The Suzemily Players Rehearse, Part 2

Same scene, take 2. If I ever watched Grey's Anatomy, I could understand what the fuck these two are doing.

The Suzemily Players Rehearse

Some pivotal scene in Grey's Anatomy or something.

Not on the same page

A heated argument broke out between Joel and his chimp servant this morning.

It all began when the chimp served Joel his usual breakfast of a Western frittata with a side of dick. Joel pointed out that his side of dick wasn't as large or dicky as it usually is. The chimp servant responded by stabbing Joel in the neck with a paring knife.

Joel suffered a mild rupture of the carotid artery, resulting in the loss of 8 pints of blood. The chimp servant expressed regret to Joel as it drove him to a nearby animal hospital. It even promised to buy more dick on the way home.

The hospital serves no dick after 11am, so Joel is still without dick as we speak.

(pictured above, Nikki explains to Dean in detail what a pap smear is.)

"Have fun with it."

(pictured above, the Hyatt Place team gets rebriefed for the 6th time at 5:06 pm)

Watch This Space. Toss That Meat.

And What You Joel Is What You Dick

Luggage!

Joel went luggage shopping today at TravelPro in Santa Monica, hoping to find a light roller for his weekend dick-eating jaunts up the PCH.

He liked a blue medium upright, but the pockets were too shallow, and the wheels, although they did swivel in all directions, didn't have a brake mechanism (This second feature is important to Joel when he eats dick while waiting at a cab stand).

A silver hardside roller caught his eye, but the awkward handle and the $300 price tag weren't to his liking. Also, the compartments were too small to carry all his dick-eating paraphernalia and equipment.

Joel finally settled on a beige Walkabout Lite. It had a nice garment-hanging handle, two deep pockets for both weed and dick, and the expandable front flap sealed the deal. Joel could barely contain his erection as he skipped with the roller to his convertible Rabbit. His chimp servant seemed to enjoy the ride as well. On his erection.

(pictured above, Ranee Wu gets paid by pirating some holistic medicine booklet horseshit )

**SUZEMILY THEATRE UPDATE** Thanks to the persistent urgings of fans like Phil Flicklicker, both charter members of the Suzemily Theatre Players have agreed to return to the stage on Friday. The duo were seen rehearsing a scene from Grey's Anatomy earlier Wednesday by the Foursquare Court in the Creative Department Annex. Ticketmaster will open the box office at 7am tomorrow. Tickets start at $8 plus an $89 convenience charge.

Tianna caught in another scandal

Just when you thought Tianna had faded from the headlines, a new scandal has broken that will not only rock her fanbase but put her entire career in jeopardy.

Former Penthouse Magazine publisher Bob Guccione has leaked some sexually graphic photos of Tianna from 1988. Guccione held a press conference from his Manhattan mansion, announcing that a full spread of Tianna will be published in the July issue of Penthouse. Guccione has denied that the photos are forgeries.

Tianna's publicist Sue McCloskey issued a severe condemnation of Guccione's decision.

"Tianna is devastated," McCloskey read from a press release, "Her family and close friends are deeply hurt by the release of these unfortunate photos."

She continued: "Every day we make choices that define us, choices of how we energize our body, nourish our mind and delight our soul. Every day is an opportunity to literally rebuild ourselves from the inside out, to boldy shape our own beauty."

Asked if Tianna plans to sue, McCloskey said "It is a physiological truth."

Meanwhile, Tianna has refused to leave her 30-acre compound. She has reportedly shaved her head and has been chewing on baby carrots for days. She has also been seen cleaning her extremely fluffy paws.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Emily Kane was complaining that she deserves credit for discovering Tianna back in February. Now she's not so sure she wants it.

Brad is up to something.

What...I don't know.

Joel owes dick.

Experian, Equifax and Transunion tried to contact Joel regarding his terrible credit score. All three credit report companies usually take an impartial, hands-off approach with individuals' scores, but Joel's shockingly low score has melted their stone-cold hearts and moved them to try to help him.

It all began when Joel promised to pay some Honduran dude to eat his dick. Months went by and the Honduran dude kept on asking Joel to pay up, but Joel never returned his calls. Instead, he started eating other Honduran dudes' dicks, offering them money for the pleasure and leaving a trail of IOU's. As luck would have it, most of those Honduran dudes work for a very powerful collection agency in Tegucigalpa. The collection agency, unfortunately named El No Payo Uppo Y Ruin Yo Credito Scoro, tried many, many times to collect from Joel, but he just laughed it off or told them they had the wrong number.

