Happy Valentine's Day From EADJ

Appreciate your sweetheart tonight. Enjoy a romantic dinner. Eat each other out.

Happy Valentine's Day From Eat A Dick, Joel

We know it's not much, but we wanted to get you something nice for Valentine's. And we know you said specifically not to get you anything, but we love you baby and wanted to show you how we feel.

Anal tonight? :)

Happy Valentine's Day From EADJ

Dear beloved readers,

Let this entry read as a personal Valentine's card, just for you.

We love you and cannot wait to spend more time with you.

We love you so much, it's distracting us from our studies.

Love,

Eat A Dick Joel

Happy Valentine's Day From EADJ!

Guys, here are a few unorthodox ways to celebrate V-Day with your lover:

• Take her to a lavish, expensive dinner, then "forget your wallet."

• Sneak a raw egg into bed during sex, then throw the egg against a wall when you climax. Color her impressed!

• Google "Venice, Italy." Print out a series of photos of Venice that you find. Make a collage board and give it to her. If she asks if you two are going to Venice, tell her yes but hide the damn collage board at your earliest opportunity. Stupid idea!

• Ask her to marry you. If she says yes, get married, live a long happy life with her and raise two beautiful children in the process. If she says no, continue whatever you're doing, champ.

• Present to her flowers stuck in your pee hole.

• Go to the grocery store to make your own homemade "Edible Arrangements" bouquet. Fight off the flies and gnats as you hand deliver that sticky, dripping, disgusting mess to her workplace. Get defensive if the receptionist asks if you want to see her. Notice how the receptionist actually has some pretty sexy legs...

• Eat shit and die (Milo Yiannopoulos only)

Spotted In A Duane Reade Store

On a package of 3-D Valentine's cards:

Hope, thy name is SATAN.

Fun Daily Robin Meade Fact

Robin Meade was actually interviewed by Penthouse Magazine in December 2011 about her anchoring career on Headline News and her (then) new country album in an article named "Morning Glory."

Read that shit here.

Twitter's Least Used Hash Tags, Week of January 14

Here are this week's most underused Twitter hash tags (feel free to use on your own Tweets):

#friendster

#yardsaleorgy

#sanduskyapologist

#scarymoviecriterionedition

#idontgetwhatsfunnyaboutalbertpujolsname

#newpagemakertutorial

#chrisklein

#toolshedagedguacamole

#proudofmyonetesticle

#iphotoshoppedmyasstolookthinner

#daihatsucarloan

#nostrilproblems

#whitehousesharter

#mydumbchildren
#iheartcongressionalrepublicans

#lenofunny

#zerodarkthirtymademecum

     #|\     /|           |\     /|    
      | \   / |           |\\   //|                                        
      |  | |  |           | \| |/ |                    
      \  | |  /           \ || || /                                        
       \ |_| /             \||_||/                     
       .'   '.             .'   '.                                         
       |     |             |o   o|                                         
      /       \           /=  Y  =\                                        
      `'-. .-'`           `'-.^.-'`                                        
        _| |_               _| |_                                          
      /`     `\           /`     `\                                        
     | /     \ |         |         |                                       
     |/       \|         |  (   )  |                                       
     /         \         /\  \ /  /\                                       
    |   .-~-.   |       |  '._)_.'  |                                      
    \  {     }  /       \           /                                      
     \  '-=-'  /         \ '.___.' /                                       
  .--'  ;---;  '--.   .--'  \---/  '--.                                    
 `-------' '-------` `-------' '-------`   

Someone Has Never Learned How To Wrap Up A Letter Properly

Editor's Note: I hesitated to post this entry, but Andrew Gall encouraged me to, and I figured, fuck it.

So I was Googling Penthouse Pet Valentina Vaughn (above) whilst editing yesterday (don't ask), and I came across this gem of a welcome letter on a porn site:


"Thanks?" Talk about an abrupt ending to a letter. Kind of rude of her, really. Get you all hot and bothered, then sign off so casually?


Here now are some other abrupt endings that Ms. Vaughn had used in other welcome letters:

"I need a huge cock to fill my quivering pussy. KTHXBYE!"

"Your moist, sweat-covered balls tickle my asshole. SMELL YA LATER!"

"You tag my ass chicken-wing-style, making me cum like a freight train. SEACREST OUT!"

I Guess I'm Not Expensing This Receipt.

You Procrastinating Fuckers!

(Pictured above, some people waiting until the last minute to be thoughtful to whoever they happen to be with at the time.)

