the greasepaint; she can still hear the jolly chuckles from Huckleberry's grin as he endlessly beat her father with that rubber chicken.

Her father could have just either said stop or stepped to one side, she thought, but that wasn't like her father. He took his licks like a man.

Alice Gainer will not stop until justice is served. Until Huckleberry is behind bars and paying dearly for what he did, she will continue combing the streets and shaking down informants to find that elusive clown.

So How's Alice Gainer Doing On Channel 10/55/Whatever?

A few weeks ago we reported on the reporter Alice Gainer now holding down the desk at WLNY 10/55 instead of breaking up Maurice Dubois (it means "of wood") and Kristine Johnson, the best damned news team ever. So how is our former homewrecker doing over there?

 

Holdin' it down.

Gettin' it done.

Makin' it happen.

Readin' that prompter.

Reportin' those headlines.

Catchin' it live.

Doin' it up right.

Kickin' ass and takin' names. Also, reportin' those names.

Shakin' shit up.

Throwin' it all out there.

Takin' it as it comes.

Gleamin' the cube.

Maskin' the tape.

And AG isn't the only one moonlighting. Correspondent Tracee Carrasco (try typing that five times fast) is also burning the candle at both networks, working a sensible blouse by day...

And the Kermit the Frog reporter overcoat at night. Serious!

This, of course, frees Kristine Johnson up to pose for flower seed packet point of purchase displays.

Gainfully Employed

Spotted in the local Metro, good news for Alice Gainer- she got a full-time anchoring gig on a CBS affiliate!

No more homewrecking the perfect chemistry between Maurice DuBois (it means "of wood") and Kristine Johnson! Enjoy your new home, AG!

Kristine Johnson's Crotch Is Prime Real Estate

CBS 2 News apparently considers Kristine Johnson's netherparts suitable to project some branding as well as some handy info.

All I know is that it's 82º down there. Heyooooo!

Meanwhile, Maurice DuBois (it means "of wood") has leased advertising space on his ass to local restaurant Fernandez Steakhouse.

And in surprising unrelated news, correspondent Alice Gainer apparently has appeared in the Jeremy Renner movie "The Bourne Legacy." Hoonoo.

In Defense Of CBS 2 News' Alice Gainer

Here at EADJ, we feel it's important to take more than one stance on an issue, as we've demonstrated on our famous entries on the abortion debate and immigration reform.

So instead of lambasting Alice Gainer and accusing her of trying to break up the best damn news team of all time,  we stopped drinking the hateorade and have decided to entertain the idea that Alice Gainer is instead a reliable fill-in.

Perhaps we were hasty in judging Alice Gainer and felt threatened based on her looks, which when you think about it, was everything that Martin Luther King, Jr. was fighting.

So let's show appreciation to Alice Gainer for being that clutch team player, that trustworthy substitute teacher who can be there at the drop of a hat. THANK YOU, ALICE GAINER!

Here is a full list of Alice Gainer's journalistic awards on her website.

The Lonnie Quinn Shirt Sleeve Index: ATTENTION: EVERYTHING IS OKAY

Severe thunderstorms and even a hurricane warning graced the tristate area on Monday, and CBS 2 News had it covered like always. We kept close tabs on the Lonnie Quinn Sleeve Index, as has been well documented on this blog.

And just for the hell of it, here is some caption fun with Maurice DuBois (it means "of wood:")

Stay tight!

A Change In Lineup?

You regular reader(s) know that I enjoy my local newscasters, Maurice Dubois (it means "of wood") and Kristine Johnson on CBS 2 News. Why? Because not only they are a comely couple, their between-story banter has the proper balance of pleasant and quick.

Now, mind you, this type of banter is not easily attained. It is a delicate entity that can only be nourished by years of reading stories next to each other and learning each other's rhythms. And it's this light banter that helps ease a viewer from one horrific news story about an accidental beheading to another about a python eating an old folk's home. So imagine my surprise at turning to the national news at 6 and seeing THIS:

Has Maurice hit the big leagues? HE MADE IT TO THE SHOW?! When was I informed of this?! And who's taking Maurice's place back at the farm?

Mother of peroxide. Alice motherfuckin' Gainer is back to destroy a good thing. She just can't resist tearing Kristine from her man and absolutely destroying any good newsroom banter, can she? Alice Gainer. Goddammit.