Fast forward 3 years to today. Joel's credit score is somewhere below 320. He cannot borrow from the bank now to build his "dream house with a dick-eating grotto." He is refused a New Releases rental at every Blockbuster store, and most bait shops demand payment up front from him.

EADJ is sad to report that Joel now refuses to return any phone calls from Experian, Equifax, and Transunion, even though they've been leaving messages on his machine that say they're desperately worried about him.

Attention Joel: STOP EATING DICK AND ANSWER THE PHONE. We're all worried about your debts (even though none of us will lend you that fiver you keep asking for).

(pictured above, Matt Spett enlists the help of a Best Buy employee to fix his computer)

Twofer! Hey, Anybody there?

Matt Spett and Eri Kim Thread the Needle. And no one cares.

"In the Nude," Sue McCloskey, We Hardly Knew Ye

(The following is the third entry of the popular series by guest writer Joe Nudelman – don't laugh.)

Local Heroes: Sue McCloskey

Today we remember those brave souls who gave their lives for the benefit of others. Little (or ‘whittle’ as she was often called) Sue McCloskey died tragically as she tried to save, unsuccessfully, her whittle wed twicycle from being run over by the big bad garbage truck.

These words were over heard at her funeral yesterday:

“What? Hmm..? Oh, I was here to visit my dear aunt. But that’s terrible.”
- John Borden, Town Mayor

“I like tricycles”
- Karl Johnson, CEO Tricycles Inc.

“What the hell do we need garbage trucks for anyways?”
-Karen McCloskey, Sue’s Mother

“I’m not dead, I’m really okay. No, really… I mean my leg’s broke, but I’m fine”
Sue McCloskey, 1996 – 2007

Tis a sad day indeed. Sue was an active member in the local community, contributing to local establishments such as Ron’s Big Time Candy Shoppe and Auto Detail, and Family Video with earnest. Karen and Arnold, Sue’s bereaved parents, have opened up a charity in memory of their sweet sweet wittle baby waby Sue.

Joel Reviews New DVD Releases Whilst Eating Dick

This week: "Eragon" starring Ed Speleers, John Malkovich, & Jeremy Irons. 1 hr 44 mins. Rated PG.

Well, the first thing that struck me about this movie was its obvious influences by big epic fantasies like the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy and the recent film "Reign of Fire."

Ed Speleers plays Eragon, who gloph uph meph theph gah oph fuh oph meph (gulp) eph thah ath heph ahh gahh fahh oahh aahh muphh muhhh muhh phoh ahh kaagghh.

Ahh gaahhhh, fahah? Thaah naahh goohh shohhhh fohhh (gulp).


Buh bah haughh hah huh gah phlehh dragahhh ahh sehhhh...such huge balls... gahhhh gahhh hahhh teh froahhh (gag) fehhh sheeuhh (gulp) tahhh dahhh ahhh ohhh oohhh tehhhh. Sheehhh nahhhh poohhh nohh hoh fehh shehh nuhh dragohhhhzhhh.

Grahh fahh hahhgahh noohh stehhh DVD gahhh transfehhh... so meaty... hughhh ghhhh fghhhh kaaakhhhh (gag) *cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough* hashhh thehhh frahhhh fahhhh buhh tuhh gerrghhhhh jushhhh frahhh thethhhh sahhhhh shehhh nahhhh.

Buuuhhahh hahahh ahhhshh drehhh puuhhh (choke) rehhh nuhhh ferrhhhh shehhh... (deep breath) stuhhh hunnnhhhh guhhh fuuhhh Ed Speleers hehhh verhhh sheehhhhh turhrhhh turhhh turhhhh gakk.

Joel's Movie Rating: ****
Joel's Transfer Rating: ***
Joel's Extras Rating: **

J'Net Goes To Blockbuster

J'Net's tumultuous on-and-off relationship with Blockbuster was rekindled Friday evening when she decided to rent a movie for a lack of anything better to do. It was rainy outside and there were no new theatre releases that J'Net really wanted to see outside of "The Hills Have Eyes 2." So what the hey, Blockbuster, right.

