Spotted in the Target Checkout Line

Pictured below: Stuff Old Ladies Like

Yet More Available But God-Awful Porn Names

If you're an eager young actor or actress trying to get into porn, CONGRATULATIONS! You have a brief and unrewarding career ahead of you (the only industry briefer and less rewarding is advertising). But first, you're going to need a porn name. Here are a few we had lying around, but only because they're terrible. Knock yourself out:

Him

Schaden Freude
Dunning Kruger
Phil A. Mignon
Jacques Itch
Gazebo Pergola


Her

Val Holla
Shannon Nigans
Euthanasia Puppies
Crotchella 2019
Dawn Keykong
Chaka Holic

EADJ Pun Police: K-9 Unit Version

"Hi, kids. I'm Sgt. Troy Sessman. This here is Toby. Toby is a three year veteran of the San Fernando Police Department. Did you know he is an actual police officer? He specializes in drug detection and the apprehending of suspects. Let's go to work, Toby!"

"Woof woof woof woof!"

"What's that, Toby? 'Lose your hang-ups, find your calling?' Gee, could there be more phone puns on one poster? That sounds like an awful movie. Go get 'em, boy."

*Toby leaps up, grabs the movie poster writer by the throat, and shakes*

"Woof woof, woof woof woof woof woof woof!"

"I know, Toby, Subway does tend to use a lot of puns. They can't get away with it. Let's remind them who's in charge on this street!"

*Toby bites the Subway manager by the crotch and pulls and pulls and pulls*

"Woof woof woof!"

"'Animal Practice: It's quite an operation.' How lazy. Right, Toby?"

*Toby urinates on the poster, then smells the base of a nearby tree*

"Woof woof! Woof woof! Woof?"

"You're right, Toby. Technically, nobody is really losing weight here per se, so that terrible pun doesn't even work. Go get 'em!"

*Toby grabs the girdle and rips it open until the lady's fat flabs burst out like syrup over pancakes*

"Groaaaaaan."

"Groaaaaaan."

*Toby puts both paws over eyes like they do in stupid comedies with dogs in it*

"Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!"

"One thing that Toby is trained in is enduring conditions that humans normally couldn't handle and deal with the problem. Like this drink cooler in Old Navy. Truly awful."

*Toby trips Old Navy manager and starts humping one of his eye sockets*

This one submitted by Andrew Gall:

"Woof, woof! Woof woof woof, woof!"

"'We're In Tents.' Not only their slogan, but their URL. Pretty ballsy of American Rental, Inc. Do it to it, Toby!"

*Toby grabs their balls and rips them out, and brings them to Sgt. Troy Sessman*

"Good boy, Toby!"

Joel owes dick.

Experian, Equifax and Transunion tried to contact Joel regarding his terrible credit score. All three credit report companies usually take an impartial, hands-off approach with individuals' scores, but Joel's shockingly low score has melted their stone-cold hearts and moved them to try to help him.

It all began when Joel promised to pay some Honduran dude to eat his dick. Months went by and the Honduran dude kept on asking Joel to pay up, but Joel never returned his calls. Instead, he started eating other Honduran dudes' dicks, offering them money for the pleasure and leaving a trail of IOU's. As luck would have it, most of those Honduran dudes work for a very powerful collection agency in Tegucigalpa. The collection agency, unfortunately named El No Payo Uppo Y Ruin Yo Credito Scoro, tried many, many times to collect from Joel, but he just laughed it off or told them they had the wrong number.

Fast forward 3 years to today. Joel's credit score is somewhere below 320. He cannot borrow from the bank now to build his "dream house with a dick-eating grotto." He is refused a New Releases rental at every Blockbuster store, and most bait shops demand payment up front from him.

EADJ is sad to report that Joel now refuses to return any phone calls from Experian, Equifax, and Transunion, even though they've been leaving messages on his machine that say they're desperately worried about him.

Attention Joel: STOP EATING DICK AND ANSWER THE PHONE. We're all worried about your debts (even though none of us will lend you that fiver you keep asking for).

(pictured above, Matt Spett enlists the help of a Best Buy employee to fix his computer)