A Shopping Cart Gripe

I have a serious peeve with people doing this with their shopping carts–  fucking dragging it behind you like a corpse on wheels instead of pushing it.

I don't know why they do it. It makes it LESS maneuverable in a store. You're constantly in danger of having a wheel hit you on the ankle. And it takes twice as much room. 

Probably people do this so they can have one hand free to text their dumb friends. IM SHOPING FOR TOLET PAPR

Lazy. Lazy. Lazy. Push your carts, dimwits. 

"Let Us Realize The Arc of the Moral Universe Is Long, But It Bends Toward Pathmark."

Here we catch a shitty shopper in the act dropping some random merchandise:

Still Yet Another Brief Status Of What Mall Kiosk Attendants Are Doing

The following is an accurate account of what William, attendant at the T-Shirt Paradise stand in the Terre Haute Shopping Center in Terre Haute, Indiana did while working on January 11, 2014:

• invented a delicious new dessert involving frozen yogurt and noodles

• read his DeVry rejection letter

• felt for his left ball to make sure it was there (it was)

• used a pencil eraser to make a quarter shiny

The following is an accurate account of what Donavan, sales rep at the Gold Bunion kiosk at the Gladenville Mall in Pennsylvania did while working on the afternoon of January 12, 2014:

• loosened tie in order to tighten it again

• replayed the entire DVD box set to "Band Of Brothers" in his head by memory

• wondered if his stand's location in front of White|Black was ironic, considering his mixed ethnicity

• tried to blow a snot without using his hands

The following is an accurate account of what Bruce A., attendant at the Bath Fitter stand at the Crabtree Valley Mall in Raleigh, NC did while working on January 13, 2014:

• shifted weight to his left foot

• shifted weight to his right

• did the hokey pokey

• turned himself around

• thought about what it all meant

The following is an accurate account of what Carson and Rita, attendants at the Bedazzle This kiosk in Sun Valley Shopping Center in Ventura, California did while working on January 10, 2014:

(• Nothing. The stand was shut down in 2008.)

The following is an accurate account of what Quentin, attendant at the Smartphone Repair kiosk at the Arundel Mills Shopping Center in Bridgeport, CT did while working on January 16, 2014:

• tried to figure out how to make the bullet symbol on his Blackberry

• sucked air in through the space between his lower teeth, causing an irritating half-whistle sound

• looked at the Captain D's online menu

• rapped the lyrics to Tupac's "I Ain't Mad At Cha"

Proof I Read Too Many Comic Books

Pictured below, some department store perfume that I briefly thought was Batman-scented.

HOLY SHITFUCKING COCKSUCKERS!!!!

So I was in Target buying feminine hygiene products, when I happened upon a familiar face on the new age CD rack.

Yes, Robin Meade, whose debut CD "Brand New Day" was reviewed right here on this very blog, has a sophomore follow-up album, IN STORES NOW.

So you're damn right I grabbed a copy and took it home. 

Check back later for a fuller review of this serious recording artist's latest.

Here she is wailing on (not whaling on) Piers Morgan:

A Brief Status Of What Mall Kiosk Attendants Are Doing

The following is an accurate account of what Pria, attendant at Phone Phun at Berkeley Heights Mall, PA did while working on November 6, 2012 from 1:34pm - 1:40pm:

• picked nose

• straightened the rack of ugly dayglo bedazzled iPhone covers

• adjusted sweater

• adjusted bra strap (left)

• smiled at old woman who wasn't even looking at her

• hummed the theme to "SWAT"

• grabbed crotch/looked around to see if anyone was watching

• alphabetized the lanyards

• lifted right leg to squeeze one out

The following is an accurate account of what Donovan, attendant at That's My Mug! at Berkeley Heights Mall, PA did while working on November 6, 2012 from 2:14pm - 2:28pm:

• played Angry Birds

• nodded to the attendee of the FLYING THINGS kiosk nearby

• did that thing where you flick your cheek to make a "waterdrop" noise

• straightened row of personalized mugs

• considered having a Cavatini from Pizza Hut for lunch

• straightened row of blank mugs that have yet to be personalized

• said the word "shit" to himself

• thought about Alyson Hannigan

• played Plants Vs. Zombies

• scratched ear

• thought about those new Hobbit movies

• shat himself

Spotted in Home Depot

I call this one "Baby Boom."

The Holidays Are Approaching, So Pewter Bear Has Some Tips On How To Shop Safely And Wisely For the Upcoming Black Friday

Let's just cut you off right there, Pewter Bear. Nobody who reads this blog gives a shit about Black Friday. And they certainly don't want to hear tips on how to survive it from you. You see, nobody who writes for this blog or reads this blog cares two shits about you, Pewter Bear. You're an amazingly unwelcome intrusion on this website, and most everyone who comes into contact with you wants to murder your fat pewter ass on the spot.

You pudgy, worthless cretin of a whiff of a pewter fart. Go away forever and die in a burning dumpster full of biomedical waste and raw sewage. Shove a snow shovel up your ass and jump into a vat of Ajax. Tie a heavy rock and glass shards around your waste and roll down the "Exorcist steps" in Georgetown, Washington D.C. Have a picnic near the intake of a DC-10 engine.

Oh the Horror.

(pictured above, an Easter-themed version of one of those anti-drunk driving films)