The memory of her past experience with the Kinko's-like chain-ness and cocksuckery of Blockbuster had faded for some reason, and with a vague sense of optimism she entered the store. Awaiting her, a bright blue and yellow pigfuck.

Right off the bat, the unisex bathroom was locked, so choosing a movie already meant dealing with a full bladder. Hassle!

The New Releases walls were already bare at 9pm. The only offerings left were "American Pie 4: The Date-Rape Games" and a redundant Truman Capote movie starring Sandra Bullock as the Catherine Keener character.

After scouring the shelves for something half watchable, she found "A Guide To Recognizing Your Saints." Hassle over, right? Wrong. What awaited her was this monstrosity of a sign:


"Busy busy busy. Where the hell are you supposed to look?" she muttered to the Puerto Rican teenager on the phone in front of her in line.


And what did catch J'Net's eye didn't make any sense. A banner that announced "It's Easy. Try it FREE" explained in 43 steps how to check out a movie online via Blockbuster Total Access. "Let me get this straight. You go online, then get the movie, then you mail it back, then you go to the store, THEN you enjoy it? What. The. Fuck." You can only imagine how livid J'Net was. Hell, I saw it. The last time she was this outraged was when the waitress at the diner refilled her coffee cup only twice in 45 minutes.

Double-U Tee Eff.

So I realize that Chicago has always wanted to be New York City. But when it starts to have cabbies like this, you know they're starting to outright copy New York. Sad, really. New York should say something.

I actually asked him, "What are you wearing?" And his answer was "1617 South Michigan, right?"

Reaffirming Our Mission Statement

There have been rumblings in the EADJ Mail Sack about this blog's alleged recent lack of focus. One writer says, "Who gives a shit about some dude that looks like someone else who works here?" Another emailer grouses, "What is your problem? Why don't you leave those poor (planners) alone?"

Well, Brad and Ranee, EADJ admits that we've diversified our coverage. We've found other things to harp on and point out and drive into the fucking ground because it would probably make Lee Gonzales mad (which then renders it funny). But first and foremost, Eat a Dick Joel prides itself as the ONLY BLOG devoted to covering the dick-eating hijinx, shenanigans and madcap dick-consuming misadventures that Joel gets himself into. We think we've covered Joel's dick eating career pretty extensively so far- the 3 Hearst Journalism Awards on the mantel agree. So it's no big deal if we choose to add new features like "In the Nude with Joe Nudelman" or the Suzemily Players or "What Makes Louis Slotkin Flinch?" Not only does it add diversity to our extensive coverage, it brings in a new audience, like Furries or sufferers of lupus.

So we think we've been doing a pretty darn tootin' good job so far. You haters can hate, and you Joel- yes- you, Joel can eat a dick. So say we all.

(pictured above, The Glitter Band from 1978 Sweden seem to think so, too.)

***SFVOSP. The Legend Lives On. But the Soul Still Burns.***

(the following entry was submitted by Christian Golden)

"The psychic distance is shortening. He just left elevator car No.15 in the lobby. He's looking most jaunty, affecting some Petersonian togs (a plaid short-sleeved shirt and some jeans). He was accompanied by a matronly, yet cheerful, looking woman. Perhaps they're off to assignation, perhaps just a coffee."

EDITOR'S NOTE: It does seem that the SFVOSP is always accompanied by a female. Just friends and lunch buddies? Or is he some kind of squat lothario? How does the real Scott Peterson feel about his fatterganger's escapades? This and more on the next Nancy Grace.

(pictured above, a superdeformed manga version of the Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson)

***UPDATE*** Jessica Foster, who spotted him today, and Ryan Boblett, who spotted him 2 days ago, have been added to the definitive list at the bottom of this blog.

***DOUBLE UPDATE*** Emily Kane has also spotted him today. With a woman. Plus she heard his voice.

You got served. By Carstens.

I feel weird and tingly after watching this. Submitted by M'chelle Litos.

Let's Cinch Open the EADJ Mail Sack!

(pictured, a photo accompanying an email from Lauren Fontinel who writes "Is this David Estoye???")

So You Think You Can Dance

(pictured above, John Carstens teaches a couple of pussies how it's really done)

Sue McCloskey. Myth or legend?

