"In the Nude," A New EADJ Feature by Joel Nudelman

(The following is the first entry of a new occasional series by guest writer Joe Nudelman – don't laugh.)

"Searching for control: A Whale of a Tale"

I was slouching on my couch the other evening, relaxing and watching a typically touching and laugh invoking installment of Scrubs on Comedy Central. Dr. Cox (John C. McGinley) was giving J.D. (Zach Braff) the most difficult of times for something both hilarious and medical related. Much to my dismay, the show decided it needed a bit of a break and started running commercials. As much as I enjoy watching promos for The Naked Trucker and T-Bone Show, I gasped as I realized that I was missing Scrubs, you know on the ‘My Network’ (Channel 8 on most Comcast Cable Providers). How could I possibly miss another difficultly forgettable moment of the show RottenTomatoes.com calls: “NBC has dropped the ball completely when promoting Scrubs…” while I sat there mindlessly watching ads in between bits of Scrubs? I obviously had to get as much Scrubs in me as possible… stat! I guess.

I like Scrubs, a lot, so I quickly reached to the couch cushion adjacent to me to grab Remy the remote only to discover that he had gone! I quickly threw my beer against the wall in panic, then soon regretted it. I frantically turned over couch cushions and coffee table(s) looking for my dear remote. I had to hurry, if I didn’t Scrubs would return before I had a chance to catch a moment of Scrubs. Finally, I started to prod and poke underneath the couch itself, I was desperate. I shoved the quarter and the Prilosec OTC I found into my jammies and kept digging. Then “BAM”, I said looked around and said it again “BAM BAM”, ‘why was I saying this?’ I thought.

Next thing I know I’m hurling towards what I can only assume to be an alternate dimension of some sort of foreign and scary reality. ‘YAAARRGGHH’ I thought, “why did I think that?” “I’m speaking pretty calmly, you know, considering the circumstances”. I’m falling down a seemingly endless pit of blackness, and then I start to see it, a basketball game? The Lakers were beating the Bulls 64-48 in the third quarter, and I found myself sitting in the second row behind the Chicago bench. ‘This is weird’ I thought, ‘The players don’t seem to be wearing traditional uniforms’. The players didn’t actually even look like basketball players either, mostly shorter white men, who, most certainly, can’t jump.

Looking around at the players I noticed they looked familiar. ‘Oh my god’ I thought, ‘That’s Samuel L. Jackson’ Sammy looked like a badass as to be expected, then I noticed ‘John Travolta?’, there was Kevin Costner who looked really pensive, Ray Liotta looked tired and Burt Lancaster looked really old (or dead). Jennifer Connelly was hot as always and she was riding a mechanical horsey, surrounded by pubescent boys and sweating old men, eagerly feeding quarters. Christian Bale was guarding Kevin Spacey in the backcourt, both of them seemed awkwardly out of place to me.

Sam Jackson drained a three and as he sprinted back to play some ‘D’ he turned to me and yelled: “’Sup Whaley?”. I nodded in confusion “Whaley?” I said, “Whaley, Whaley”. ‘What did I just say I thought? I could’ve sworn I meant to say ‘that’s weird’ and it came out as ‘Whaley Whaley’’. “Whaley” I said again ‘Oh my god’ I thought ‘all I can say is ‘Whaley’’! I tried to scream “WHHAALLEEEEEYYY”, everyone started looking at me, I was sweating profusely and suddenly the basketball game, which was being very poorly played by the way, there were 6 turnovers that occurred all in the time that it took me to start screaming, had come to a stop and all the players were looking inquisitively in my direction.

I quickly punched the old woman next to me and started rummaging through her purse, I grabbed her make-up mirror and gazed upon myself. ‘Oh my god’ I thought, yet I said “Whaley Whaley Whaley”, ‘I’m Frank Whaley’! I don’t know how and I don’t know why, but I was in the body of Frank Whaley, oft forgotten ‘character’ actor. I had to get out of there, I found myself crawling over the people next to me “Whaley” I kept saying.


Screaming , I ran towards the exits, locked! Everyone was looking at me, security and Benny the Bull were chasing me throughout the Staples Arena. Every time I tried to call for help or explain the situation all I could say was “Whaley”. I had to end it, I couldn’t take it anymore, and I didn’t want to think what prison would be like in such a place. I grabbed a knife from a hotdog stand and jammed it right into my eye. “WHAALLLLLEY” I shouted again. ‘Why the hell did I just do that, that hurt, a lot, that was really stupid’ I thought to myself. I fell to the floor and covered my eye socket, sobbing.

I wonder what sort of wacky antics Turk and J.D. are up to right now?

COMING UP IN THE NEXT 'IN THE NUDE': A hell of a lot less copy.