Drink Carrier Was Cranky

Drink Carrier was cranky.

Target Rack ignored him.

"I am zee French door, non?"

Paper Towel Ghost tried to escape.

Meanwhile, At the Gaslight...

"Okay, I'm taking off, Don."

"What? You just got here."

"No, I didn't. I'm clocking out. I've been working since 10am."

"That's not what it says on your timecard, Nathan."

"Yes, it does. Here, this is when I... What are you doing?"

"I ripped it up because the time was logged wrong. When you log your time in wrong, you get penalized, like we discussed before. Now punch in with a new card and get to work– you're doing a double shift."

"Wha..."

"No more talking. You're already working half wages for logging your time in wrong. Now GET TO WORK, NATHAN."

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"This... make... no... SENSE..."

"Charles wanted my mini waffle on a stick, but he'd have to work harder to get that."

"I TOLD YOU TO SWEEP UP THE CRUMBS IN THE KITCHEN. NOW LOOK"

"She was the one with the yellow umbrella. Which she promptly shoved into your chest."

(translated from Italian) "I don't know if I'm supposed to be a teacher or a student here, but I'm definitely violating the dress code."

"Tee hee! Communists share everything!"

"Fuck, I remember these. This used to be a HoJo."

"Did you catch that pop culture reference meant for adults?"

"Nooooo!"

"You farted. I saw how you leaned in your seat."

"Leave me alone, you relentless bullies!"

"Sorry not sorry, bitches." *shoots gun*

UAG

UAG

The Hall Of Anthropomorphic Horrors Grows

Not long ago, we introduced to you two abominations of nature: a tooth brushing his teeth and a hand with hands.

Now check this shit out. A FOOT with FEET.

WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW??!?!!!

Dress Barned

You can always tell if a smile is genuine because the areas under eyes also move up, as demonstrated by this anonymous, unknown actress:

 

Knowing this, you can see how pretty much every model on Dress Barn store displays are not really smiling.

 

Dead, unsmiling eyes.

 

Maybe they're not smiling because they know something we don't.  

 

Like maybe they know that the store is going to close in two months.

: )

Damn, Girl

Damn, Girl On The Subway. I thought you was wearing white socks, but those are your FEET.

Damn, Girl. Those really looked like white stockings, but that was YOUR FLESH.

Damn, Girl. I know it's winter and all, but the sun peeks out every 30 minutes, you dig?

Damn, Girl. That photo isn't even Photoshopped. Girl, you WHITE.

Damn, Girl. I'm glad you're in this train car, in case the lights go out, we can navigate with your glowing feet.

Damn, Girl. Albinos are pissed that you stole their look.

Damn, Girl. You a pigment of my imagination.

Damn, Girl. The Michelin Man wants his boots back.

Damn, Girl. The girl who did your pedicure just went blind.

Damn, Girl.

When I say Joel you say Eat Dick. Joel! Eat Dick! Joel! Eat Dick!

Joel toured the state, speaking to high school kids about the dangers of drinking and driving while eating dick. To each school assembly, he brought his now-famous dashboard-and-dudes-lap demo prop. He showed how difficult it was to drive and eat dick, especially while drunk and playing "Beautiful" by James Blunt on the car radio. Some kids fainted. A couple of "cool kids" laughed.

(pictured above, fur coat and pajama bottoms)

Eat A Golden Globes Dick Joel.

(As part of EADJ Guest Writer Week, this entry has been submitted by Larry Liss– for realsy this time.)

In a thinly-veiled attempt to both swallow a few swords and peddle his ineptly-penned TV mini series "Too Many Clowns," Joel showed up at the Golden Globe Awards, mouth wide open. Here's what a few celebs had to say about a dick-eating Joel:

"That laugh will invade my dreams for years to come." –Clint Eastwood

"I get it. Jersey Girl sucked. But it was a fucking masterpiece next to a script about a sad clown that's raised by cyborgs." –Ben Affleck

"(Sigh) He uses way too much teeth." –Leonardo Di Caprio.

"With hard-work and a lot of dick-eating, Joel will make it in this town." –That guy on Grey's Anatomy, who used to be the Karate Kid. I think.

"I don't even have a dick. I don't know why he keeps asking me if he can suck it." Teri Hatcher

(Pictured above, Teri Hatcher: Seriously, I don't have a dick, Joel.)