Since Friday's post ("Sue McCloskey is a Goddamned Plagiarist") the editors at EADJ have officiously and furiously searched the web for more information regarding the supposed President of Ponte Fresco LLC.

The total lack of information about either Ponte Fresco LLC or Sue McCloskey leads us to believe that:

1) Sue McCloskey is a false name for someone in the 225 North Michigan building, or someone who doesn't exist at all.

2) Ponte Fresco LLC is actually a front for a white slavery cartel in Indonesia.

3) Al Qaeda is involved in the making of delicious, energizing salads that delight the soul and nourish the body.

4) Oral sex is majorly enhanced with a pinky in the ass and Altoids in Joel's mouth. Or is it Altoids in the ass and a pinky in Joel's mouth?

The only bullet point confirmed as yet is, obviously, number 3.

(pictured above, more of Brad Harvey's treasures)

Lending a bit of class to the whole proceedings.

Noel Threads the Needle with an ice dancer's grace and follow through.

Let's open the EADJ Mail Sack!

(pictured, the first ever EADJ merch, submitted by Phil Flicklicker)

Many Bothans died to bring us this information.

With his 49th birthday fast approaching, Brad Harvey recently started thinking about his mortality. So with the help of a phalanx of lawyers, Brad wrote his last will and testament. EADJ was fortunate to get their hands on the actual document:

I, Brad Unicef Harvey, being of sound mind and body, do hereby bequeath the following:

To Ryan, my undying partner and friend, I leave both packets of ramen noodles in my cupboard.

To Todd, I leave a bottlecap that I've pinched so it's in the shape of a football.

To my friends at Reckless Records, I leave my automatic pencil. It's all out of lead, so you have to buy a refill at Office Depot. But first you should doublecheck to make sure that the lead is the right size for the pencil. I made that mistake once, and they were kind of dicks about me returning it after I opened it. I don't see what the big deal is, because all of the lead was still in there. They never even checked. Sometimes they're really unhelpful over there. Especially that guy Keith.

To Marshall, I leave an opened container of some pencil lead that I have no use for and couldn't return at Office Depot.

To Tom Lichtenheld, I leave my Listerine breath strip container that has a penny in it.

To Phil Flickinger, I leave all rights to the use of the phrase "Boo Ya!"

To BooBoo the Skizz, I leave my orthotic insole. I only had one, man, so just be thankful.

My Executor shall be authorized to carry out all provisions of this Will and pay my just debts, obligations and funeral expenses.

(pictured above, a sample of the Brad Harvey estate)

Another Threading the Needle aborted.

Ryan almost steps up, but an obstacle way more formidable than a table is in place.

Sue McCloskey is a goddamned plagiarist.

Words take flight through performance.

****READER CHALLENGE**** Ten bucks to whoever can recite this thing by memory.

Suzie and Ranee refuse to Thread the Needle.

Because there's a meeting in there. Pussies.

A severe reprimand.

The residents of the Park LaBrea gated community are not happy.

Over the past six months, there have been over 30 complaints about Joel to the board of directors and security office:

•12 noise complaints (almost all involve Joel rollerskating with a boom box and cranking "When I Get You Alone" by Thicke)

•8 lewd behavior reports of Joel eating dick in the gatehouse

•4 complaints of Joel misspelling the word "segue"

•83 reports of Joel's chimp servant disrupting senior activities in the Mood Lounge

•10 reports of Joel stretching in the Recreation Center wearing nothing but a mesh tank top, Birkenstocks and a thong.

•3 misinformed reports that Joel is actually black.

A "letter of concern" was sent to Joel's bungalow this morning, and the board of directors hope that this will resolve the many issues that surround Park LaBrea's least favorite resident.

(pictured above, a screenshot of the most underappreciated video game ever)

Your dick still smells of Joel.

Joel is preparing for a walk-on guest appearance on the hit Fox series "House." Although he won't have any speaking parts, he will be sharing screen time with Hugh Laurie. It's that brief exposure to a great British actor that Joel hopes to parlay into eating the dicks of his favorite British comedians– Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, Eddie Izzard, Dudley Moore, Peter Cook and David Walliams.

When reminded that Dudley Moore has been dead since 2002, Joel vomited a little in his mouth and then swallowed.

(pictured above, file under "Unfortunate stock photo choices")

"In The Nude," Part 2 of an ongoing series

(The following is the second entry of a new occasional series by guest writer Joe Nudelman – don't laugh.)

