Congrats on joining the porn industry. We can tell you are a real go-getter and are ready to jump in with gusto (and cum). But first, you'll need a porn name for us to refer to you by. Here's a handy list of available porn names that were never claimed because they're so stupid. Have at it, sport. Pick one:
Earlier last week, we thought we spotted HGTV star Christina El Moussa modeling in a shitty catalog. After careful review, we have decided that this is NOT the former "Flip or Flop" host. Why? MOLES.
Here we found the shitty catalog online and pulled up the item based on the catalog number. A closeup of the model indicates that she has 2 or 3 prominent birthmarks on her neck.
We hired Los Angeles's top forensics specialists to examine the catalog photo and compare it a photo of El Moussa, and they said it was conclusive that El Moussa does not have any neck moles and therefore cannot be the woman in the floral top page of the catalog.
This concludes the Open Discussion and closes the nonexistent debate forever. Amen.
People tweet about a lot of different shit, but for some reason they failed to mention the following subjects. Feel free to use these unused hashtags. They were just laying around, anyway.
We paired yesterday's mystery toilets with common spices to make the game less challenging, and suddenly everyone guessed all eight toilets within seconds. Bah, next time we'll let you people sweat it out more.
Match the following toilets (with accompanying Supreme Court Justices) to their respective locations. The background, political leanings and ethnic background of the justices are not relevant to the answers.
Wherever there are urban areas, there are rats. But also, wherever there are urban areas, there are random stickers. Now, nobody's saying that rats are responsible for putting up random stickers... fuck, I'm not really sure where I'm going with this.
(restart) Hey, have you ever noticed random stickers around town and wondered what the hell they mean? Well, we at EADJ are here to help with our new segment, the EADJ Sticker Show. Using the power of the Internet, we attempt to demystify the sticky goings around town! You're welcome!
• MilkBoy sticker, spotted in an Austin, TX burger joint
Well, pre-sleuthing, I'm guessing this is some kind of record label or music store. And a quick visit to MilkBoy.tv confirms this. It's a recording studio located in Ardmore, Pennsylvania, boasting services such as multi-track digital recording, mixing, and sound design. The fact that the sticker was found in the musical mecca Austin comes as no surprise, then. They also own MilkBoy Coffee, a coffeeshop/bistro that has a stage for music for their label's artists. Neat.
• Sucka Brown sticker, spotted in suburban Los Angeles
Pre-sleuthing, I guess Sucka Brown is some wise-ass self-promoting graffiti artist. A quick Googling, however, revealed Sucka Brown to be worse: a bunch of white guys from Boston playing "funk/pop/rock." And yes, their music is as white bread funk as you can imagine.
Kudos to Sucka Brown for spreading the word of their sub-par, Ruby Tuesday-caliber funk all the way to the San Fernando Valley!
• Leo & Pipo sticker, spotted in Midtown NYC
I assumed Leo & Pipo was some sort of boutique clothier for the sophisticated urbanite who drank Dos Equis and smoked cigarillos. Turns out Leo & Pipo are two Parisian artists who use collages of black and white photography to integrate people from another time into the surroundings of the present.
So essentially their stickers are a big part of their art, and instead of some thoughtless promo slapped on a mailbox, it's *art* slapped on a mailbox. We at EADJ approve of this distinction.
Check EADJ for more sticker investigatin' in the future. Or submit your sticker mysteries to incineratedfrank@yahoo.com
A suspicious package could be left in the middle of the airport, in plain view. So please keep your eyes peeled.
The package could take many forms. Like a brown paper package. Or a black roller. Or a gigantic industrial grey garbage can with a green garden hose running into it from the ceiling for no goddamned reason. You know, everyday things like that.
If you've been to a club recently or opened your eyes anywhere in L.A., you've seen the Ed Hardy brand. Yeah, it's that brand of shirts, hats, eyewear, etc. that's all based on vintage tattoos, but way more bedazzled and obnoxious. And to generalize a little bit, pretty much everyone I've encountered wearing this stuff is either the hugest tooltard or the worst kind of attention whore. I'd like to thank Don Ed Hardy for helping me identify the insufferable cocknose constituency in our population without having to talk to them.
We at EADJ have also theorized that the Ed Hardy brand not only serves as a way to identify total tools but possesses transformational power as well. We did a quick test:
But as transformative as the Ed Hardy brand can be to even the most beloved of figures, its powers are limited when pointed in the other direction:
Yesterday, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich skipped his impeachment trial in the Illinois Senate, opting instead to go to New York to appear on "Good Morning America," "Larry King Live," and "The View" to announce his innocence against allegations of corruption. Talk shows were very eager to have the embattled governor appear on their shows. Barbara Walters was in L.A. but didn't want to miss the opportunity to interview him herself, so the producers created a set up so that she could conduct a "face to face" interview via satellite. It looked like this:
So let me get this straight. Rod Blagojevich disses the members of the Illinois Senate reviewing FBI wiretaps from an ongoing criminal investigation of him so that he could be interviewed by a plasma TV behind a plant? HAHAHHAHAHH AHAHAHHAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAH HAHAHHAHAHH HAHAHAHHAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAH HAHAHHAHAHH HHHAHAHAH HA HAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHA HAHAHHAH HAHAHHAHAHH HHAHAHAHHAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAH HAHAHHAHAHH HAHAHAHHAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAH HAHAHHAHAHH HAHAHAHHA HAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAH HAHAHHAHAHH AHAHAHHAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHHHHHAHAHAHHAH HAHAHHAHAHH AHAHAHHAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHHHHA HAHHAH HAHAHHAHAHH AHAHAHHAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAH HAHAHHHHH
Field reporters John Reid and Mel Kreilein spotted Joel eating an Italian, dick-based feast last week. The menu:
Summer Antipasto With marinated garden vegetables, cured ham and dick
Crostini With olive, fennel, and also dick
Fresh Capricciosa Salad With heart of palm, roma tomatoes, and “zucchini” (dick), balsamic vinegar dressing
Zuppa di Pasta e Faioli E dick
Filet Mignon Stuffed with provolone and gorgonzola cheeses, proscuitto and dick, served with dick-infused mashed potatoes, grilled asparagus with dick sauce, and a big, steaming bowl of fat dick
Tiramisu
(pictured above, Joel eating, then savoring, said dick. Photos by Mel Kreilein)