Possibly The Worst Idea Ever

"Hello, honey? You know how you sent me to that Victoria's Secret 'Men's Night Out' shopping event to get you something nice and sexy to wear for Valentine's? Well, I went and spent over $60, so I got VIP access to meet two of the hottest supermodels on the planet– Adriana Lima and Doutzen Kroes– and well, long story short, this is Adriana. I told her you could sleep on the fold-a-bed."

Happy Valentines Day, Evelybody

We at Eat A Dick Joel would like to wish you, you friends, your loved ones, and even people you just casually know a happy, healthy, safe, drug-free, wonderful, productive Valentines Day.



We would also like to tell Nehow that Dan like him and urge Dan to ask her to be Valentine.

***Editor's Note: At first I thought that was a self-reminder note, but reading it twice, the verb tenses make it sound like a third-party schemer is pulling the strings in this relationship. What are your theories?

The Evolution of Richard Clayderman's Buttcrack Haircut

Over the course of his illustrious career, pianist Richard Clayderman has used a variety of source material for reinterpretation. But whether he's re-imagining the pop sensibilities of The Carpenters or the dramatic epic broadway tunes of Andrew Lloyd Webber, Clayderman has kept his parted-down-the-middle two-tone haircut consistent. For that is his trademark. Here, EADJ examines the many moods of Richard Clayderman's ass-crack do.


The Best of Abba
Establishing a look is important. And Richard sports his classic, bowl buttcrack center-part like a proud, preening peacock.


The Best of Andrew Lloyd Webber
Often lighting and smoke evoke a feeling of mystery and drama. Richard knows this and blends his buttcrack just so that you can't tell if it's his forehead or his hair. Quelle mystere!


The Best of The Carpenters
Richard Clayderman pays respect to the tragic life of Karen Carpenter by foregoing the buttcrack part completely. A deepfelt tribute from a fellow artiste.


The Best of Cinema
A triumphant return to clearly-defined ass-cleavage-resembling hair! A widescreen cinemascopic panorama of shimmering blond hair for Clayderman to lead the troops in. An epic conquistador's helmet of triumph! To arms!


The Best of Classical
The formal look is appropriate when approaching the classics. Clayderman knows this and responds with chiaroscuro, Monet-like softness on wispy sinews of asscrack. But you may also notice a bit of "party in the back," if you know what I'm saying. Am I right, ladies?


The Best of Love Songs
The art of love involves baring one's soul. What better way to portray that than to create the biggest, widest buttcrack part ever slapped on an album cover? Richard takes both hands and STRETCHES the everloving bejeezus out of that part, spreading that bad boy like Penthouse Pet Valentina Vaughn in her June 2005 pictorial.

It must also be noted that on none of these album covers are Richard Clayderman's famous hands visible. That's because he's folding t-shirts out of the crop.

The EADJ Crappinema Presents: All The Kind Strangers

15 minutes into this one, I actually thought, "Man, this might be the best EADJ Crappinema movie yet!" But seeing how the others were so bad, that might not be saying a lot. Still, the story of a man held prisoner by a bunch of psycho hillbilly children is a fantastic premise. Fantastic. In fact, I think they're working on a Broadway musical based on that now.































Then in an attempt to show Peter pondering the fate of Stacy Keach and the woman, the filmmakers saw fit to follow him wandering through the woods with some terrible song playing like a bad 70's video. I took it upon myself to spice it up with a few lyrics of my own:



The following is verbatim dialogue from this scene:

Woman: Jimmy, Jimmy are you awake?

Stacy Keach: My car, my car is at the bottom of the creek! What happened?

Woman: John upset the boat. He did it as a prank. The other children pulled you out. They were swimming like fish.

Stacy Keach: I know what they swim like...(winces) my head.

Woman: Stay down.

Stacy Keach: They ran my new car right down to the bottom of the creek. And there was a red one there, and a blue one. And a green one.

Woman: Jim, they're gonna vote.

Stacy Keach: Vote?

Woman: On us. Whether to keep us as parents or not.

Stacy Keach: They're gonna vote on us? This is like a bad dream. This is like a joke!

Woman: If they vote no...

Stacy Keach: Look. You said there were others. They must have voted on them. That explains those cars at the bottom of the creek.

Woman: They like us. I know they do, and they'll vote yes. If they do, that'll give us the time to think of a way to get out of here!

Stacy Keach: Caroline, I'm not going to wait around to go on trial by a bunch of crazy kids! Would you mind getting me a pair of pants? I'm sure my size is in that closet.

EXEUNT










So what started out as a promising movie about redneck kids forcibly adopting two adults turns into some life lesson about personal responsibility or whatever. A fairly terribly movie overall. Stacy Keach's finest.