"Avalanches Blow"

Avalanches: The Very Loud Killer… The Distinctly Audible Killer… okay… The Ridiculously Loud Killer. Screaming is often met with the unspeakable experience of withstanding the wrath of the mountains. As scary as such an occurrence may be, screaming at the horrific sight will only inspire more deadly, snow covered, carnage to rain upon your otherwise totally awesome Spring Break party weekend with totally hot babes skiing in two pieces for apparently no reason, and you’ve got to out-ski the opposing camp for rule of the slopes!

Avalanches have claimed 484 fatalities upon the American populous since 1985, these natural disasters are not to be confused with the recording artist ‘The Avalanches’ (note the ‘s’ denoting plural). These guys are totally decent musicians, if you like that sort of thing.

Now come on, 484 fatalities is nothing. 484!? Please. I’ve racked up at least 539 on Mortal Kombat. Granted those are compounded numbers following the entirety of the video game series, and greatly serve as evidence of an otherwise unfulfilling childhood. But nonetheless those numbers still impress. What is even more is that Mortal Kombat SUCKED! I mean seriously, why would you play a 2D fighting game where you have to press a stupid button to block? Really!?

Street Fighter was a WAAAAY better series, that kicked as much ass as Blanka beating the crap out of Chun-Li (I remember her being a lot hotter)

No stupid buttons for blocking in this game, just hold the back direction. The game series was also a whole lot better than that stupid movie, which will unfortunately stand forever as the last work of totally decent actor Raul Julia.

In short, Avalanches may SEEM big and scary, but don’t fret too much. I’m really good at video games and Avalanches don’t scare me a lick.

Catch y’all on the flip! –Joe Nudelman

Irony? You're sitting on it!

(pictured above, Andrew wonders why he didn't get a $1000 raise)

Hangin' Trough

Field reporters John Reid and Mel Kreilein spotted Joel eating an Italian,
dick-based feast last week. The menu:

Summer Antipasto
With marinated garden vegetables, cured ham and dick

Crostini
With olive, fennel, and also dick

Fresh Capricciosa Salad
With heart of palm, roma tomatoes, and “zucchini” (dick), balsamic vinegar dressing

Zuppa di Pasta e Faioli
E dick

Filet Mignon
Stuffed with provolone and gorgonzola cheeses, proscuitto and dick, served with dick-infused mashed potatoes, grilled asparagus with dick sauce, and a big, steaming bowl of fat dick

Tiramisu

(pictured above, Joel eating, then savoring, said dick. Photos by Mel Kreilein)

F.

(pictured above, Matt Webb finds out he doesn't have a Starbucks job to fall back on)

Slapped!

Joel got slapped yesterday. By a dude.

The incident occurred at one of those places where you paint your own pottery. Joel took a blind date to All Fired Up in Santa Monica but began eyeing this dude's crotch at the next table. Cora Sampson, his date, never noticed, but the dude totally picked up on Joel's lustful glances. The fact that Joel painted "I WANT TO EAT YOUR DICK, RANDOM DUDE AT THE NEXT TABLE" on his vase wasn't very subtle, either.

So after about 45 minutes of enduring Joel's ogling and mooning, the dude plum got up and slapped Joel smack on the mug. What the fuck kind of sentence was that.

(pictured above, C-K graciously teaches barista skills to a group of people they're about to lay off)

Jessica Threads the Needle

As promised, here is a video of Jessica showing how to cut through the Planners' Ghetto to get to the bathroom.

Emily Threads the Needle

Emily has a more presentational style.

No comment.

Joel's Gotta Eat Too

Still recovering from injuries made during a free running exercise (See Mar. 9 entry "Snack On a Dong, Joel) Joel decided to hire a chimp servant to aid in the housework.

The chimp, being a mere 10 months old, was too young and small to lift anything heavy like a dorm refrigerator or a kettle drum. So Joel had it simply serve him dick while he watched Judge Joe Brown reruns. The chimp proved to be quite reliable in finding suitable, edible dick. Joel even tipped it a fiver.

Unfortunately, the arrangement fell apart when the chimp found a swingset through an open window. Joel has been left alone, the squeakings of a swingset an insistent reminder of his powerlessness and solitude.

