The ProofrEADJer: End of August Edition

The EADJ Facebook Defriender

In this installment, we give a hearty goodbye to C_______ from R_________ for using her Wall as a public form of self-affirmation, which is not a crime unto itself, but judging by the posts, either a ton of her friends have consistently betrayed her, or she just posts shit like this to make sure they never do. Translation: extreme manufactured drama by a very entitled person who doesn't have time for this shit but uses ALL HER TIME to post about it.

Here is a sampling of posts C______ made in the LAST WEEK:

And all this came to a head yesterday when C_____ posted this head-scratcher:

So many questions. First one being what does "turn up" mean. Like any other old man, I had to go to Urban Dictionary for clarity:

The other (maybe bigger) question is, why is poor Kermit the Frog part of this? Why has thatsnoneofmybusinesstho co-opted him, of all characters? Maddening. (Careful clicking on that link. You might get an overdose of sass.)

Amen, sister. Bye!

A True Comedy Classic

This from November 2006 in Chicago, at Unnamed Organization: Travis, Vince, and Nikki (out of frame) demonstrate how flammable non-dairy creamer is.

Smecial Dreams Interpretations Entry!

"I dreamed last night that I was working at C-K again, and Marshall called me personally to ask me to come back but said I had to respond quickly if I wanted the job."

-Andrew Gall


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What could Andrew's dream mean? We asked some experts:

"Andrew’s latent homosexual attraction to Marshall is once again rearing its ugly head in his dreams." -M. Litos

"Mommy issues." -L. Liss

"I think Andrew is suppressing a desire to return to C-K, as well as a desire to vigorously make out with this Marshall lady. But I sense that his present circumstances are better for him in the long run, as suggested by the ultimatum laid upon him and the fact that Ms. Marshall is apparently a man." -T. Weingard

"Andrew clearly had fried chicken flavored Rosatti's pizza prior to bedtime." -N. Baker

"He struggles with many important decisions in his life and is not sure of his current path." - B. Sherman

"Hmmmm...if he's already back at C-K working, then Marshall's request to "come back" must refer to something other than work... What kind of "job" was Marshall offering? I'm not suggesting anything lurid, but actually I am Andrew wants his penis inside Marshall's mouth." -J. Thomas


BONUS: Raven Symone's iTunes Playlist!

Choo choo choo choo, Nikki Train, comin' through!

(pictured above, Drunk? Check. Cutter? Check. Abandoned rehab? Check)

Unfortunate Logo of the Month

There's not exactly a plethora of vaj in a blog named "Eat a Dick, Joel," so it's always refreshing to find a nice slit or tomahawk wound when it wanders through our doors. But what's disturbing about this unfortunate logo is that the cooter looks propped open with chopsticks.

But maybe that's just the dirty minds of the EADJ editing staff. What did other people in the office have to say?

A "G" is born. -Larry

Cool but meaningless and dated. 2001 -Matt Webb

Someone really needs a trim down there. -Michelle Litos, who probably has used her ginormous box of Brazilian wax by now (see all of the May 3 entries)

Is this the e-vite for Boblett and Brad's going away party???? -Lauren F

Those 3 horizontal rectangular shapes might look nice Feeling like those arc shapes, top one going up, bottom One going down, and the center one emulating the center Shape (with the "G") but rotate 90 degrees and 1/4 as fat. Move the 2 dots around the "THE" and replace the arrows. - The always professional Andrea Park

Educational material for men of all ages. Prodding sticks, not included. - Nikki Baker, whose train keeps rollin'

A yonic logo to match a high class bar, unlike Cans. -J'Net

And what do you think of the logo, Pewter Bear?


Fuck off, Pewter Bear. You don't know shit.

Let's keep this Nikki Train going!

Joel's latest misadventure was a violent altercation involving a salad bar, two squirrels and screenwriter Aaron Sorkin.

I won't bore you with the details, but suffice to say that no one will ever want garbanzo beans at that salad bar again, the surviving squirrel fit nicely into the dollhouse, and Aaron Sorkin is very, very angry about his ceiling now.

(pictured above, a legendary photo from May: Nikki hangs with two randoms in Fado, one of whom keeps a cartoon graveyard in his mouth)

Drunk or Happy.

(pictured above, Toddman5000 and Nikki Baker, as shot by Annie Leibowitz at Gage, June 20, 2007)

Curlz Gone Wild!

(pictured above, Nikki's snarky joke turns functional.)

NOTE- one of the digits has been blurred to protect from WiFi jackers. That number is 7.

Not on the same page

A heated argument broke out between Joel and his chimp servant this morning.

It all began when the chimp served Joel his usual breakfast of a Western frittata with a side of dick. Joel pointed out that his side of dick wasn't as large or dicky as it usually is. The chimp servant responded by stabbing Joel in the neck with a paring knife.

Joel suffered a mild rupture of the carotid artery, resulting in the loss of 8 pints of blood. The chimp servant expressed regret to Joel as it drove him to a nearby animal hospital. It even promised to buy more dick on the way home.

The hospital serves no dick after 11am, so Joel is still without dick as we speak.

(pictured above, Nikki explains to Dean in detail what a pap smear is.)

Do Not Feed the Joel

Joel set his career in a new direction today. He announced through his publicist that although he will continue to eat dick professionally, he will also pursue his childhood dream of frenching ass.

"Frenching ass has been a neglected and underappreciated artform," read publicist Bernie Cofax, "I have made it my new life mission to return this noble lost art to the public eye."

Joel plans to publicly french ass at the Museum of Contemporary Art in Chicago, then maybe eat a dick or two at Mr. Beef afterwards. Joel assures his longtime fans of dick-eating that this new direction will add to his repertoire and not distract from the eating o' the dick.

(pictured above, Nikki bills 4 hours to Perez Hilton)