(pictured above, J'Net cannot BELIEVE what the Design on a Dime team did to that living room.)

***Planner Ghetto Update***

After consulting with expert trackers and Navy Seal recon teams, EADJ has found way to navigate around the planners' obstacles and successfully reach the bathroom. This particular maneuver is called "Threading the Needle."

COMING MONDAY: An actual video of Jessica Foster demonstrating "Threading the Needle."

Snack on a Dong, Joel

Joel recently took an interest in the athletic phenomenon "Parkour" or "free running," when he saw some young toughs running around in a parking deck. After talking to them for fifteen minutes and eating their dicks for ten, Joel donned a track suit and hung out with them for the day.

"Parkour is an art that helps you overcome any obstacle," Joel wrote in his diary, "It's using the space around you to create beauty and movement. Also, those guys' dicks are DELICIOUS! <333333"


It was with this je ne sais quois and joie de vivre that Joel threw himself (literally!) into this new art. Shortly after attempting to jump from a handicapped rail to a regular stairwell rail, he broke a shoulderblade, both wrists, four ribs, his coccyx, one kneecap and bruised his jaw.

"Buh ah least I can stih eat dick!" he said from inside his body cast.

(pictured above, Phil & Maura's noble attempt to prevent people from walking through their Planner Ghetto to the bathrooms)

"In the Nude," A New EADJ Feature by Joel Nudelman

(The following is the first entry of a new occasional series by guest writer Joe Nudelman – don't laugh.)

"Searching for control: A Whale of a Tale"

I was slouching on my couch the other evening, relaxing and watching a typically touching and laugh invoking installment of Scrubs on Comedy Central. Dr. Cox (John C. McGinley) was giving J.D. (Zach Braff) the most difficult of times for something both hilarious and medical related. Much to my dismay, the show decided it needed a bit of a break and started running commercials. As much as I enjoy watching promos for The Naked Trucker and T-Bone Show, I gasped as I realized that I was missing Scrubs, you know on the ‘My Network’ (Channel 8 on most Comcast Cable Providers). How could I possibly miss another difficultly forgettable moment of the show RottenTomatoes.com calls: “NBC has dropped the ball completely when promoting Scrubs…” while I sat there mindlessly watching ads in between bits of Scrubs? I obviously had to get as much Scrubs in me as possible… stat! I guess.

I like Scrubs, a lot, so I quickly reached to the couch cushion adjacent to me to grab Remy the remote only to discover that he had gone! I quickly threw my beer against the wall in panic, then soon regretted it. I frantically turned over couch cushions and coffee table(s) looking for my dear remote. I had to hurry, if I didn’t Scrubs would return before I had a chance to catch a moment of Scrubs. Finally, I started to prod and poke underneath the couch itself, I was desperate. I shoved the quarter and the Prilosec OTC I found into my jammies and kept digging. Then “BAM”, I said looked around and said it again “BAM BAM”, ‘why was I saying this?’ I thought.

Next thing I know I’m hurling towards what I can only assume to be an alternate dimension of some sort of foreign and scary reality. ‘YAAARRGGHH’ I thought, “why did I think that?” “I’m speaking pretty calmly, you know, considering the circumstances”. I’m falling down a seemingly endless pit of blackness, and then I start to see it, a basketball game? The Lakers were beating the Bulls 64-48 in the third quarter, and I found myself sitting in the second row behind the Chicago bench. ‘This is weird’ I thought, ‘The players don’t seem to be wearing traditional uniforms’. The players didn’t actually even look like basketball players either, mostly shorter white men, who, most certainly, can’t jump.

Looking around at the players I noticed they looked familiar. ‘Oh my god’ I thought, ‘That’s Samuel L. Jackson’ Sammy looked like a badass as to be expected, then I noticed ‘John Travolta?’, there was Kevin Costner who looked really pensive, Ray Liotta looked tired and Burt Lancaster looked really old (or dead). Jennifer Connelly was hot as always and she was riding a mechanical horsey, surrounded by pubescent boys and sweating old men, eagerly feeding quarters. Christian Bale was guarding Kevin Spacey in the backcourt, both of them seemed awkwardly out of place to me.

Sam Jackson drained a three and as he sprinted back to play some ‘D’ he turned to me and yelled: “’Sup Whaley?”. I nodded in confusion “Whaley?” I said, “Whaley, Whaley”. ‘What did I just say I thought? I could’ve sworn I meant to say ‘that’s weird’ and it came out as ‘Whaley Whaley’’. “Whaley” I said again ‘Oh my god’ I thought ‘all I can say is ‘Whaley’’! I tried to scream “WHHAALLEEEEEYYY”, everyone started looking at me, I was sweating profusely and suddenly the basketball game, which was being very poorly played by the way, there were 6 turnovers that occurred all in the time that it took me to start screaming, had come to a stop and all the players were looking inquisitively in my direction.

I quickly punched the old woman next to me and started rummaging through her purse, I grabbed her make-up mirror and gazed upon myself. ‘Oh my god’ I thought, yet I said “Whaley Whaley Whaley”, ‘I’m Frank Whaley’! I don’t know how and I don’t know why, but I was in the body of Frank Whaley, oft forgotten ‘character’ actor. I had to get out of there, I found myself crawling over the people next to me “Whaley” I kept saying.


Screaming , I ran towards the exits, locked! Everyone was looking at me, security and Benny the Bull were chasing me throughout the Staples Arena. Every time I tried to call for help or explain the situation all I could say was “Whaley”. I had to end it, I couldn’t take it anymore, and I didn’t want to think what prison would be like in such a place. I grabbed a knife from a hotdog stand and jammed it right into my eye. “WHAALLLLLEY” I shouted again. ‘Why the hell did I just do that, that hurt, a lot, that was really stupid’ I thought to myself. I fell to the floor and covered my eye socket, sobbing.

I wonder what sort of wacky antics Turk and J.D. are up to right now?

COMING UP IN THE NEXT 'IN THE NUDE': A hell of a lot less copy.

When I say Joel you say Eat Dick. Joel! Eat Dick! Joel! Eat Dick!

Joel toured the state, speaking to high school kids about the dangers of drinking and driving while eating dick. To each school assembly, he brought his now-famous dashboard-and-dudes-lap demo prop. He showed how difficult it was to drive and eat dick, especially while drunk and playing "Beautiful" by James Blunt on the car radio. Some kids fainted. A couple of "cool kids" laughed.

(pictured above, fur coat and pajama bottoms)

Scott Petersonian Math

In a related story, sources close to Todd Crisman and Joe Nudelman (don't laugh) have revealed a secret plot to fatten up Scott Peterson. More details of this story will be shared as they become available.

1st and Joel. On the Dick Yard Line.

Joel had a yard sale today.

Some of the items sold:

Leaky bean bag chair
86 Hummels
Somebody's polyp in a jar
Mötley Crüe Mirror from a state fair
A dirty 38DD bra
4 Fandango paper sack puppets
Nancy Grace 12" action figure
Green Day "Dookie" album
2-month old Bangladesh baby
various "Just Shoot Me" memorabilia
rickets

Joel counted his money at about 1 pm and found he had made $66.24. That's enough for him to buy at least 4 dicks to eat for dinner! Way to go, Joel!

(pictured above, what I thought was a rerun of a crappy old Sandra Bullock movie turns out to be a trailer for a brand new crappy Sandra Bullock movie)

Eat eat eat a dick Joel Joel Joel

For the next week, Joel will be undergoing some serious (but elective) cosmetic surgery.

First, he will get his stomach tucked. This will help enhance his abs while giving a lift to his upper quads.

Then he will have the skin on his shoulders tightened. The reason for this is that he wants a smooth, babylike surface on his shoulders for dudes to rest their hands on while he's eating their dick.

Finally, he will have his mouth widened. "Many times I have tried to devour dick and found the circumference of my piehole to be too wee," Joel explains, "Now I will be able to gobble more than four at a time. Plus, with my new bowl haircut, I'll look just like Carol Channing!"

Then he farted and giggled.

(pictured above, Tom Lichtenheld explains the new scientific method that will be used to kill all future Corona work)

$1+$1+$1+$1+$1+$1+$1+$1+$1+$1+$1= Salad

(pictured above, Ponte Fresco asks "Why get a salad made in 5 minutes when you can have eight people make one in 20 minutes and charge you 11 bucks for it?")

Behind the Greatest Footage Ever Shot.

(pictured above, Todd Crisman demonstrates how obvious he was about photographing the SFVOSP.)